11) You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
12) The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake.
13) You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
14) You LICK your coffee pot clean.
15) You spend every vacation visiting the 'Maxwell House.'
16) You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work
there.
17) You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
18) Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
19) You chew on other people's fingernails.
20) The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
21) Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated is the devil’s blend."
22) You’re so jittery, people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
23) You can type sixty words per minute . . . with your feet
24) You can jump start your car without cables.
25) Cocaine is a downer.
26) All of your kids are named "Joe."
27) You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
28) Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
29) You don’t sweat, you percolate.
30) You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel.
31) You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
32) You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
33) You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
34) You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
35) Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
36) You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
37) People get dizzy just watching you.
38) You’ve worn the finish off of your coffee table.
39) The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
40) Starbuck’s owns the mortgage on your house.
41) Your tastebuds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
42) You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
43) People can test their batteries in your ears.
44) Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
45) Instant coffee takes too long.
46) You channel surf faster without a remote.
47) You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
48) Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil . . . and Colombia . . . and . . .
49) You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
50) You’d go to sleep just so you can ‘wake up and smell the coffee.’
51) You’re offended when people use the word ‘brew’ to mean beer.
52) You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
53) You get drunk just so you can sober up.
54) You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
55) Your Thermos is on wheels.
56) Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
57) You have a picture of your coffee mug ON your coffee mug.
58) You CAN outlast the Energizer Bunny.
59) You short out motion detectors.
60) You have a conniption over spilled milk.
61) You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
62) Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
63) You think being called a ‘drip’ is a compliment.
64) You don’t tan, you roast.
65) Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
66) You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
67) Your three favorite things in life are . . . coffee before and coffee after.
68) Your wife uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the
mood.
69) You can’t even remember your fourth cup.
70) You help your dog chase its tail.
71) You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
72) Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London
73) You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
74) You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
75) When someone says, "How are you?," you say, "Good to the Last Drop."
76) You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee
can.
Slink and slither your way back to The Demented Email
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or
Dance a jig back to Insanity Links