·
'And I know a
woman who is breathtakingly beautiful, but hides her smile behind her hands
because she believes that her teeth are ugly. Her father told her they were
when she was 13 and exquisitely sensitive about her appearance - and her father – and she
believed him absolutely. ,
Childllood insults
still haunt adults
Working Woman
By Niki Scott
I
know a woman who turned down an important
promotion because (she said) she liked the job she already had, and she really
didn't want more responsibility, and she wanted to spend more time with her
family anyway.
But the real reason
she turned down the promotion is that she has believed since she was a child
that she is disorganized and has no head for figures.
She's been quite successful despite this terrible handicap, of course,
but that's because she's 'Just lucky," or so she says.
And my first editor turned down offers at The New York Times and The
Wall Street Journal to work on a weekly newspaper in
But when a small plane crashed into her granddaughter's elementary school,
four blocks from the newspaper and four hours before the presses were due to
roll, she was as cool, calm am I professional as any editor - or boss - could be.
She died at the age of 80, still convinced that she didn't
function well under pressure, still "buying" what her father and
three brothers had told her when she was young.
And I know a woman who is breathtakingly beautiful, but hides her smile
behind her hands because she believes that her teeth are ugly. .Her father told
her they were when she was la and exquisitely sensitive about her appearance - and her father - and she believed him
absolutely.
Thirty years later, all of the compliments she receives about her
appearance mean nothing because ALL of the information she receives about herself is filtered through this "truth" about
herself that she learned as a child ... that her smile is ugly... that she is ugly.
Most of us still carry a few "awful secrets" about ourselves
that we learned as children. We believe we're too skinny or too fat, too tall
or too short, too smart or too stupid, too serious or too frivolous, too
assertive or too helpless, too something.
We may never look at ourselves as we really are, but see ourselves
only through the eyes of the critical adults we knew when we were children.
They may be long gone from our lives, or no longer powerful, these
adults from our child
hoods, but their messages still play in the back.s of our heads.
"I'm stupid." "I'm ugly."
"I'm slow." "I'm lazy." "I'm messy."
"I'm in the way."
"I'm not important." "I don't deserve to be rewarded." "I don't deserve suc"cess." "I don't
deserve to be
loved." "I don't deserve to be happy."
What's sad but true is that
these early messages –even those that
never were true can sometimes be so powerful
that all the credentials, promotions, successes and
compliments in the world can't erase them .from our minds and our
hearts. !
What does help is to
face them squarely - often with the help 'of qualified counselors - then
throw them away, once and for all. They simply aren't true - and never were
What also helps is to look into 'the eyes of the people who love and respect us and listen really listen - to the good
things they say about us. Because the truth is, there never _ was anything
wrong with us when we were little; every
child is
unique and special, acceptable and lovable just the way he or she is.
And when we finally stop believing the old lies' about ourselves that
we were told as children, we'll no
longer turn success away, or hide our smiles,
or' accept abuse, or settle for second best.
We’ll learn instead to love and: cherish and believe in ourselves as
others should have loved and cherished and believed in us when we were
children.
1994 Niki Scott, distributed by Universal
Press Syndicate
WHEN COMPLETE THE