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Chapter 6. Hotheads pp. 403
... there is a more subtle way to cheat. A subtle cheater reciprocates
enough to make it worth the altruist's while, but returns less than he is
capable of giving, or less than the altruist would give if the situation were
reversed. That puts the altruist in an awkward position. In one sense she is
being ripped off. But if she insists on equity, the subtle cheater could break
off the relationship altogether. Since half a loaf is better than none, the
altruist is trapped. She does have one kind of leverage, though.
Chapter 7 Family Values pp.506
When it comes to friendship, reciprocal altruism does not ring true. It
would be in questionable taste for a dinner guest to pull out his wallet and
offer to pay the hosts for his dinner. Inviting the hosts back the very next
night would not be much better. Tit-for-tat does not cement a friendship; it
strains it. Nothing can be more awkward for good friends than a business
transaction between them, like the sale of a car. The same is true for one's
best friend in life, a spouse. The couples who keep close track of what each
has done for the other are the couples are the least happy.
Companionate love, the emotion behind close friendship and the enduring
bond of marriage (the love that is neither romantic nor sexual), has a
psychology of its own. Friends or spouses feel as if they are in each other's
debt, but the debts are not measured and the obligation to repay is not onerous
but deeply satisfying. People feel a spontaneous pleasure in helping a friend
or a spouse, without anticipating repayment or regretting the favor if
repayment never comes. Of course, the favors may be tabulated somewhere in the
mind, and if the ledger has become too lopsided, a person might call in the
debt or cut off future credit, that is, end the friendship. But the line of
credit is long and the terms of repayment forgiving. Companionate love, then,
does not literally contradict the theory of reciprocal altruism, but it does
embody an elastic version in which the emotional guarantors -- liking,
sympathy, gratitude, and trust -- are stretched to the limit.
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ps. Many passages or discourses mentioned in this book are more interesting
than above ones. I chose the above as they relate to me a lot more than others.
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