Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss.... a few problems."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Sigh.. Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it keeps running. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will all this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready for release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

HoneyHoney's Country Girl Hullaballoo
http://www.oocities.org/bornhoney/

Bill Gates is considered one of the best known people on earth, but few people realize that he is no longer actually on earth. When the heat got intense from multiple delays to the release of Windows '95, he decided the pressure was no longer worth it and that he had to escape. The entity known as Bill Gates is actually a state-of-the-art holograph, a three-dimensional virtual Bill! Here's what happened when he approached heaven.

St. Peter: "Who goes there?"

Bill Gates: "I am Bill Gates. Hey I own this place. See my name on that sign? What's with that cheap "Pearly" stuff. "Golden Gates" is already taken. Hmm, how about "Platinum Gates"?

St. Peter: "That sign's not about you! I'm not even sure you belong here. Sure, you made major advances in software design, made computers popular and gave away a lot of computers to poor schools and libraries. Of course you were rewarded for that at tax time. The people who started out with you became very wealthy, but wealth rarely brings out the best in people. Then there is how you treated employees like microserfs, your ruthless, cutthroat approach to business, your greed and arrogance. And that ghastly Windows '95 you created and marketed! Frankly, I don't know what to do, so I will give you a choice between heaven and hell."

Bill Gates replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill Gates, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women, ones that had turned Bill down when he asked them out in high school. The ladies were running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about the lawns of beautiful mansions. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

St. Peter: "And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."

Gates: "Shazam! This is all virtual, isn't it??"

St Peter: "Yep. With no bugs."

Gates: "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

St. Peter: (makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"


Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

Gates: "Hey what the hell is going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?"

St Peter: "Oh, that was just the demo..."

HoneyHoney's Country Girl Hullaballo
http://www.oocities.org/bornhoney/