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Audax Alpine Classic 2002 |
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| Sunday 27 January 2002 THE DAY ALL WAS REVEALED Come my baby, come, come, my baby Youre my sugar, youre my honey Youre my two wheeled butterfly My valleys green my mountains high Towards my victory you aspire Looks too easy Looks so cool My lavender pastures surely lure you Those splashing streams a siren song To keep you pushing on Spuring you on Luring you on Beyond the pools Behind the glades Lurks my hidden ace of spades Winding roads that slowly ascend in ever increasing gradient Deep green forests hide every hill that draw you into the zone to kill And all the while the sun ascends to its thermal spire To capture you in a ring of hilly fire and causes those lofty dreams to expire So Im calling to you Im calling to you Come my baby Come come my baby Come and take my baptism of fire Ah yes...Greetings All, Another Bandit Expedition has been mounted and completed. One of the truly amazing jaunts into the jaws of nature. In a phrase : A Hard Baked Classic. This chronicle also provides insight to one of the greatest mysteries in life. If not the meaning of life. A philosophical extravaganza no less. In this tome I reveal to you THE ANSWER to the question that every great cyclist asks themself. Sometimes sooner rather than later. That question that can be simply summarised as :- "Why am I doing this?" A mighty question indeed is it not? Read below for the spellbinding answer. Where All Will Be Revealed.... THE STATS For the technophobe and the curious. Here we have the reality, the pith behind the myth :- Total Distance : 200km (whoo hooo) Average Speed : 22.8kmph (how slow is that?) Height climbed : 3600 metres (approx equal to the Corryong Thredbo Ascent) Time Taken : 9hrs 40mins all up (for lunch and pit stops) or 8hrs 50 mins on the saddle PREAMBLE Before entering into the voyage. I must reveal some of the vim and vigour that was applied by some of our hearty souls. Some may call it training. Others give the name of conditioning. I prefer the Zen of Amateur Cycling. Perfected by people now in the prime of their lives. Tempered by career, marriage and offspring. To be sure not many gaps exist for the ardent mid life athlete. And many is the method employed by these Bandits to attain that pinnacle of fitness. The Cutting Edge of Condition. Below are a few examples. El Presidente Our first candidate. Takes first slot as the master of the unorthodox. El Presidente is, of course, well known for his eccentricity. Particularly in the area of involuntary dismounts. However EP took a new tangent for his Classic preparations. The new tack took the shape of Yachting Championships. EP had decided to go back to his sailing roots and search for answers to provide him with "The Edge". Two Weeks of Sailing were pre enforced with a fortnight of Xmas and New Year boozing and partying. To paradoxically round off, the cutting edge was honed with two brand new tyres. To us ignorant onlookers The Pres was charting unknown waters. The Sargasso Sea of Cycling. However, we reassured ourselves, on the day of the race, all would be revealed. Nuggety Our second man to step up is none other than the master of training. Excluding possibly PB and El Scriborino, no other Bandit has the Zen Mastery of Cycle Training. The Nugget is a regular rider. He flashes those sleek muscly thighs and bulging calves at Uni Spin Sessions. Prescribes regular multiple runs up Olivers Hill and Humphries road to attain peak hill climbing condition. However in possible sympathy to The Pres. Phil has been taking it a bit easy. Perhaps I am being harsh. And will apologise. Publicly and in advance. But The Nug has been attending many Xmas and NY functions. The Festive season has somewhat distracted him. I felt that the master trainer had only got into the Coppi later rather than sooner. Anyway, coppi later may be good fun but it is definitely not good training zen. So something of a cloud waz hanging over the shoulders of our Zen Master The Hamster The Hamster has become a nocturnal creature of late. Not seen in the morning rides. Preferring to appear in the evening I'm told. A few cameo appearances on the weekend. John who? What colour is his bike? Does he still ride that old Paconi? Not much movement at that Stazzione. So when the Alpine Head count was taken and the name of Hamster appeared, we were surprised. Its not October? Alpine Challenge isn't spelt like Round the Bay? Perhaps there was a toner problem with his printout. Its really 200 not 20.0 kilometres. However as the day drew near the Hamster remained adamant. Yes he would race. Thank you very much. A rather deep brown tan enhanced his appearance and we felt that all that newly acquired vitamin D would assist. On the day etc. Bernie Our man above is something of a wild card. He rides a Czechoslovakian bike with a name I cant pronounce. Sprints when we want to cruise. Recluses at the sprints. Powerfully quiet. A paradox. Wants to ride the classic but is not going to use his LKYPO street bike. (C'mon - you try pronouncing it) Decides to find some old chrome moly mountain bike two sizes too small for him and use that instead. "Mountain bike ?" we uttered in horror. We ride street bikes. Do that sort of thing and there's no knowing where it would end. Next thing we will be bowling down dirt paths, another bike, new lycra suits. Our secret credit cards will explode. Anyway we thought we'd wait and see what would be revealed. On the day. Laurie A great cry went up when we learned Mr Codds would join our crew. One of the bandit legends. Multiple wearer of the green and spotted vests. Phil Andersen personally requested to sign the codds bike shirt so that he could become famous. Mr Codds is an even more legendary runner and has done all the big races. Too many to mention. Suffice to say he is a man suspended on powerful legs. However I was somewhat surprised to hear that Loz intended to retain the 23 tooth cluster resident on his tred. Dancin Phil made an offer of a 27, but no way. We were impressed to hear that he doesn't even use the small ring going up Humphries. A big statement... but 3600 metres of climbing up 4 hills over 200 k sounded pretty daunting to the rest of us. However, on the day.... yep you got it. Mavis I struggled to get some pre race info on Mavis. The young tear away was often torn away by the call of federal duty. When he was in court he was too far ahead of mortals like myself to get a word in. And when i got close to him, i waz too out of breath to converse. 'Day.. Mavis... Lookin... Goodmate... Seeya. He was either bloody fit or fantastically fit. We would surely find out on the day of revealment The Punisher Is there is a better course to suit the punisher of mountains? If so, I know it not. Forsooth this event had PB written all over it. To people with average VO2 maxes the punisher stands like a colossus. Inscrutable. Unbeatable. If he appears on a Sunday all the other participants mentally write off the spotted vest. End of Story. However is The Punisher a God? One needs to turn the table around and look from the inside... It cant be easy to be considered 'unbeatable'. Your mates calling you names like Old Fart, The Punisher or Poppa Smurf. ...Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown... Every time you appear on a Sunday, you know you HAVE to win. It is expected. People would be disappointed in an event of the otherwise. Might start saying things like "he's lost it", "finally over the hill" And so on and so forth. A bitter pill to swallow. All we knew is that PB had retired to his summer abode. Far from the madding crowd. And was in some sort of repose. He would ONLY appear on the day of the race. And that all would be revealed. Cossy As many will remember, Cossie has had a fantastic lead up to the classic. Initially besieged by viruses, the Cos then graduated to a heavy work load and became steadily invisible at training rides. Trev then took his doctorate by falling off his bike at reserve road. One of the few points that the Bandits are stationary. However it was estimated that Cossie was doing about 40 clicks with his back on the road when he broke his collar bone. Quite badly too. Could the Professor of Pain ascend the slopes of Falls Creek and Mt Buff? All would be revealed. Wazza It must be said that January is not a good time to be fit. You have all those December parties. There is Christmas. Then the New Year Piss up. There are the rellies to entertain. People want to try out all their new sweet recipies. Late nights. Too tired to ride in the morning. The zen has to work extra hard to get rubber on the road. However the scribe is trying to be a triathlete and had been putting in numerous aqueous laps and getting dust into his runners. Some tennis and golf would do some help he assured himself in the third person... ....about two weeks before the classic the waz woke up. Rip van Winkle like. Waz Christmas a dream? He stared hard into the mirror. To be sure the chest was firmer. But that extra rubber around the waist was warrying. Something drastic would need to be done. Hence the last throw of the dice took the form of "erection management". The scribe looked into the crystal ball provided by the Audax Ride Profile. It was clear that much standing on the pedals or riding in the fully erect position would be required. No problem. Out with the mountain bike. Remove the saddle. Coupla rides into Melbourne .... Hey Presto ...we have instant thunder thighs. BUT the big question remained. Would the 25 kays to Melbourne from Beauey match up to the ardours of the Victorian Alps. No doubt all would be revealed... So off we all set out for Bright. The surly cold summer now a memory and the glimmering blue haze a reminder that summer was back with a vengeance. En route the entry forms were re studied to check heights, gradients and distances. Tawonga Gap didn't look like much of a gap. More like a dragons tooth sticking up from the gummy river beds and descents. Tawonga in turn dwarfed by the tusks of Falls Creek and Mt Buffalo. The soft hipped yuppies decamped at the resorts and the happy campers headed for Wandiligong. We gazed anxiously at the distant heights of Falls Creek and Mt Bogong. The Dandenong's looked like a pancake in comparison. Like sirens like they beckoned to us.... "Come my babies, come and Reveal All". THE RIDE To call this ride a classic is correct. It is in fact called "The Alpine Classic" But this is too succinct. Too understated. It is, in another form of fact, a ride of tremendous beauty, of alpine proportions, and true blue ferocious aussie conditions. We gathered in an ominously warm, humid dawn. As the sky changed from a starlit indigo to a cloudless cobalt blue. The weather gods were lighting up all the gas burners for our Alpine Oven. I gobbled down a slab of baklava and we were off... The scribe was in the first wave at 06:20. Approx 200 hundred riders cruised alongside the Ovens River. Over the course of the day there would be 1200 souls peddling up or down one hill or the other. I blinked and we were negotiating the turn into Germantown. By the time I had found out where I had stashed my leppin, we had covered 20 kilometres. It seems that these long rides get easier over time my gull like wit deduced.... Slopes then started to appear. "Towonga Gap" intoned the older riders with Audax logos on their kit. Ahh... at last up on the pedals. Like Lance. Now lets get the show started. Older, smarter and younger folk drifted in my wake. The Jaffa exuded an expensive carbon lustre. All waz well in the world of woz. Up hill and down dale. Hills becoming longer, dales more infrequent. Then the first twinkling of reality. And doubt.... Click, click!! Eh? what's wrong with the derailleur? Looking down. I'm on the 26 tooth. The v irgin. Never been blooded in battle before. Too big for the hills of Melbourne. Eyes front. Crikey Moses! I'm using the small chain ring !! No more gears for you matey. Its all grunt work from here, and its not even breakfast.... The sirens were starting to beckon.... Come my baby, come come my baby Be my little sugar pie... The next memory I had was of being passed. O woe, o misery. One likes to imagine oneself as being a top athlete. Like Lance. But every now and then one is reminded And it is a jarring experience The odd fit suntanned ferrety looking dude who looks made of sinew and piano wire can be tolerated But groups of four or five are hard to take And that's not counting the big hitters out of sight in front of me Come come come my baby, Youre no mountain butterfly I started looking up for the top of a tree line.... Massive eucalypts towered above me. More riders cruised by ...why haven't I seen these people on beach road before I panted Then more.. I was becoming somewhat discouraged as their chatter drew closer whilst my wordless breath ran out of steam I started to huff and puff my aerobic mantra We are one, but we are many, we are the bandidos .... But it was no use Today was going to be another long tower of pain The one question was how long and intense would be the suffering... the other came unbidden...from the depths of my soul.. Tawonga Gap Ascent is a 600 metre climb. It is not as steep as the final climb up to Thredbo from Dead Horse Gap. Nor as long. But it is only 1 of 4 major hill climbs. At 7 in the morning the temperature was already oppressive. The crest of the gap was attained and then all the capital of the climb donated to the downhill run to Tawonga South. My speedo gave a max speed of 243 kmph but we agreed it probably got stuck and under read before jamming. Good gradient, good corners, no surprises, minimal hoons. Water picked up at Tawonga South and a much needed banana. We were seduced by some more hills and dales. A Sage amongst us warned : When you cross the Kiewa River Bridge, Beware That is your Rubicon For there is no going back from that point No more shall downhills ease your quads Six hundred of Tawonga seemed pretty toothy What was the twelve hundred metre climb to Falls going to be like? Strangely enough, all was to be revealed The sirens crooned lovingly in the background... It was a long long way up to the falls My visions of doing it fully erect deflated fairly rapidly Half way up, the dreaded thought crept into my flacid consciousness.... I thrust it back... Back Satan, you belong to another age Of foolish youth, punctuated with ultra marathons, heat stroke and intravenous drips I'm a cyclist now... Smarter, wiser Riding the most efficient machine on the planet But no, it would not be denied WHY AM I DOING THIS? No answer... Because I'm stupid? Please let it not be so... Up and down. On and off the saddle. Breathe deep, keep a rhythm, keep spinning, watch that cadence... The pain became distracted by a few events. Firstly, the Punisher, Mavis and a group of hangers on ground past Cordial greetings were exchanged Plus my apologies that I would not be escorting them Accepted Secondly, the sound of tyres The leaders came charging down from the heavens My word they were flying !!! Looking like something out of a pro bike magazine Or from a tour de France newscast A funny thought occurred to me.. You never see much smiling on the faces of people going up a hill But by golly there are smiles abounding on the descenders Many different smiles : There is the smile of a risk taking speed freak There is the determined smile of someone holding on for dear life There is the slightly smug smile of someone who remembers the anguish of the ascent Then thirdly, an unhappy memory The sound of a falling water bottle just up the road The slow motion view of a fellow detaching himself from the bike in mid air The thunk and screech of body and bike on the road at over 50 kmph Poor man lost a lot of skin but the ambulance got to him in short order Finally the top of Falls Creek event A quick drink, gobble, stash of banana, and off again back to Bright A very large swoop all the way back down to Mount Beauty and then up on the pedals for Tawonga Gap return leg. Mavis and PB pass me at the Tawonga foothills after a slow start at the top The Wise Men warned that the race I mean ride really starts at the return leg of Tawonga Gap We were shielded by the tall forest of Falls Creek as we ascended. But The Gap was fully exposed by 11am At this stage the temperature was baking hot People starting to walk. Again the question why Still no answer I am now senseless of the view My eyes flicker from the Speedo to the road Down to 11kmph means up on the pedals Legs too tired, try sitting Look down, I'm now going so slow I can read the writing on my hub..ultegra ultegra ultegra Cadence is falling. Earlier I could spin at 70, now 60 is getting hard and every now and again I'm in the fifties O man, why am I here? When I get to Bright, that's it, a lunch and a sleep in the cool cool shade for me I am saved by the realisation that I haven't eaten enough and I'm trying to ride too fast I punch down my remaining banana and 2 slabs of leppin, then a bottle of water I stay in the 26 and slow the cadence into the fifties Over the top and an effortless swoop into Bright. There is some cloud and a spurious breeze This brings massive relief to the heat fatigued riders. We get a big cheer from the wives in Bright. There is a quick chat, some buns, bananas, oranges, more juicy water and we're off again Seems that another 70 km and Mt Buffalo might be possible.... I start with PB and Mavis but they soon disappear The ride up Buffalo was massively long in the extreme. Porepunkah dispatched before the legs were loosened Eorobin Falls seemed as high as Tawonga I started to swear that I would never attempt this mad ride again Why are we doing this ride was a common theme to all but the most ardent riders ....More grinning from the downhill runners Wish I was one of them, b*st*rds I want to ask people how far but fear the answer. I look for the highest point but many peaks tower above me My toes start to cramp It feels like someone has pressed a soldering iron under them I'm alone and begin to quietly curse and whimper But it doesn't help All is now revealed, I am not in shape for this stuff I wont get off the bike to nurse my feet until the top That is my goal. I win and the mountain looses I go home, to air-conditioning and TV, the mountain can deal with the sun and geological erosion Who's the winner then eh? I start to concentrate on the pain. Is that what Rambo would do? Another corner, then another, then another, still no summit I am now twisting my feet inside the shoe trying to relieve the fire I remember how good it felt lying under the trees at Bright Eventually I cant take it any more & climb off the bike and remove the inner soles A miracle, the pain is gone. In fact it does not return for the rest of the ride !!! The next corner is the crest and I wind into Mt Buffalo Chalet just as PB cruises past on the return leg. ...he doesn't look too happy himself I find a cramped up Mavis at the Chalet. It seems even the super fit and super human are being affected by the heat A hosepipe shower, stretch, slurp and a gobble and we are off I'm a bit concerned that I'm going to get cooked keeping up with the Keith but he is definitely not a well man The downhill charges us up and it isn't long before we are overtaking cars There is some thrust and parry with a Campervan until the fool realises he is lacking braking and cornering Another petrol burner disappears into the background. Where they belong We get a 5 man peloton going back into Bright. One fellow gets the idea of breaking from the pack about 2 kilometres from the finish. He is rudely reminded about the difference between watching TDF breakaways on TV and real life as an amateur with 200 kilometres of mountains under the belt. We duly eat him up and spit him out the back. At last, The End, more cheers from the wives. A very very happy moment. We eat a mountain of sugary grub, have a dip in the beloved Ovens River and enthusiastically greet the arrival of the Hamster COMMENT OF THE DAY I feel that El Presidente gets too much press in these releases, but hell, the man produces some memorable quotes. Heres another "John you are my hero. You too Wazza. And you as well Mavis...But PB is more than a hero. He's a freak" Laurie had a classic "Guess well have to come back again and do the full 200" A local at the Ethic Pub "Youve given me an Eggplant steak but theres no meat" (I had that one explained to me) "There are no damn instructions for this tent" Unwitting words emitted by the witless Wazza [The instructions actually found by PB when gallantly re packing the tent at close of day] THE PROTAGONISTS The day took a very heavy toll of the Bandits. We all came to plunder the full 200 clicks but less than half survived. A big hit for the team that now calls Round the Bay in a Day "The Bay before Lunch" The Hamster Hamster was Hero of the Day by common consent. The Invisible Man became the Invincible Man. He of the broken beak most likely to not suck seed hit the big time. Looked strong all the way thru. Always smiling and gracious to the end. No whimpering and crying from this man. No sore feet expletives. Just the odd harrumph and head down indicators that the fella may be suffering. The dicky good knee came good. The good old bad knee remained dormant. A big cheer for Jono !! Nuggety Nuggety had a very off day. A day of cramps and labour. The cramps eventually invading the abdominal area and making a misery of his lunch. All those gnarled and nuggetty muscles abounding in his body had a Bastille Day and refused to cooperate with His Royalty. That authority being his brain. The grey cells requesting the red fibres to go forth and do the right thing by Mt Buffalo. Not a happy chappie post lunch. Cossie Cossie whooped up to Falls Creek. Gained 15 minutes on the scribe which is considered to be an Olympic feat. Looked relaxed and fresh. I expected him to come past me going up Tawonga but the Broken Shoulder War Wound manifested itself in the downhill poundings and Trev had to retire in some pain at Bright. 130 kilometres under the belt The Punisher First man in. But not at his vintage best. Muttered often before, during and after at the need to ride 200km of hills in mid summer. The wise ask why in the coolness of contemplation. Fools ask why in the heat of battle. PB is certainly a wise man but the warrior spirit lures him into combat. Paid the price in several unscheduled dismounts to relieve cramp, heat and thirst. Mavis Mavis had a big day on the battlefield. Did the full two hundred. Also had to hand over some big body payments. Cramps beset our man at several points and he was suffering when we met at the top of Mt Buff. Gained some good experience in ultra endurance as a consequence. My only experience of seeing another Bandido seriously mixing it with the Punisher up the big hill climbs. Laurie Looked good on the way up to Falls Creek. But suffered badly on the way back and had to retire. Reports that he did not feel well.... I still think he needs a bigger cog. Bernie Bernies bike got the better of him. Became too uncomfortable to knock off the last 70 clicks and hung with the others at Bright. A longer head stem may do the trick for next time. I must admit that the idea of some extra gears does appeal providing the set-up is right. He may be onto something... Wazza No big talk from the legs of fire. This was a bloody tough one no doubt about it. Many reports of soreness. There were the sore toes mentioned above. There were also sore soles nearby and then in the other extremities sore palms. I even had blisters on my palms! Not seen since the teenage years!! My hands were almost completely numb going down Mt Buffalo and had to use all my strength to operate the brakes. Al Presidente EP had by his own admission a shocker of a ride. It would appear that sailing does nothing for ones riding abilities !! Al reminisced on his lowest point as follows : It would appear that Tawonga took all the spunk out of The Pres and the crawl up Falls were the many chapters of a long horror story for our hapless leader. Picture then, the man struggling. His once mighty strength deserting him. His lower back feeling like someone has connected the mains supply to it. His neck is in a vice invented by the Spanish Inquisition. His legs feel like they have been pickled in a vat of sulphuric acid. To make matters even worse his lightly clad butt is being voraciously attacked by a cloud of March Flies. The MD of an International Company has been reduced to a Blood Bowser for one of the lowest forms of life on this planet. To be tapped from at will. At this point (as if things aren't bad enough) the normally temperate president lets loose an oath at one of these pesky insects... F**** OFF YOU BL%&DY Sh$#head !!! This causes immediate horror and repugnance to his fellow riders (assuming themselves to be the target) AND Causes The Pres to inhale another offender thru his enraged orifice The Pres had plenty of time to reflect on the fine details of this act whilst trying to purge his mouth of desiccated insect intestine and exoskeleton THE FACILITIES The riding facilities were universally superb. Audax had well stocked and manned stations. The food was fantastic. The maps and directions very good. The marshall's friendly and helpful. The Wandiligong campsite we stayed in was a pearl. A river ran through it. A grove of mature plane trees accentuated and shaded it. And a small but effective toilet and laundry / wash up spot punctuated it .... To it we shall return. THE POST RIDE WRAP UP The wrap up was conducted at the local Wandy pub. A very ethnic spot with fancy dishes like Egg Plant steaks and Tandoori Salad. The proprietor was the lead for Canned Heat and there was a real C&W air about the place. War stories again abounded from the jaded memories of weary warriors. It was Bernie's Birthday. Ree Irvine conjured up a birthday cake and the locals enthusiastically joined in with the singing and cheers. Happy Birthday Bernie - we will have to have one out here every year !!! GUEST RIDERS Several Challenge 2001 riders were spotted. Joe of the Gas Bottle Legs was there. Walter the Fearless was halooed as well. THE ANSWER Yes well my friends are gone and my hair is grey and I ache in the places that I used to play and we still don't have the answer to why do we did this to ourselves (some of us) on that fateful day However the answer was not found out on the road. It was found in the collective consciousness of the riders post ride. In general, those of us who completed the 200 kilometres, swore we would never do it again. Those that didn't finish were consequentially obliged / challenged to complete it next time. Once was more than enough. Nounce was not enough Hence the only reason to do it, is to not do it Because if you don't do it, then you have to do it Got it? Hoo Roo Kangaroos. For the Bandits Mega site : http://www.baysidebandidos.com Click on the images below…(they will be added to later) |
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