HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1997 to 2 Apr 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 644 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Women and Sex <Adult Humor>
  2. A coupla' cool lists... (mildly offcolor language)
  3. Computer-related Diseases <clean>
  4. Cannibal Jokes
  5. The Way To Success <adult>
  6. As April 15th rolls around (off to tax collectors and the IRS)
  7. Unanswered questions
  8. Humor: Breaking up by major
  9. Weird Business News
 10. HUMOR: Job opening
 11. A strange add (potentially offensive to almost everybody)
 12. humor: classic: Who's The Boss (lang)
 13. Carribbean Fun
 14. HUMOR - A bee line, clean (uses SOB)
 15. RISKS DIGEST 19.02
 16. Autos!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 03:18:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women and Sex <Adult Humor>

*    A group of refugees from Europe arrived in Columbia, Maryland and
  were taken to the Mall to be "adopted" by the local Yuppies.  One
  Yuppette pointed to a man and woman and said, "You two come with me."
     Arriving at her home, she showed them to a guest bedroom and
  told them they would sleep there.
     A little later, the woman came down and said, "I think you good
  person...  Very nice lady...  But please me this nice Lady... Who
  old man I sleeping with ?"
                                - - - - -

*    A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together,
  "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some lovin' tonite."
     The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all
  with his wife replies, "An elephant".
     The wife sez "That's close enough!"
                                - - - - -

* After thirty some years of marriage, my wife and I have achieved total
  sexual compatibility.  Now at nite, we both have headaches.
                                - - - - -

* I saw this sweet young thang in a local bar I really wanted to have. I
  approached her with a tried and tested "line" that all I wanted was some
  "old fashioned" lovin'.  She took me home with her and introduced me to
  her GrandMother.
                                - - - - -

* My neighbor claims his wife is damn near a "Woman for all Seasons".  He
  sez there's winter in her hair, summer in her heart, fall in various
  and sundry bodily parts but no spring in her ass.
                                - - - - -

* Let me assure y'all that sex over sixty can indeed be both deadly and
  very dangerous.  I strongly recommend pulling over to the curb first !

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 12:23:47 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A coupla' cool lists... (mildly offcolor language)

The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 means that all company cars
will now be of German Origin.  To this end the company has produced the
following list of GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES:

1.  Die BlinkenLeitein Tickentocken = Indicators
2.  PullKnob und KnuckleChoppen = Bonnet
3.  Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4.  Das Kulink mit Schlippenund Shaken = Clutch
5.  Der Phlatt mit Bloodyfukken = Puncture
6.  Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner Driver
7.  Das Bagsaroomfurschagginkin = Estate Car
8.  Der flippenFlappenschitspreader = Windscreen Wipers
9.  Der KlunkenKlinkenfrauleintrappen = Seat Belt
10.  Das Buch fur Arsewipen = Highway Code
11.  Die DippenuntDazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12.  Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13.  Der Fukkengratetrucken = Lorry
14.  Der Bananawaltzen = Skid
15.  Das Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near Accident

The Company hopes that all drivers will find this information of use.
--------------------
courtesy of Faith Bernards <BFAITH@GENTRY.CLEMSON.EDU>
If you're really bored you might start to merge the names of musicals and
plays to create such gems as:
     Gandhi with the Wind
     Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof
     Damn Yankees in King Arthur's Court
     Dr. Who's on First
     Moby Dick Tracy
     Full House on the Prairie
     What's Up, Doctor Zhivago?
     Total Recall of the Wild
     2001 Leagues under the Sea: A Space Odyssey
     The Best Little Shop of Horrors in Texas
     Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte's Web
     An Officer and a Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
     The Point of No Return of the Jedi
     Long Day's Journey Into a Hard Day's Night
     Little Orphan Annie, Get Your Gun
     Sunshine Boyz in the Hood
     Robin Hood: Prince of Tides
     H.M.S. Pinafour Weddings and a Funeral
     Planet of the Apes of Wrath
     Raisin in the Empire of the Sun
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 13:49:17 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Computer-related Diseases <clean>

Some Names For New Computer-related Diseases:

9.  Version1itis. Symptoms: A fear of anything called version 1.0.
8.  Zmodemphobia. Symptoms: A fear of new Zmodem updates.
7.  Lamerphobia. Symptoms: A Sysop begins to fear that lamers are
    haunting his board.
6.  Mouseitis. Symptoms: Sore wrist due to excessive mouse usage.
5.  Windows95phasia. Symptoms: An inability to resist using Windows95
    even though common sense tells you it'll turn your Pentium into an XT.
4.  Snowballitis. When you think it's funny to post 2,000 lines of
    ASCII snowballs to HUMOR.
3.  Signaturitis. An uncontrollable urge to add your signature, after you
    posted something to HUMOR.
2.  Asciiarthritis. The warped belief that your posting to HUMOR is not
    complete, if you do not add a 57-lines ASCII art.
1.  Olduploadmania. When you are unable to resist the urge to repost
    old jokes to HUMOR.

The last three diseases are very painful to the reader, NOT the poster,
which somehow explains their contagious spread.
Dr. Randall can effectively cure diseases No. 3 and 2. As for No. 1,
in spite of his relentless, and indeed admirable, efforts, only the
symptoms can be addressed, as there is no known cure yet.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 20:37:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Cannibal Jokes

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a
pizza with everybody on it.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for
buttering up his teacher?

Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy.

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate
my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating
yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals.
There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal
asked, "How come politicians cost so much?" The chief answered, "Do
you know how hard it is to clean one of those?"

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with
spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy
calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me,
but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

---
And what are cat diapers called? PamPurrs?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 18:03:17 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Way To Success <adult>

        Well,Jack finally managed to get to heaven.
        And what should he see but a ladder going up..

        Up on the first landing Jack saw a beautiful woman naked as well.
        "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success",she says.

        Well,Jack ain't that bit dumb so he climbs the ladder.

        Second landing he meets a more beautful woman and she says:
        "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success".

        Jack thinks over and thinks there could be a better woman still.
        Up goes Jack,up the ladder.

        Third landing and it's a woman people would die for,totally naked.
        "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success",she says.
        But our Jack is a good judge.He goes up the ladder.

        Final landing:Now here lies the most wretched,grotesque looking
        man anybody could lay their eyes upon.Jack is bewildered.

        "Who are you?",asks Jack.

        Comes the reply."Hi!I'm Cess!".

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 07:38:33 -0500
From:    Janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: As April 15th rolls around (off to tax collectors and the IRS)

(Sung to the tune of "It came upon a midnight clear")

The come on April 15th dear,
To take away our gold.
Tax men unmoved by plea or tear,
It makes your blood run cold.

Oh income tax! You break our backs,
The government takes all.
A thief by any other name
Would never have such gall.

(And from the other side of the Atlantic comes the following little
thought-provoking item:)

Last year 26 Russian tax collectors were killed and 74 injured in the course
of their work, six were kidnapped and 41 had their homes burnt down.

{The Economist, February 22nd 1997, p 98}

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 10:13:18 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Unanswered questions

The following taken from THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER, to which they were submitted
originally by Julie Steinbach.  No copyrt infringement.

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why do they lock gas station [bathrooms]--afraid someone will clean them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why are they called one-night *stands* when the participants are usually
lying down?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 10:20:45 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Breaking up by major

Breaking Up By Major

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God

ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to
dig it up.

THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an
end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and
that it's simply cheaper to be single.

ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other
party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with
introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really
say anything substantively intelligible.

EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard
drive was more like a floppy."

E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and
negatives, but..." [okay, yes, I know you're groaning ;-)]

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"

PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the
breakup, are they really single?

ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated
communication skills.

PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.

CHEMISTRY: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.

COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"

MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a country song) to
express his or her sorrow.

LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 11:10:50 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News

JIM BARLOW -- Houston Chronicle (c) -- Writes:

 Really, no foolin', this stuff is weird.

 Since this is April Fools' Day, what better time for yet another
installment of Weird Business News?

 Yep, time for another look at the sometimes wacky world of commerce.

 ABC Namebank, a New York City firm that helps businesses come up with
suitably salable company names, took a look at popular nomenclature for
firms on the World Wide Web.

 The No. 1 Internet company name included the word "web." There were 8,783
names such as Webtron,USWeb and Webtech. Next came "link" -- 7,901 examples
such as Linknet and Worldlink.

 Other popular key naming words include: first, 5,384; net, 4,426; data,
3,335; view, 2,815 and media, 1,254.

 So obviously my new Internet business will be named Firstview Datalink
Mediaweb.

 Our Worst Food Idea Award goes to Einstein Brothers Bagels, which for
St. Patrick's Day sold green bagels at its 225 stores. Here's my green
bagel. Now pass me some of that black cream cheese.

 Our Stop the Presses Award goes to Delta Dental Plan of Minnesota, which
-- after an extensive survey -- reported that the going rate the Tooth
Fairy is paying for a baby tooth is $1.40. That was up 9 percent over 1996,
more than three times the rate of inflation.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 13:01:29 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: HUMOR: Job opening

Job opening

Available immediately.

Some 39  positions at Higher Source, a web site development and
production house.  Our business has really taken off like a comet and we
now have quite a few positions to fill.

The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for
over 20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree
of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort.
We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a
project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this
attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and
quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and
creativity, have helped us provide advanced solutions at highly
competitive rates.

Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide
excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place.  In fact all of
our employees have recently been promoted.

We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, apple sauce and
vodka. You must supply your own Phenobarbitol.  Every employee is
issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear.
Free haircuts too.  Some surgery may be required for male recruits.

No experience is necessary.  We will train you to work and think within
our business model.  ID is required.  Abduction experiences a plus.

We are looking for real team players!

Please send resumes to bunchawackos@highersource.com.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 16:17:54 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: A strange add (potentially offensive to almost everybody)

According with the original sender, this showed up as a true real estate
rental add that appeared on a newspaper in 1979:

2 BDRM.  house: with   fireplace, garage. work  shop  &  large yard. $200
per  month.   No children, no pets, no smokers, no  drinkers, no drugs, no
gays, & no freethinkers; no  Buddhists,  no  Baptists,   no Moonies, no
Junies, no Communists sympathizers,  room  deodorizers, nor tranquilizers;
no creeps,  no punks,  no  fools,  no losers,  no onions & hold the  mayo.
In  fact, never  mind...I'm going to sell the property & move to Denver or
India or some place.  ( And no musicians.)
___________________________________________
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 23:18:05 -0600
From:    Lawrence <n9tog@WWA.COM>
Subject: humor: classic: Who's The Boss (lang)

                      WHO'S BOSS?

When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over
who would be the Boss.

The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of
the body, he should be Boss.

The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he
wanted to go, he should be the Boss.

The Stomach countered  with the explanation that since he
digested all the food, he should be the boss.

The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so
they should be Boss.

Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job.  The other parts of
the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and
closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly,
the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to
see.

They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.

This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...

Just an asshole!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 18:11:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Carribbean Fun

Far away in the tropical waters of the Carribbean, two prawns swiming
around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.
Prawns were constantly being harried and threathened by sharks that
patrolled the area.

Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated being a prawn I
wish I was a shark, I wouldnt have any worries about being eaten
then".

Later, in a tropical storm, a flash of lighting and at the very moment
his mind was on becoming a predator, Justin turns into a shark.
Horrified Christian swims away afraid of being eaten.

Ten years passed, war came too fast .....(er... wrong story, back to
the plot, bored yet?), Anyway, time went on and Justin finds he is
getting lonely being a shark.  All his old mates just swim away when
he gets close, Justin hardly realising his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight.

In the next year of tropical storms, he thinks that the same lightning
force could change him back.  Lightnening never strikes twice, except
in stories like these.  Thinking "I wish I was a prawn" a simultaneous
flash of lighting strikes him and he turns back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his little tiny eyes he swims to his old friends
and buys them all a cocktail.  Looking around the gathering on the
reef he looks for his old pal.  "Wheres Christian?", he asks.  They
reply that he's at home, distraught that his best friend had turned
sides and become his enemy.

Eager to put things straight again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he sets out to Christian's house.  As he opens the coral
gate, the memories come flooding back.  He bangs on the door and
shouts; "Its me Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".

To which Christian replies; "No way man, you'll eat me, your a shark,
I will not be tricked".

Justin cries back "no I'm not, that was the old me, I've
changed..............

I'm a prawn again Christian!!"

---
Mirth Control:  Proper use of a conundrum.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 21:39:10 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: HUMOR - A bee line, clean (uses SOB)

>From Pacific Flyer

This is a story about the bee,
Its sex is very hard to see,
But she can tell and so can he.
Now the bee is never still,
It has no time to take the pill,
And that is why in times like these
there are so many sons of bees.

Ed Lambert (elambert@ix.netcom.com)
Don't bum me down with your jive, man

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 05:51:30 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: RISKS DIGEST 19.02

For an April Fool edition of this visit the comp.risk newsgroup and
look for this digest.
I cannot forward the item since it is pretty large.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 15:34:01 +0300
From:    DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD <s945986@DPC.KFUPM.EDU.SA>
Subject: Autos!

Hello, afriend of mine sent me this... Please accept my apology if it was
published before.

      Automobile Acronyms
      ====================
      AUDI
      Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
      Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

      BMW
      Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
      Big Money Works
      Bought My Wife
      Brutal Money Waster

      BUICK
      Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

      CHEVROLET
      Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
      Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

      DODGE
      Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
      Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

      FIAT
      Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
      Fix It All the Time
      Fix it again, Tony!

      FORD
      backwards --   Driver Returns On Foot
      First On Recall Day
      First On Rust and Deterioration
      Fix Or Repair Daily
      Found On Road, Dead
      Fault Of R&D
      Fast Only Rolling Downhill
      Features O.J. and Ron's DNA

      GM
      General Maintenance

      GMC
      Garage Man's Companion
      Gotta Mechanic Coming?

      HONDA
      Had One Never Did Again

      HYUNDAI
      Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

      MAZDA
      Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

      OLDSMOBILE
      Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
           Infuriatingly Late Everyday
      Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's
           Irregular Leftover Equipment

      SAAB
      Send Another Automobile Back
      Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

      TOYOTA
      Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

      VOLVO
      Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

      VW
      Virtually Worthless

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Apr 1997 to 2 Apr 1997
**********************************************
