And this year's nominee is:.......The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of the car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 MPH and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock!
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FUNNY BOYSCOUT LETTER
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We would never have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets,
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
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19 Things NOT to say to the police officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any
old yokel vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.--Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth-- that most of us go to hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. -Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the
wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for
some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets
more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big
fire and everyone died. --Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is,
I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No,
wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
right there. -Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except Maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right
--Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize World peace
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. --Age 15
Return to Demented Emails
2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Tsk tsk tsk, bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are
ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off
my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to
speed out of control.
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were Asked to
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
