DIARY TO MY MOM

09/13/04: Today, mom, you helplessly left this world, and it is a pain I cannot bear. I never got to say goodbye, and I feel so terribly lost. I just can't imagine my life without you here--I never could. I remember when you'd try to talk to me about "the end," and I'd close my ears to it. I did not want to hear it, and here I was today facing the cold hard facts that you had left me :-( I just keep asking why, and I have no answers. There is too much mystery, too much suspicion, and too much pain. It's unreal! Making the funeral arrangements and all was like a bad dream, and I wasn't really there. I just keep telling myself this did not happen!

09/14/04: I couldn't sleep last night, so Tony and I spent hours talking, and just when I finally went to sleep, I had this nightmare about you and the "white things" carrying you towards me, while you begged me to help you. I didn't understand this, except that I knew you were telling me something was wrong and that you were not ready to go. If only you could "wake up" and talk to me for real and tell me what really happened..... All I can do is use my brain to make an educated guess as to what went on that fateful night when you fell and yesterday morning when you died :-( I know spiritually, you were ready to go, but it was not your time physically. I keep seeing you last Tuesday and how beautiful you were, all glowing and radiant. I fear I will never have all the answers, which means I can never let this go :-( Going to the funeral home this morning was surreal. We got cheated out of our family hour with you, too, and that is another thing we have no answer to. All I'll say is HOW RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL to be 45 minutes late to a one-hour family viewing. I was so hurt over that, as it was a slap in your face! I had to force myself in the stateroom, and I did it with my eyes closed for a time. When I finally got brave enough to look, you were so beautiful, but it hurt so much! More than words could ever say! Monsignor held a service first, but I don't remember it, as I was crying way too hard to listen. Tony and I stood there and held each other tight! I saw so many people that we hadn't seen in forever, and I'd immediately say, "Let me get mama" or "let me go tell mama." Then it would hit me, I can't :-( The day was very long and busy. I could barely talk to one person before someone called my name, and off I'd go to them. It made me realize I was the "older person in the family" now, and that was a reality I didn't want to face. The service tonight was beautiful, though. I'm sorry I couldn't read the eulogy I wrote for you. I wish I had been strong enough to do so, but....I'm not very strong. It was beautiful, though, and touched more people than I realized. I hope you approved! I was so overwhelmed by all the friends and family who came to pay their respect and by the flowers and food sent in. Leaving you there alone was not something I wanted to do, but we had to. That was just not right, but.....times have changed, and staying with our lost loved one just doesn't happen anymore. Tony and I spent countless time on the phone again tonight.

09/15/04: I didn't have any bad dreams last night, and I realized those white things were angels that had come to take you "home" and you were begging me for help cause you didn't want to go. I knew today was going to be hard, but I really had no concept just how hard. I spent a lot of my time right by you, talking to you and explaining how I was sorry that I couldn't help you now and that you had to go with the angels. How I wish your cry for help had come sooner...Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or even Sunday! How I wish you would have told me everything about what happened to you and not half-way tell me. You gave me a sense of peace after our long talk, though. I'm sorry I told you I'd be okay when you said you were worried about me. I had to lie so you'd be at peace, but I think you knew I'd never be okay again. It was so different when daddy died. His death was a release from all the pain and suffering, and it was a comfort to us knowing that he was not suffering any longer. I have absolutely no comfort this time unless I believe that your death was very quick and you never knew what happened. I don't really know what happened for sure that morning, but I want to believe you felt no pain. God, I hope you felt nothing. You did not deserve to die this way--way before your time and so needlessly. Yes, I'm mad, and rightfully so, but I'm not mad at you--you had no choice in this, and I'm not mad at God, cause I feel He had no choice, either (He was forced to take you). Who do I direct my anger towards? I haven't fully figured that out yet, but.....in due time! I think I know what really happened, and I will make it my business to find out for sure. I only wish to hell and back that you had told me the truth and asked me to help you BEFORE your tragic death. I can never hear your side of what happened now and can only assume things from what you did tell me. The day went by way too fast, and it was time to go to the church way too soon. Radona drove us in my van with me and Tony in the middle seat and our three youngest girls in the back, and we cut up like two little kids to keep from falling apart. The procession to and fro was beyond touching, and you would have been so honored and proud. The church service was beyond beautiful and touching, too. It was all very surreal! When we arrived at the cemetery, I pretty much lost touch and don't remember much at all. We all went to back to the funeral home--well most of us did, while some went elsewhere, like your husband went to Burger King like nothing had happened.  I was appalled over that! The kids and I came home for a time, but I couldn't stay. I went back to the cemetery! Tony and I stayed on the phone again that night.

09/16/04: I don't remember much about this day at all. I did call Aunt Jean and talked to her, and I will never forget the last words she told me, "Don't forget us." How could I ever forget them?! That hurt my heart even more! The ironic thing is that Tony and I had just talked about hoping they wouldn't forget us, and I told her so. I tried to focus on work that afternoon, but I didn't do well at all. It was all a bad nightmare. I didn't hear from Tony that night, and I felt so lost and lonely. Then, I remembered he had to get his shots that day.

09/17/04: Again, I don't remember much about this day. Tony called a few times, and I tried to work again, but I didn't get much done. I just couldn't concentrate on anything other than you!!!!!

09/18/04/09/19/04: I had to work the middle shift, and it was rough. Alvin dropped by on Sunday and brought me your grandmother's sweatshirt that I gave you last birthday, and I just held it and cried. It was still unwashed, and I was glad--it smelled like the Fifth Avenue I gave you for Mother's Day. I have it all folded and bagged up to preserve it just as it is. I was told right there in my kitchen that he didn't know what happened to you--how you got out of bed that horrible night, how you fell, or who picked you up off the floor. The nurses had already told me they didn't know you had fallen till the next day. So, somebody had to take you there, let you fall, pick you up, and get you back to bed. I will find out the truth! He also brought your grandmother's ring to give to Daryth. I held it, put it on my finger, and cried like a fool! I told Daryth to treasure it forever! I asked about your earrings that I had given you (the only ones you ever could wear in your ears), and I was told he had them but didn't know where they were.

10/20/05:  I found this tonight in my files and had totally forgotten I ever wrote it.  I just sat here and cried so hard.  I can't believe I just put it aside and forgot about it.  So much has gone on in the past year, and each passing day gets harder and harder to swallow the cold hard fact that you are gone now.  Time does not heal all wounds, and it hurts more and more.  I still don't have the concrete answers I need, so I'm still guessing why you are dead.  The pain is unbearable!  That piece of scum you married has been a real trip during the past few months.  I always knew he was dowright dirty, and he proved that with his actions before and after you died.  I won't even go into what happened after since there is no point in discussing it, and it only makes me mad.  I'm just so grateful that you and I had that long talk about him and his actions in the hospital before you fell and that you knew what happened.  How I miss you so!  I really need my mama, and you're not here in body anymore.  I talk to you all the time in spirit and only hope that you can hear me and see what is going on.  You have a new great-grandson coming soon from Radona, and it breaks my heart that you will never know him or him know you like Taylor and Collin.  They both talk about "granny" all the time, and I'm grateful they got to know you and remember you!!!!  I finally got most of your possessions back home after a long battle with that scumbucket.  Some things are still missing, though.  I hope you aren't upset that I sold the land afterall.  I remember you telling me "no matter what, do not sell the land."  It hurt like hell to let it all go, but I wanted no part of that piece of trash anymore, and Tony and I agreed to settle the "estate" and sign over the land to him.  He tried to give us the shaft on the "estate," as well, but I called his bluff real quick.  He was double-dipping on credit card fees and other crap he made up.  He also tried to shaft us on the land, claiming you owned the back half that was nothing but trees.  He was pretty upset when he learned that we were needing a new appraisal on the whole amount of land and not take his word on half of it.  When the lawyer (your lawyer) demanded he prove each expense on the cards and wanted an appraisal of land, he quickly settled with us without further question.  He knew he was caught!  What a piece of trash!  Once that was signed and all, I never heard from him or saw him again until a week or so ago when he passed by here with a woman in YOUR car (to see the damages around here from the hurricane).  If only you could have seen down here what happened at your funeral.  In ways, I hope you were able to see it, and in other ways, I hope not so it didn't hurt you.  Mom, the piece of trash was soliciting someone at your funeral :-(  If you saw, you know who it was, and that, in and of itself, was sickening.  She gave him his just dues, however, later on.  I gotta tell you how I had put so many flowers and even solar lamps at your gravesites, and someone had the audacity to come along and steal them all, and then the hurricane blew what was left away.  I don't go to that place often, cause I can't handle it, and seeing that last name on your headstone kills me.  I made a huge mistake not putting Lavergne on there which is what my heart told me to do.  Legally, however, you were that other name when you left this world, and I felt that was the right thing to do no matter what my heart said.  Oh, that was another fight I had with the scum.  He demanded I put HIS picture on your headstone.  OHMYGOD!  I came unglued over that.  There is no way in hell I would have allowed that.  It's bad enough that his last name is on there.  I hate him so much for what he has done to you.  I let him know in no uncertain terms that, if any man's picture was to go on your headstone, it would be daddy's!  He didn't like that too much!  I hope you are reunited with daddy, Antoinette, mawmaw, pawpaw, and everyone else who has gone now.  I just don't know what to really believe about the afterlife.  I'm going to stop here for now and may write more again in the future.  I just had to add to it and post it since I wrote it to begin with.  It's still all like a bad dream, and I keep waiting for you to call or come by.  The reality is that it never happens :-(  I love you, mom!

01/15/08:  Time does not stand still, and here I find myself three years now without you.  We had a major hurricane hit us hard two years ago and then another one hit just a few months ago.  It's like we have impending doom all around us.  You have two beautiful new great-grandbabies, Brayden and Kyleigh, that you will never know, both from Radona.  She and James will be getting married in a couple of months, too, and she plans to honor you in some way at the service.  Daryth is engaged, but I don't know for how long.  He seems like a nice guy, though.  And, my goodness, your grandson is all grown up now and working for the city.  He has a really sweet girlfriend named Summer, and it looks like they will be getting married eventually.  Amity's still short as ever but is almost 16 now.  Holli's bigger than she is.  And, Taylor and Collin are both getting so big.  It's unreal how much you have missed here.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you a few million times and/or don't cry a few gazllion tears.  I'll never accept that you left us, and I'll never understand why it happened.  It hurts too much...way too much.  I wish you were here!!!!!!