How do you say goodbye to a friend who's been in your life, through good times and bad? How do you believe that this person will never come back? It is so hard to even comprehend the meaning of death. Every day I wait for Christina to be present in my life once more, when we all know that she's gone. The process of convincing myself that this great friend of mine is no longer here on earth will be a difficult one. It's like a dream world that I'm living in now, where everything has gone bleak and surreal. I wish that our reality is only a nightmare, and my dreams are reality. Yesterday I walked over to German Mills, where Christina and I went for elementary school, and I felt her presence around me. I know that she was there, and that makes reality so much harder to grasp. Christina was by my side, and in some ways I think she still is. She continuously shows me miracles that would otherwise be impossible to be a coincidence. Today when I woke up, and turned on the televison, right then and there was a program on teenage suicide. There were many other miracles then the last. This proves to me that she has finally earned her wings and that she's watching over us all. This puts a kind of warmth in my heart that is undescribable. Though, I still can't believe that she has really died. I cannot believe that a person who has been in and out of my life for the past thirteen years will no longer be smiling or yelling at me. I ask myself why these things happen, why suicides occur? The only answer I have for myself is, just because. Because we are all facing extensive problems, adult problems, adult lives. To deal with these kinds of things at such a young and delicate age is dangerous. Our lives have been scarred at no fault of one person, but that of the whole society. Perhaps, the most important thing that I have learned from Christina's tragedy is that we have to do something about this problem. That we must learn to love and cherish each and everyone around us. That we must educate our children so that the hate, and pressure that we all feel can be in control. This should be learned by both young and old. We should realize that Christina taught us a lesson, and that instead of forgetting and moving on, remember and act on her teachings. She wasn't even eighteen yet, but she is probably the brightness person I have ever had the pleasure to know. Christina reminded me something I have forgotten, how to love again. For the past year I have concentrated and devoted my life to school once more, but now I'm taking the time to look around me and all that I have to live for. If no one can understand the space, I need so be it. I feel the pressure of school on my shoulders right now, but I don't care, I care about taking the time and saying goodbye to Christina. I know that my goodbye would not last long because she will always be in my life, walking beside me, giving me hugs and miracles whenever I need to be reminded that she is watching over us all. Christina, I will never truly say goodbye to you, because I know that even though you have past away, your spirit lives on.

Copyright 2000