Sounds a silly question for most of the people coz for some of them,
these words are very simple and easy to define but for me it took
nearly 10 years to know myself. People have their own identity for
themselves and society, but for me it was a great experience coz the
answer to all these years I was hunting for, was very well-known and
conscious, but hard to surrender and admit - it took really 9 years
to do so. That is: I am (was) an addict and I live one day at a time.
I have a disease with me called addiction along with an age factor
and I am not the only one to have this disease in this world. Though,
now, I am clean, my problem is not only drug addiction today but this
disease has affected me in many aspects of my life. I now think that
drug is not my problem, the bottom line is, I had an addiction problem
in me as a child coz when I reflect back to my childhood, I find myself
to be a shy one, seeking importance from childhood friends and people
around me, trying to do negative and unnecessary things in order to
be the center of attraction. Right from my tender age lying, stealing,
manipulating parents, people and situations grew so intensely that
I didn't have to learn from any one and it was just there right inside
me , all I needed was a small encouragement "Ya! You can do it"; and
certainly what one addict always carry with him is, an attitude like
my way and thinking is different from other: I am Unique. I know every
thing and I am clever. Certainly drug didn't come in my life first
coz first came negative thinking, feeling and the allowance to let
this feeling rule me. I never had a good image in school as I always
went against the authority and the rules of schools, I used to feel
great doing immoral things. At home being the only son started to
take parents for granted and thought them to be some kind of "money-making
machine" - my king baby so strong and is. If I wanted any particular
thing, I used to get obsessed really fast. Certainly, a mask of an
innocent boy came on my face as a disguise for parents - deceiving
them. My addictive behavior, personality grew day by day. So now when
I didn't get all the attention which I was seeking for from people,
friends, I started to fill this emptiness by taking alcohol - as I
heard that the intoxication will give me energy and guts to do some
thing exceptional, such as talking to girls and act like a boss in
a group, but due to the awful smell, I was always caught by teachers
and authorities. So, to get the same high feeling without the smell
I shifted to grass and when I used it first, I felt like a big boy
of my school though, I was just in class. From this small age I started
to grasp negative notions very fast and I used to hunt for things
which gave me satisfaction. As I stepped in to my youth my addiction
had amplified so much with ego, false pride and certainly I needed
more attention from everyone and to get it, I started using chemicals
and I used to feel unique. My body, face slowly started to change
and my talking too with words such as bread, hunt, seek, broke etc.
as an addict uses for his/her verbal communication. I started to carry
resentments against society, friends and parents - a blaming attitude
towards them for what I was becoming, trying to control and change
them the way I wanted them to be. Drugs was not the only problem,
my attitude towards the world had changed. At first I used to feel
great while using it and a false confidence evoked saying that I can
leave drugs any time I want, but I didn't know that drug was ruling
my life in such a manner that without (ab) using I couldn't do anything.
The concept of God was bleak and I had a notion that I was from another
world and he is from another, and if god really exists I needed a
proof. I used to think that I was born of a bad sign and felt great
about it fear, belief, trust slowly seemed to fade from my life and
I was totally selfish - "ME FIRST". Affairs - I never continued for
long because whenever I got myself involved, I found the person to
be an object - such as sex and money making whenever I needed. By
the age of 20 I had became a perfect Junkie. My taste for life was
totally negative - my room showed posters of rock stars all over the
four corners, with sounds like Mozo rising, Kaya and of course the
word legend enveloped me. Rapidly chemicals started to rule and control
me with all my addictive behavior along with things like acceptance,
admittance turned out to be a powerless speech and I had had no value
for it coz I was not been able to accept myself. Life was turning
out to be a big chaos for me and I was becoming unmanageable day by
day. First symptoms which I faced was, whenever or whoever I used
to indulged in with, I used to feel rejected, a fear of rejections
was plant in me and I couldn't relate to normal people. I was becoming
high, seeking person who needed some kind of energy to make him feel
different and "high". Then the only solution I saw was in drugs and
due to my drug using I was becoming menace to my parents, society
and loved ones; I started using people to get my drugs and had become
a one track minded person - how to get money for the stuff and how
to get more and more; this naturally lead to stealing, selling of
ones own possessions etc. At home I had a false believe that my parents
and people around me doesn't know what I was doing and I was living
in a illusion and I became a person filled with selfishness, self-centered
feeling and a person whose life wholly became dependant on drugs,
ego and false pride. My life was becoming a hell, but still no idea
of quitting drugs. Get up in the morning early and start stealing
money from dad's pocket or sister's purse. If I didn't get the money
then I would force my mom for to provide me the same. She knew for
what her son was asking money, but due to my ragging and my condition,
she was compelled to give me money. But how long that money's trip
gonna last. So finally I had to do something in order to get the stuff
for morning, 'coz I knew that if I didn't take, especially in the
morning, I would be sick and I was really afraid of being sick - the
body pain mostly, I was so much dependant on drugs. Even if I wanted
to quit I was unable to, due to the obsession and the compulsion,
as (ab) using drug had become so strong. A kind of fear had developed
inside me that if I don't take my dose today I will be sick and won't
be able to sleep. The fear of death had died out and was replaced
with the fear of falling sick, pain and loneliness, but despite of
all the things realization on me didn't come instead. Physically I
started becoming delicate but there was no sign of realization, "Jab
Tak Jaan Tab Tak Taan" was my attitude. Never thought that I could
again become a normal person. I had forgotten all of my natural being,
behavior and actions; the only thing that always struck was to get
the drugs - by hook or crook, I must have my drugs first. One day
as usual I was looking for carrying luggage for passengers on the
bus stand (the act of a broker) "Dalal" with long uncombed hair, shabbily
dressed and a favorite two stripe slippers with lots of dirt in between
the fingers of my feet, who really stinked. Saw one of my old using
partner although elder to me passing by I was very much confused by
seeing him totally changed fresh and clean and couldn't believe the
way he looked like completed change from the last time I meet him
Came towards me and started saying to me how long will I fight with
drugs surrender man! At first I thought he giving me Big Talks and
dominating me and ignored him and what he was saying me but some words
he told me really touched me and really could identify his experiences,
hope and strength and how he came out from the horror of addiction.
He told me to come to the NA meetings but though I had the desire
to stop using I didn't had the guds to admit that I am having a drug
problem but by gods grace I was into one of the room filled with lots
of recovering addicts sharing their experiences I first felt very
boring but listening to they sharing suddenly the words stared to
hit me and I started identifying who really I am saw my self in them
like a mirror and same disease as they were sharing about I found
a hope and strength form seeing them and a question started to grow
in me if they can why I can't be clean so I started attending meetings
regularly . Now things have changed though the disease is still with
me but the ways are different. Today being an addict I have learn
to live and leave to learn the basic principals of life and my value
At last I found my self who am I.Through NA meeting. I was a simple
addict with a disease of addiction carrying with me which cannot be
cure whole of my lifetime but can be abstain and restore If I have
the desire to do so. The only thing I need was a gut to admit and
surrender my self to drug. I found there is a hope and I a not alone
who is facing this problem of addiction I don't say that after leaving
drug I have become clean guy but this much I learn from NA meeting
is that Drug was my secondary problem the real problem was within
me and a big ego of mine which always told me you cannot be a looser
the problem was my way of looking world and ofcourse my self-will.
Today I will grow and do things I had miss in my addiction time that
is love my self, accept my weakness. Recovery is a discovery Though
today still there is a addiction problem with me that sift one into
another forms but through the 12 steps of NA I can see and be aware
of what I am doing and what has to be done in order to stay clean
and sober. After becoming clean life has not changed but has given
a new meaning of life "Jiyo aur Jina dho". With lots of choices for
live
© Lakpa Sherpa.
