"I Hope You Die"

Whether they admit it or not, everyone has hoped someone they hate would die. You can imagine my jubilation when that filthy whore Mother Teresa bought the farm. Anyway, our friend Parry from the band Nerfherder sings this song with me.

"The Inevitable Return Of The Great White Dope"

I tried to write a song about how cool I am but I ended up sounding like a seven-year-old in a crash helmet having a temper tantrum through a Mister Microphone. Everyone seems to think it's about the resurgence of cocaine's popularity anyway.

"Mama's Boy"

This is a phone call I recorded between my mother and myself. She threatened to sue me, so I swore on my mother's grave that I wouldn't put it on our record. So if you see her, don't tell her. It might kill her. After listening to it again though, I think she might be on crack.

"Three Point One Four"

After my last girlfriend broke up with me, I thought about what qualities my ideal woman would possess. I concluded that all I truly need is a Dunkin' Donut. Sad but true.

"Mope"

This song is about having nothing to do. Or in this case, nothing to say.

"Yummy Down On This"

Since we had a song about cunnilingus on our last record (Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny), I decided we needed a song about fellatio in our repertoire. There is nothing more frustrating than G-spot spelunking in a roast beef canyon and getting no reciprocation. I might as well make out with a pound of salmon. And I wouldn't have to buy it breakfast.

"The Ballad Of Chasey Lain"

I thought if I wrote a song about my favorite adult film actress, I would get to fuck her. She told me that I'm funny. What am I, in high school?

"R.S.V.P."

Evil Jared Hasselhoff and I wrote a script for Chasey Lain to read as sort of a response to "The Ballad Of Chasey Lain". Her read of the script was so good, I think she's a shoe-in for the lead role of Chicken Little at my little cousin's grammar school.

"Magna Cum Nada"

A song about how much we fuckin' suck.

"The Bad Touch"

A song about how much we want to fuck 'n suck.

"That Cough Came With A Prize"

Also known as filler. I smoke three packs of Reds a day.

"Hell Yeah"

This song is about why I would make a good savior. If Jesus were alive today, he would probably wear Birkenstocks. Would you really trust a Phish fan with your Eternal Happiness? I think not.

"This Is Stupid"

This is stupid.

"A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying"

My friend bought me a lap dance from a Russian girl at the Crazy Girls strip club in Los Angeles. As she straddled me, I asked her how she was doing. In a thick Russian accent she said, "Not good, it is three years since I go home to Moscow and now my grandmother has passed away." Then she started to cry. As this was happening, she continued to grind her nasty bits against my trouser snake. Can you picture it in your head? Yes? Well, that image sums up my life.

"Along Comes Mary"

Originally recorded for the soundtrack of the movie "Half-Baked", I didn't realize the lyrics where about marijuana. You know grass, reefer, pot, tea, weed, chronic, spliff, bud, dank, roughage, smoke. I thought it was about a girl named Mary. This was the first single in Germany and was nominated for two Viva Music Television awards. The key word is "nominated". Damn that Britney Spears.