The 12 Days Of Christmas On The Bayou

  1. Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
  2. Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle dove, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo outta dem.
  3. Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem damn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Marie needed some sparing partners for her fighting rooster.
  4. Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "Calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem  all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
  5. Dear Boudreaux, You finally sent somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
  6. Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck outta his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
  7. Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring you fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to keel you too. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water! Talk to you tomorrow.
  8. Dear Boudreaux, Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think they to good ta skin da nutrias I caught las night.
  9. Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, *Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin.* Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
  10. Dear Boudreaux, You got to be out you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sho. Today he deliver 10 half nekid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be *Ladies Dancin* but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity lord's royal behin.
  11. Dear Boudreaux, Where Y'at. Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11  pipers piping arrive today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed snuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies.  Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it no!
  12. Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love no more, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman club on de  bayou. The floozies, pardon me, ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem to set my crab trap,  watch my trotline, an run my shrimp business. We will probably gross a million clams nex year.

MARY CHRISTMAS


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