Bill Gates is considered one of the best known people on earth, but few people realize that he is no longer actually on earth. When the heat got intense from multiple delays to the release of Windows '95, he decided the pressure was no longer worth it and that he had to escape. The entity known as Bill Gates is actually a state-of-the-art holograph, a three-dimensional virtual Bill! Here's what happened when he approached heaven.

St. Peter: "Who goes there?"

Bill Gates: "I am Bill Gates. Hey I own this place. See my name on that sign? What's with that cheap "Pearly" stuff. "Golden Gates" is already taken. Hmm, how about "Platinum Gates"?

St. Peter: "That sign's not about you! I'm not even sure you belong here. Sure, you made major advances in software design, made computers popular and gave away a lot of computers to poor schools and libraries. Of course you were rewarded for that at tax time. The people who started out with you became very wealthy, but wealth rarely brings out the best in people. Then there is how you treated employees like microserfs, your ruthless, cutthroat approach to business, your greed and arrogance. And that ghastly Windows '95 you created and marketed! Frankly, I don't know what to do, so I will give you a choice between heaven and hell."

Bill Gates replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill Gates, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women, ones that had turned Bill down when he asked them out in high school. The ladies were running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about the lawns of beautiful mansions. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

St. Peter: "And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."

Gates: "Shazam! This is all virtual, isn't it??"

St Peter: "Yep. With no bugs."

Gates: "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

St. Peter: (makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"


Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

Gates: "Hey what the hell is going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?"

St Peter: "Oh, that was just the demo..."

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