Thank you for calling Rapson Psychiatric Services . . .

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
• If you have a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you have an inferiority complex, please press 0, now.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, so just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, the little voice in your head will tell you what number to push.
• If you suffer from depression, it doesn't matter what number you press. Nobody will answer.
• If you have attention deficit disorder, you
• If you have a post-traumatic stress disorder, any number you press will be wrong.
• If you are narcissistic, press the star key.
• If you suffer from a sexual dysfunction, press 9 6.
• If you have impulse control disorder, please throw the phone, now.
• If you have an eating disorder, please press the pound key.
• If you struggle with ambivalence, maybe you should press 4, or maybe 5, or maybe you shouldn't have called at all.

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