The exact origin of the man known as Fresser are unknown. It is
believed that he was a former high priest of an obscure Lunar cult who incurred Moonson's
displeasure by laughing uncontrollably at the sight Moonson's posterior at an orgy. Some
mention is made in Fresser's opus magnus, The Gourmet Guide to Glorantha (The
GGG), (his only surviving work) about the danger of making full moon jokes
in the divine presence. Perhaps unsurprisingly enough nothing exists in surviving Lunar
records about this incident. Little is known about the cult Fresser was said to have led
as the cult is believed to have been eradicated during the period known as the Monster
Empire. Bibliometric research into the number of references in the GGG made about a
specific deity suggest that the minor goddess known as Cora of the Two Appetites was the
deity Fresser worshipped. What is known about Fresser is that after being exiled he
wandered Glorantha writing notes about whatever caught his fancy (most of the surviving
notes discuss food in some aspect which is why the work is known as the Gourmet Guide).
References in the work suggest he was a decadent sybarite of debauched tastes who traveled
over much of Glorantha in his long exile. The text suggests that Fresser was an enormous
man of great girth and formidable physical strength.
"There was once an occasion once when I feared I would be the
dinner rather than the diner. I and my entourage had been forced by the imminent onset of
night to stop in a grotty little hamlet named O_____ on the borders of the Lunar Redlands.
I selected the least loathsome of the squalid huts to spend the night in and my batsman
knocked on the door and informed the tenants of their great honour. Much to my surprise
they seemed thrilled to put us up for the night. They almost fell over each other in their
haste to make their dive hospitable for us. At the time I thought it a trick of the light
but I could have sworn that the grizzled family patriarch almost drooled when he caught
sight of my noble immensity. He kept babbling on about how he and his "kinfolk would
be plum honored to have us for dinner".
They were quite a strapping family with such neat, white teeth. I
had been so long without feminine companionship that I actually forgot myself and had
lustful thoughts for the daughter of the family. She definitely forgot her low position
and was so familiar as to actually grab hold of my arm whispering that I certainly was a
toothsome morsel. I almost blushed I was so shocked by her forwardness. I snatched my arm
back from the lowborn hussy and inquired where I could freshen up. This question was met
by many blank stares on the part of the yokels until my batsman explained what I wanted.
By this time the rest of my entourage had been shown to an out building where they would
spend the night.
The littlest yokel showed me to a dark and dank outhouse where I
could gratefully if somewhat reluctantly empty my bowels and my bladder. I debated the
merits of actually seeing the interior of the structure but decided that a little light
would make the operation all the easier. I invoked the Yelm's blessing onto an Imperial I
took from my money pouch (far be it for me to trust anyone with my purse). I cursed my
somewhat thick, yet noble and graceful fingers as the coin slipped from my fingers and
fell into the privy! My father (damn him to Hell) had always impressed into me with his
fists that an Imperial saved was an Imperial earned so I reflexively leaned over and
looked into the hole.
I was shocked by what I saw. There below me clearly lit by Yelm's
Blessing and smeared with excrement were human bones including many skulls the braincases
of which had been cracked open like so many melons to extract the tasty brains within.
Obviously I had fallen into a nest of ogres!
Forgetting my Imperial I quickly finished my business and stole
outside to fetch my entourage from the outbuilding they had been ushered to. What horror
met my eyes there but the sight of my entire entourage hanging from the rafters like so
many capons with their gizzards slit. I quickly realized that I had no one to rely on but
myself so I resolved to steal to the front of the hovel, liverate a horse and ride to the
nearest authorities to issue a complaint. (Woe to me that such a talented hairdresser
should die so young. And after I finally had him properly trained). I snuck to the front
of the hovel. No horses there. I was stealthily gliding to an outbuilding that looked like
it might be a stable when I was spotted by a brutish youth with a large mace who accosted
me. "Where da ya think you're goin' fatty? Ain't ya staying fur dinner." After
uttering this witticism he guffawed heartedly and relaxed his guard. Like many others he
made the fatal error of imagining that an individual of my immense girth would be both
slow and devoid of muscle and thus no threat. The edge of my hand to his windpipe quickly
silenced his laughter and picking up his mace I crushed his skull. I proceeded to the
stable and found my noble Blackie tied up inside. I quickly saddled him and we lumbered
out of the stable and away to safety.
When we reached what passed for civilization I filed an official
complaint against the cannibals but of course they were long gone by the time the troops
arrived. My only regret about the whole incident (besides the lack of vengeance and the
loss of my hairdresser and batsman) was having missed an opportunity to taste actual
longpork rather than herd man. Maybe someday."
"Never in all my many travels through Glorantha have I ever met
a more boring, lacklustre lot of dolts than I did in the so-called Sun Dome County in
Prax. Their idea of fine dining consists of barley gruel three times a day and all alcohol
is controlled by their priests who are the very exemplars of stodginess and puritanism.
Their women are kept locked up away from stranger's eyes and the men profess horror at the
idea of boy love. The place's only saving graces are the stupidity of the people in charge
and the blindness of the authorities to the hazia trade. The Goddess preserve me from
having to visit there ever again."
Fresser's Laws of Dining:
1) If it moves not and it is not fastened down, eat it.
2) If it moves and others are eating it, eat it.
3) If no one else is around and you want to eat something fastened down, go ahead!
4) To live is to dine, to dine is to live.
5) When in Raibanth, do as the Raibanthi.
Fresser on Balazar
Extracted here are the references Fresser made to the Land of
Balazar in the GGG. (A surprising number considering his self-avowed dislike of primitive
areas).
Some annotated statements by Virgil the Lesser, scholar of the GGG
and High Priest of Irripi Ontor at Furthest are appended. These are indicated by the
initials VL.
On the Balazarings
"The Balazarings are a fairly uniform race. On the short side,
fairly burly and stocky with brown hair and eyes. The men are covered with hair like a
beast while the women are not completely lacking in charm. Their bodies are generally
covered by tattoos and scars. They live a hard, brutish life and die young."
"All evidence from other sources indicates that Fresser is
exaggerating the hairiness of the Balazaring men. They were slightly hairier than their
neighbours but not to the extent of being unnaturally hirsute. There is no evidence that
they lived shorter lives than their neighbours or peoples who lived similar lives."
VL
On the Balazaring Military
"I had the opportunity to speak with the commander of the Lunar
garrison at our outpost of Elkoi, one Euryptus the Bold (a diminutive individual claimed
to possess surprising physical strength so probably an ogre) about Balazaring military
might. After nearly choking to death on his native beer (a foul, repulsive brew I would
refuse to use to clean my bottom with) from his amusement at my question he responded
thusly. "They are a brave lot I will grant you that. I would not hunt some of the
monsters they hunt. However, as a military force they are laughable. My garrison of 200
could conquer the whole lot of them if we cared to. They have no concept of modern battle
or tactics and I wouldn't give you a fig for their chances against any decent military
force. Once they were finished with their idiotic posturing a group of Orlanthi could beat
them. They just don't have the equipment or the killer instinct a true army needs." F
"Many references indicate that the Balazarings were actually
extremely adept at what has been termed "guerilla warfare", i.e. lightning raids
and attacks making the best use of the terrain. This ability of course wouldn't have
helped them in a set piece battle against Lunar regulars." VL
On the Presence of Horses in Balazar
"Cursed with an insatiable curiosity I found myself plying the
commander of the citadel guard of Trilus with expensive imported alcohol in order to find
out why a non-agrarian society had horses. The commander, a large surly lout typical of
the region had no stomach for liquor. He considered himself honoured to possess a metal
sword, spear and armour. He was nominally a worshiper of Yemalio but from what I gathered
of their version of the cult he would have been burnt at the stake as a heretic anywhere
else in Genertela. Once he was deep in his cups he told me that the reason the Balazaring
citadel dwellers had horses was that in the time of his grandfathers the following had
happened. Certain rich Lunars desired to hunt in Balazar, to experience the "true
primitive existence" as it were. These Lunars liked nothing better than to visit
Balazar, partake of the primitive lifestyle, experience primitive spectacles, etc., etc.
In fact certain of them created a sort of industry where they brought tours of their rich,
decadent friends to Balazar. However they found that they had no way in which to pay the
Balazarings. The Balazaring kings would have liked to be paid in weapons and armour or
gold but the Lunars were not allowed to transport large quantities of weapons or armour or
even gold to Balazar. One clever Lunar came up with the idea of bringing breeding stock of
horses to Balazar to pay the kings with. On their way out of the region they would claim
that the horses had died or been stolen by the Balazarings. If the custom officials in
Tarsh had looked a little closer at their own records a little sooner they could have
halted this trade earlier." F
"The exact degree of heresy that the Balazaing cult of Yemalio
possessed is unknown. Despite Fresser's claim to the contrary it is recorded that several
Balazaring Yemalians traveled freely to temples of Yemalio outside Balazar without any
problems. Official records from the custom office in Tarsh showed that there was indeed a
large "loss" of horses in Balazar by Lunar tourists during the middle of the
16th century." VL
On the Balazaring Religions
"The main gods and goddesses of the Balazarings are Votank,
their ancestor god, Balazar, the founder of their "kingdom" hero sub-cult of the
Yemalio cult, Foundchild, god of hunters, Brother Dog, a sub-cult of Foundchild, Yemalio
of course, and a slew of lesser, local spirits." F
"Strangely enough for the former high priest of a goddess
Fresser neglects to mention the main goddess of the Balazarings, the Hearth-Mother or
Grandmother Earth. The Balazarings also worship Rigitaina, leader of the hunting nymphs.
Another goddess who received proprietary worship at least was the Wild Mother, the goddess
of the land. " VL
On Balazaring Worship and Magic
"A great deal of the magic that the Balazarings perform,
especially their worship is in the form of dance. Spells are learned in the form of sacred
dances and the gods and goddesses are worhipped through dancing. An interesting, if overly
energetic approach to religion." F
"It is understandable that someone believed to be as large and
bulky as Fresser would not fully appreciate the subtleties of dance in magic or religion.
A heavy reliance on dance and music in magic and religion is of course an indication of
how primitive Balazaring beliefs and practices were." VL
See also the first two letters under Fresser's Letters.
Fresser's Letters
The following letters were discovered in an archive in Glamour.
A letter from Balazar that recounts some
events that occured in my campaign.
Another Letter from Balazar also recounts
some events that occured in my campaign.
The Big Picture recounts the history of a
painting in Glamour.
Some of his letters serve as travelogues for places he visited :
A Visit to Alkoth
A Visit to Elkoi
A Visit to Jillaro
A Visit to Pavis
A Visit to Sun County
This page last modified January 16, 2003
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