Workplace Humor

Courtesy of Erin Maxwell, OU

THE FOLLOWING QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
-- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
-- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
-- I would not allow this employee to breed.
-- This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
-- Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat.
-- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
-- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
-- This young lady has delusions of adequacy. She sets low personal standards and then consistantly fails to achieve them.
-- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
-- This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.

These quotes are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typos are intended)
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital Status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge.
17. I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant.
18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20. Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital Status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Return to Demented Emails