Ourstory

When I was about 15 or 16 weeks pregnant, my doctor asked me if I wanted to get the AFP (alfa- fetoprotein) test done. It screens for neural tube defects (spina bifida and anencephaly) and Down Syndrome. It was a simple blood test, so I figured why not have it? I wasn't worried at all that anything would be wrong. My doctor told me if it came back positive, not to be really alarmed. He said it was just a screening, and not a very reliable one, at that. I didn't think about it for days, and when I remembered that I had had it done,I called the office to get the results. When my doctor called to give me the results, I knew something was wrong. I have been his patient for six years, and he wasn't his usual chipper self. He told me that it came back real high, which is indicative of a NTD. Mine should have come back around 2.5 and it was 10.6. I was in shock. He said he would call the hospital in the morning, to have them scedule an ultrasound. I was so upset. I cried and cried thinking of what might be wrong. I knew that high results could mean twins, too, so Dave was just convinced that that's all it was. They called the next morning, and scheduled an u/s for the next week. That was a terrible week. I cried every day.

Finally the day came for the u/s. We were quite nervous, not knowing exactly what we would find out. Ron, the u/s tech, started out by taking the usual measurments. When he got to the babies head, Dave asked if everything looked ok. He said he had to go get the doctor, My heart sank when he said that. I knew something was wrong. The doctor came in, looked at the screen for a few seconds and said he would come back after Ron was done to answer any questions we might have. Finally, he got done, and the doctor came back in. He asked if we had any questions. I told him no, as long as everything was ok. He said that everything wasn't ok. He said there was good and bad. He told us there were two babies, but one of them had a severe anomaly. I thought maybe spina bifida ( I was hoping it would be that), but he said it was worse than that. He said the baby's brain didn't develop, a condition called anencephaly, that was incompatible with life. I went numb. He said that he had talked to my doctor, and he wanted to see me that afternoon. We came home for a couple hours and I did some research on the internet about anencephaly. We went back to see to see my doctor. He thought it would be best to go up to Fargo, ND, to see a high risk ob/gyn. He is a GP, and doesn't especially like dealing with high risk pregnancies. I hated to leave him, but knew it would be for the best. I was quite nervous to meet the new doctor, because I didn't think any doctor would be as good as mine. As soon as I met him, I knew we would be ok. He was a great doctor. He wanted me to get regular u/s to measure the growth of the healthy baby. He said sometimes the sick baby takes everything, and the healthy baby gets nothing, which we obviously didn't want. I was scheduled for an u/s on the next visit. We wanted to call the babies by their names, so we asked the u/s tech if she could find out the sex of both babies. She said that the anencephalic baby was, with 90% certainty a little girl. She looked at the healthy baby for a second, and said it's a boy. He had his legs spread wide open! We had been thinking about names since we found out it was twins. Dave wanted to name the boy after his grandpa. His name was Milton, which is not my favorite name! I said we could do it, but it had to be the middle name. Eric went well with Milton, so we decided that's what our little boys name would be. I was having a hard time deciding between Mackenzie and Michaela for our little girl. When we found out the meaning of Michaela, Who is like God, all indecision was taken away. Her middle name was going to be Ann, which is my middle name. I wanted her to always have some of me with her.

I started having contractiona at the end of Feb. I was admitted to the hospital on Feb. 26. I stayed the night, and had a couple shots to stop the contractions. When I was discharged, I was put on complete bedrest for two weeks. From that time, until April 13, when the babies were born, I was in the hospital several times for contractions. The last time was the first week in April. When I was discharged, I felt Eric moving around like crazy. He had been vertex (head down) through the whole pregnancy, but I had the feeling that he had turned breech. I think, now that somehow he knew that his sister might not live if I delivered them vaginally, so he turned. When I went in for the next u/s on Tuesday, April 11, I asked what position the healthy baby was in. He told me breech. That's not what I wanted to hear. I did not want to have a c-section. When we went upstairs to see my doctor, he asked us what we would think about babies on Thursday. He said the chance of Eric turning again was very small, so it would be best if he went ahead and did the section. He was going on vacation and didn't want me going into labor when he was gone. I was happy and sad all at the same time. I remember crying as I sat on the table in the exam room. I was happy that I would get to meet my babies in two days, but sad because I knew we might have to say goodbye to Michaela in two days.

I was pretty nervous about the c-section. I had a severe stroke in 1993, when I was 23 years old, and have been taking blood thinners ever since then. I was afraid I was either going to bleed to death, or have my blood clot too much and have another stroke. Dave and I got up there about 9:30. The surgery was scheduled for 12:15. I did all the required paperwork, the nurses got me situated, and then it was just Dave and I. He took some pictures of me, so we would never forget how big my belly was! They were running just a little behind in the birthing center, but I walked down there at about 12:30. When we got down there, I was ready to just wait for Eric to turn back around! I have never had any kind of surgery, and it was so cold in the room, there were about 7 nurses, my doctor, the NICU doctor (just in case Eric was in any distress, since they were about three weeks early), and all those scissor looking instruments! I was scared. They gave me the spinal, and in about a minute, I felt nothing. I didn't even know that they had started until Dave said said "she's moving!" A huge weight came off my shoulders when he said that. We wanted her to be born alive very badly. My doctor said "there she is" and I heard the NICU doctor say that she had a pretty bad deformity. I was thinking she had spina bifida or a cleft lip, too. I didn't hear any crying, and thought that she was already gone. Then I heard a little cry, and I started crying. I asked Dave if that was her and he told me it was. They suctioned her a little bit and then gave her to me. She was so beautiful! I couldn't believe this perfect little being had come from me. She was very blue, though. I held and kissed her, and told her that mommy and daddy were here, and we loved her, and it was ok for her to go.   The NICU doctor didn't think she would live until the hospital chaplain got there, so he baptized her, with me holding her. She surprised us all. A minute later her "little" brother was born. He let us all know that he had a very healthy set of lungs!

They let me hold him for a couple minutes before they took them to the nursery. He was so cute! They weighed and measured them in the nursery. Michaela weighed 3 lbs. 9 oz. and was 16 inches long. Eric weighed 5 lbs and was 18 1/2 inches long. We took lots of pictures and we had bought a camcorder for the birth. We wanted to get as many memories as possible in the short time that we thought she would be with us. We got her first and only cry, when she was born, which I am so glad about. We wanted as many people as possible to meet her. We had lots of family and friends visit in the hospital. It was very tiring, but we knew that that might be their only chance to meet her. Megan was scared to hold her at first. I think that she was afraid that she would pass away when she was holding her. Once she held her, it was hard to pull her away from her for someone else to hold her. Alyssa wasn't real pleased with the whole situation. She wasn't the baby any more, and she didn't like it. She never did hold Michaela. We had really hoped she would, but we weren't going to force into something she didn't want to do. I figured that would do more damage to her, than help her. We were discharged from the hospital on Sunday, April 16.

We got a referral for hospice from the hospital. The hospice nurse was a wonderful lady, named Melanie. We met her on Monday, when she first came to our house to do the paperwork. She also examined Michaela. Her heartrate was about 130, which was about the same as in the hospital. Her body temp, like in the hospital was about 92. She just couldn't maintain it. In the hospital we had her under the warmer most of the time. When we brought her home, we put her clothes in the dryer to warm them up. Melanie told us that if we had any concerns to call hospice, and she would be right out. My GP, who hadn't met the babies yet, called Tues. morning, and asked if it would be ok, if he came to see us that evening. It was about 1/2 hour away, so I really didn't think he would come, but that evening he came. He was very pleased to meet Michaela and I was so happy he got to see her. Melanie had come out that day, too. Her heartrate was down to about 90. Her little heart just couldn't keep fighting anymore. Wednesday when I went in to check on them, I really didn't expect her to be with us anymore. She was still breathing, but not very well. It was really slow and every once in awhile she would stop breathing for a few seconds. Dave's mom wanted to get family pictures taken. I really didn't want to, but knew that I would be so glad that we did later. We got home from having pictures taken about 6:50. Some friends came to visit. We were talking, when Dave's mom said that she thought it might be time. She started having little seizures and wasn't breathing well at all. Dave's mom gave her to me. We went and sat down by Dave. She opened her eyes bigger than they had ever been open. She looked at me, and stopped breathing. It was very peaceful. That was at 8:20. Dave and I were so worried that we would have to watch her struggle to get her last breath. I'm so glad that didn't happen. Melanie was there in about 5 minutes. She took her to the funeral home for us. The hardest thing I have ever had to do, is give her to Melanie for the last time.

We had all wanted to get her something to take with her. Dave's mom got the outfit that we buried her in. Dave had gone to the store to get me some things, and he just had to buy some things for both babies. He had gotten Michaela a tiny pair of pink socks that she wore. Alyssa and Megan each got her a stuffed animal. Right before the funeral service I put a picture of the 6 of us, that had been taken in the hospital, in that tiny white casket with her.    We buried her the day after Easter. It was a beautiful service at the funeral home. At the cemetary, everyone let a pink balloon go. I felt like we were releasing her soul to be with God.

It hs been almost 8 months since we buried her. The pain does not get easier. I miss her as much as I did the night she passed away. Eric is the light and joy of my life. I look at him, and I see her. I'm so sad for him that he will not know the bond that most twins feel with each other. I think he will always know that she is watching over him, though. I wish for myself that I would know what it was like to be a mommy to twins. Little things set me off. Things that I wish I could watch both of them do. I wouldn't give up a minute of it for anything in the world.

Sweet Michaela, you are our little angel. We miss you and love you so much. Every person that came in contact with you, is a better person for it. Even if you are not here, we know that you are watching over us, and we will never ever forget you. You were a beautiful, precious baby that I love very much. I miss you, punkin. Love, Mommy