TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is tacky to
drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and "" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners
are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
-On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
-On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
-On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
-On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn
upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
-On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
-On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
-On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate
machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
-On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
-On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
-On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use
only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
-On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
-On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
(Really? Forget that!)
-On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts
(And here I was gnawing my way thru the foil..)
-On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
And My Favorite:
-On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly.
(Sure, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
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