c:\mydocs\esteem3\handouts\horssens.rtf

3/2/02 12A1

A MESSAGE FROM A HORSE WHISPERER

HORSE SENSE FOR PE0PLE by MONTY ROBERTS *

(Recommended reading for understanding the fundamentals of relationships)

In this handout I will just give you an inkling of the valuable lessons humans can learn about relationships form Monty Roberts wisdom.

Monty Roberts was born and raised on his parent’s horse ranch, being in the horse business. His father was a trainer and riding instructor. Monty loved and lived with horses all his life. He was on a horse with his mother shortly after birth, became a riding expert and was in competition by the age of 4 years.

He observed that humans for ages domesticated horses by breaking them, breaking their spirit. Do as I say or I will hurt you. [Humans enslave horses, saying I am your master and you, slave, will do as I say. This has been human’s basic means of training others, including our children.]** In the front of the book is Monty Roberts’ ideas to live by. From these you will see that Mr. Roberts is definitely for non violence. He believes in the power of gentleness, positive action, and trust. And, he says he learned this from listening to horses.

Out on the Nevada desert, watching wild horses, he learned that horses have a clearly defined language to communicate. It was a silent language. When a horse squared up, stood rigid and looked directly into another horse’s eyes it was saying “go away”. They used their ears to point the direction the horse wanted the other to go. Being at a 45 degree angle says you may come back to the herd. There are many motions and gestures, including the use of the lips that are used in their language. A language that Mr. Roberts called Equus. He learned and used that language to communicate with the horse and, to listen to them.

He points out that the horse is the quintessential flight animal. When confronted in a relationship the horse will choose to flee rather than fight. The horse finds safety in numbers and thus prefers being in a herd. If a horse is isolated a predator can attack and take its life. The horse has the limited stamina to swiftly run only for a certain distance and a predator can run it down. A mare is the leader of the herd and disciplines a miss-behaving horse by sending it away from the herd. The horse can only return to the herd when the lead mare communicates so.

From the lessons learned from the horse Mr. Roberts devised the nonviolent training process of developing a relationship or partnership with the horse, a process he terms “Join-Up”. A root principle in the process in one of free choice. He believes that no one is born with the right to dictate you must or I will hurt you to any creature, animal or human, violence is never the answer. Trust is the basis of every moment in the process. In the trust-bases relationship ground rules are established and agreed upon and anyone who enters into one must agree to take responsibility for his actions. Mutual bonding takes place when two develop trust. He points out that the root meaning for trust in German and Scandinavian is comfort and faithful. Trust must be established between the horse and him. Join-Up can’t happen if the horse views him as an untrustworthy leader.

Mr. Roberts does demonstrations, taking an untrained horse into a ring, develop a conversation and relationship with the horse until the horse recognizes that he is not a predator but a protector and will voluntarily “Join-Up” with him as his leader. With patience and reassurance the horse will voluntarily submit to a bridal and saddle. All in the period of time of 30 minutes. He proved that the principles apply even in the wild by cutting a horse from a herd and having the horse “Join-Up” with him for a bridle and saddle, though it took several days.

The environment is set up so that the horse willingly decides for himself to be saddled and ridden. There is no force applied. The horse takes responsibility for his actions and the whole process is more effective, more positive and takes less time than the traditional method used by horsemen.

Mr. Roberts has found that what he has learned about the human relationship with the horse applies to the human-human relationship. The human-human relationship is more complex, being a more complex animal. We can decide either to flee or to fight. We can be predator or prey. This is present in both our personal and our work lives. Our work situation can be one of having to make choices not to our liking, those both unnatural and threatening. [The boss says do it or I will hurt you. Lose favor and no raise. Or you’re demoted. or you are fired. I know the feeling of apprehension when told the boss wants to see me in his office.]** He believes that the work situation can be greatly enhanced through the principles of Join-Up, where creating through communication and behavior, situations where the satisfaction of cooperation outweighs the negative reaction to those unnatural conditions. He feels that humans are not designed to follow strict set of rules, putting our security into the hands of others.

Many horses come to him that have been abused by their handlers. Children that have been abused quickly learn to protect themselves from attacks by adults. They too become flight animals and prepared to run from aggressive behavior whether physical or verbal. A psychological baggage is developed and in order to be rid of the baggage one must go through a new learning process to reestablish trust and confidence in adults. So we see this negative imprinting causes violence to be passed on through families. He too sees the importance of the early time frame impact on childhood and the resulting behavior patterns. He feels horses are easier to read than humans because the horse has no reason to hide their feelings. He has learned through his experience with horses that there is a human-to-animal compatibility never before thought to exist.

Mr. Roberts while attending the university was involved in the study of infants. He was amazed at their awareness and comprehension and how much they and the adult horse have in common. He has interviewed hundred of parents noting how perceptions of parenthood varied greatly. Mostly all felt they were good parents. He often got the response that they make them “toe the line” or you just “spoil them”. He found the good parent responds “I try to be.” He found that the dominating and violent parent, doling out liberal punishment will very often raise a child who is either aggressive or submissive and underachieving. He believes in positive reinforcement when the child does something right.

In chapter eight on Change he notes that “The carrot always works better than the stick”. and on page 208 he talks about the Power of Gentleness. He says we must give up what he calls the “myth of the gentle”. He finds that there is a worldwide belief that equates gentleness with weakness, slowness and lack of discipline. [Note that those who have made the greatest impact on humanity have not used force but were nonviolent promoting compassion.]**

Monty Roberts has the practical experience on raising children. He and his wife Pat have raised three biological children and dozens [75]** of foster children. Mr. Roberts had a great interest in human and animal psychology, and in the mindset of those who made decisions with such wide-ranging and negative sociological implications of violence and war. His father had a traditional harsh treatment both of his horses and with him. In his studies he came to believe that many young parents negatively affected their infants even before they were three months old. His book has excellent information on meeting the needs of the infant and child and how the child is shaped. He sites examples of making agreements with a child that had negative consequences for negative behavior and positive consequences for positive behavior. He feels it is important to always be honest with yourself and with the child. You must stick with the agreement of any discipline. After the discipline you give a hug and show you loved the child enough to help him to learn from a mistake. He gives examples of what the parent does or doesn’t do impacts the future life of the child.

The contracts between the parents and child are written on what he calls contract Blackboards. He sites the example of an eight year old daughter where the largest disagreements in behavior was with minor chores such as brushing teeth, brushing hair, making the bed and doing homework.. She was also unreliable in doing other chores. Dry marker boards and colored markers were purchased. Mother and daughter spent considerable time to set up the contracts. The chores were listed. They listed the negative consequences of chores not done and positive “quality time” for chores done:

§ Responsibilities: Brushing Teeth; Making Bed; Brushing Hair; Breakfast Duties; Getting Ready for School; Clean Horse Stalls. Extras: Laundry; Yard Work.

§ The Negatives ....If Not Done: No Allowance; No TV for the day; Do the dinner dishes.

§ The Positives .....If done: $5 per week or $5 put in the savings account; Pick a movie to watch with the family; Roller skating or quads (four-wheeled drive, all-terrain vehicles; Having a “me” day - choice of activity.

à The chart was adjusted as time went on so that more and more difficult items were introduced along with the bar on the positive side with more positive goals to reach for.

This worked well and improved relationships greatly

In the Appendices he gives examples of contract Blackboards for children six years and under and for teens.

Billy Deane Lilly, Instructor

“Building Self-Esteem”

*Also the author of a memoir, The Man Who Listens to Horses, and an illustrated photo book, Shy Boy.

** included in brackets [.....] are my comments.