Table of Contents
It's a Blind Fools
SPECIAL REPORT
Yesterday, in the town of Skepticsville, a "freak" occurance caused an uproar among the atheist inhabitants. And then this morning, a similar event took place causing even more tumult and chaos.
According to eyewitnesses, yesterday what appeared to be a large head suddenly appeared floating above the whole town and could be seen for miles around. One resident described the scene as "unbelievable".
Authorities are still collecting accounts from various individuals in order to help determine what really happened here. Two special agents from the FBI have been assigned to this case but were unwilling to give details as to what they've uncovered thus far. But the handsome pouty-lipped male agent claimed he believed that, "It may be the work of aliens."
His female partner retorted, "Get real. Let's just stick to the facts, shall we?" Then they both longingly gazed into each others eyes, but did not kiss.
However, we did corner several witnesses who agreed to be interviewed. Frank, the town's mayor, was in 'Free-Thinkers R Us,' a local book store and novelty shop, when he heard the comotion. Upon walking outside, he noticed what he described as, "a big face staring down at him."
"At first I couldn't focus on it," said Frank. "But then I realized what it was." Frank described the large mug of an elderly gent with long flowing white hair and beaming eyes.
"It was as if I could reach up and stick my hands up its nose," claimed Frank. He later went on to describe how he figured out that it was really far away, but its immense size made it appear to be closer than it actually was. "My brain remembered the warning message on the side-view mirror of my Pontiac and this triggered the critical thinking process of my brain."
Other witnesses described slightly different accounts of what they saw which caused critics to question whether the skeptic's accounts are reliable or not.
One eyewitness claimed to have seen only the back of the head and not the face. Another described what he saw as one giant ear. When asked if anything was in it, he replied, "Nope. It was as clean as a whistle."
Other witnesses had differing stories as well. All those who did not get a clear look at the face said they couldn't believe, on face value, that there was a face because they didn't actually see said face.
However, they all did agree on one thing. Apparantly the apparition "spoke" to them and they all heard the same thing. According to reports it said, "I am the Lord thy God." Even those who do not speak English claim to have understood this.
Critics gesture that this points to "collaboration" and fueled speculation that all this is a hoax set up by the townspeople in order to get publicity for their little community.
Frank does believe that yesterday's event was the product of collaboration, but not of the townsfolk. "As mayor of Skepticsville I can assure you we did not collaborate." Critics asked the mayoral skeptic to prove his statement as true, but he was either unwilling or unable to.
According to Frank, all this was an elaborate hoax on part of 'the church'. "They have been trying to convert us for a long time and will stop at nothing to accomplish this goal."
He went on to give a very detailed account of how this may have been pulled off with mention of low cloud cover, powerful video projection systems and simutaneous radio broadcasts.
Other explanations were less fanciful and ranged from mass hallucinations caused by bad oysters from the annual "Gallapagos Festival" to the whole town going stark raving "mad". One theory, however, was not given any credibility - that it was in fact God himself.
"Absolutely not!" exclaimed Frank. "That's impossible because God does not exist." The rest of the townspeople held the same sentiment. "Besides," he continued, "the Bible says something about God not ever showing his face. So that proves it."
When asked if he indeed viewed the biblical account of God as reliable he flatly denied that accusation. He says he pointed that out to show how the bible is wrong.
When pointed out that it would only prove the bible to be wrong if it was indeed God's face that appeared yestereday, mayor Frank told us to stop twisting his words and then called off the press conference.
That was yesterday. Today an appearance allegedly happened again at the same time and same place. This time was a little different, however.
The vision earlier today was not like yesterday's in that all you could see, from any angle, was the face. No back side. No ear. Just face.
This caused mass confusion on part of the inhabitants. Others viewed the two events as related, others did not. Critics once again were skeptical of the skeptics' allegations.
"Obviously this time people were expecting to see the vision, so they all saw what they wanted to," said one critic. But shortly after this statement, photographs and video of the "event' started pouring in - and this altered the critics' critiques of what actually went down.
"It's all so obvious now," said the previous critic. "Without a doubt this is collaboration yet again."
He went on to point out that every photograph had the same exact angle of the same exact face only on different backgrounds. He claims that it stinks of computerized cloning which can easily be done these days on photographic stills and video using cheap over-the-counter software.
Actual unretouched photo of 2nd day occurance.
Meanwhile another group of skeptics, all in their late teens and early twenties, began to voice their opinions to the media. "At first we thought that if this were really God, he would have shown his whole body," stated one young man. The elder residents applauded the teen free-thinkers' free thinking.
"But," interjected another young female, "we realized that at the current proportion indicated in the accounts, his head would have been in outer space, therefore not visually confirmable as to what it actually was."
Another gen-Xer continued, "So we have decided that it would be best for god, if he did exist, to show up at a reasonable size so that we could see all of him and maybe touch him. He would also be the wisest there ever was and perform some miracles right before our very eyes so that we could know he was actually (a) god."
The group of young skeptics were immediately whisked away by the elders to undergo emergency counseling.
Then more reports came in suggesting that there was further communication from the big face. They all claimed that it said, "I am the Lord thy God. I suspended the rule of not revealing myself in order to show that even in the face of a great miracle, there are those who will not believe."
Suspicion quickly diverted back to the "church" as being the genesis of these fraudulent appearances. But the fact that the town skeptics had taken photos that all looked alike stirred the pot of confusion. More reports of the big face talking trickled in.
"I am the Lord thy God. This time I have shown my face to all in order that there may not be one in skepticsville who is with excuse."
You would have thought that this would have strengthened the "church conspiracy" argument with the critics, but actually the reverse is what happened.
The previous critic now said he was back to believing that the town skeptics were creating this illusion. "It's too neat and tidy," he claimed. "It's now obvious that the town skeptics have put all this on in order to hurt the "church". We all now how they despise Christians anyway."
Mayor Frank jumped in in protest claiming that the critic's claim was an outrage and that he had better show some proof. The critic said that the proof was right in front of Frank's face - just that Frank was not willing to see it. This made Frank even furiouser.
When asked about his religious beliefs, the critic claimed to be an agnostic. He went on to say that his not really making a decision on the whole matter of god's existence made him unbiased which qualified him to best judge the event at hand.
And based on the evidence it was evident, according to this critic, that the skeptics were up to no good.
Frank protested again except much more loudly. This started a spirited debate among several people with raised voices getting louder and louder. This went on for about fifteen minutes when the door slowly creaked open. Light peeked through which brought the verbal fight to a halt.
In walked a little girl. Frank recognized the young child as Cindy Lou - little Cindy Lou Hoo who lived just outside of Skepticsville. "What are you arguing about?" she asked in her sweet little voice.
Mayor Frank answered, "Why we believe that the appearance in our town is not god."
"Oh, I believe in God," she answered back.
"Why?"
"Because the Bible tells me so."
"GET REAL. LET'S JUST STICK TO THE FACTS, SHALL WE?!" they all shouted.
Little Cindy Lou Hoo went on trying to show them how the Bible is reliable, but they kicked her out quoting some bylaw stating that non-skeptics weren't qualified to teach on the subject within city limits.
Other parties kept discussing the subject with each individual giving his/her own mortal opinion on how God should show himself to everybody in the world throught all of human history.
Some claimed He should show Himself at least once a year on the same day so that people could prepare for the visitation. Others wanted a daily briefing from said diety.
But this was rejected on the grounds that such a regular occurance would hint at natural causes, such as comet fly-bys, seasonal changes, sun rises & sunsets, etc.
Another wanted God to show himself to each individual at a certain age, but couldn't propose a "perfect" age in which to do so.
Too young, and the person wouldn't understand or it would be attributed to youthful imagination. Too old, and it would be attributed to brain degradation or fear of dying.
Middle agers would have their problems too. Would the sightings be due to working stress, drug use, peer pressure, mental illness, wishful thinking, etc.?
And where would the sightings occur? In public or in private? In someone's bedroom? At their birthday party? In a field or stadium or on top of a mountain?
Still others questioned whether reports of such sightings would make a difference seeing as how all religion is bunk anyway, but that there are billions of people throughout history who report that it is real.
How could you tell the difference from fact or fiction, they asked, seing that the myth of religion (as well as UFO, Big Foot, and crop circle sightings) has so many witnesses as well?
Then it was suggested that God could leave evidence of Himself in His creation, throughout human history with a written record, and within each individual's conscience resulting in individual having the confidence that they know - that they know - that they know that He exists.
But the person suggesting this was quickly identified as an earlier gen-Xer who had escaped from emergency counseling.
She was "escorted" back to class for a refresher course in skepticology.
And so the debate raged on . . .
And on . . .
And on . . .
Meanwhile on her way home, the big face winked at little Cindy Lou Hoo and she waved back as she skipped on down the narrow road leading out of Skepticsville.
