HUMOR Digest - 28 Nov 1997 to 29 Nov 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 643 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Language Barriers
  2. Various (off to wives & blind people)
  3. Little Johnny and INXS ("S" word/off. to INXS fans)
  4. Thank you Teacher (Adult)
  5. Humor - Texas Folklore (2nd of 2)
  6. JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: Businessmen and Businesswes
  7. A Day In The Life Of A Farmer
  8. Martha Steward Holiday Calendar (fwd)
  9. Widsom from Ask the Infinity Ball
 10. Turkey Day at the Coles - No bad words, but this should offend just about
     everyone!
 11. Hey you... Out of the Gene Pool! (pt 1)
 12. JOKE CLEAN:Chicken Quotes. The Rest

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Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 03:57:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Language Barriers

*   At the Maryland State Highway, a Engineer-in-Training directly
  from India was hired.  She worked about two weeks, and then left
  rather abruptly.  I had a chance to see her letter of resignation:
    "I wish to resignate.  My works are too many and my monies are
  too few.  My boss makes many lovings to which I say, 'Oh not'."
                                - - - - -

*   The exchange student at the frat house overdid the beer at his
  first party.  When asked the next morning if he was OK, he said,
  "Oh, I feel some better this morning, but I always feel bad when
  I feel better, because I know I'm going to feel worse soon."
                                - - - - -

*   Two American women were staying at the Hotel Tivoli in Lisbon
  and wanted another chair in their room.  The stewart who responded
  didn't understand English.
    One of the women pointed to the only chair in the room and then
  tried to pantomime seating herself in an imaginary chair.
    With a knowing smile, the stewart bowed and motioned for her to
  follow him.
    At the end of the corridor, he stopped, bowed again, and pointed
  triumphantly to the door of the Ladies' Room.
                                - - - - -

*   An exchange student at the University of Maryland memorized a lot
  of phrases from Ms Manner's etiquette book for a reception to be
  held in his honor.
    When a cup of tea was handed to him by the Dean, he solemnly said,
  "Thank you, sir or madam, as the case may be."
                                - - - - -

* A pretty little Mexican girl attending the University of Maryland
  was asked out on a date by a boy who had quite a reputation.  She
  smiled and said, "Well, I'll certainly have to think twice about
  giving that a second thought."


www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 12:34:05 +0100
From:    Juggy <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Various (off to wives & blind people)

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
 Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you
are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must
look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen
your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how
did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking through
the window at us."
			--------------------

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their
sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here
anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
			--------------------

"A good scientist is a person with original ideas. A good engineer is a
person who makes a design that works with as few original ideas as
possible. There are no prima donnas in engineering."  -Freeman Dyson

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 07:17:45 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Little Johnny and INXS ("S" word/off. to INXS fans)

 Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is
 definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or
 orange..."
 Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the
 autumn, the trees are brown."
 Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart
 have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course
 not!!!"
 "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
			= = = = = = = = = = = = = =

 Q: What is Elton John's latest tribute song to Hutch???

 A: "Dangle in the wind".

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 14:17:28 +0200
From:    Mohamed El-Nadi <itf@INTOUCH.COM>
Subject: Thank you Teacher (Adult)

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same
word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word
on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the
bigger it gets!"

http://nadi.home.ml.org

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 11:28:28 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Texas Folklore (2nd of 2)

By Leon Hale:
                   "drunk as a peach orchard boar"

 Did you ever hear "drunk as a peach orchard boar?"  Peach growers, after
harvest, used to turn hogs in the orchard to eat rotten and damaged fruit
that had fallen from the trees. Sometimes the peaches would ferment and an
old boar hog with a bellyful of those rotten peaches would get enough
alcohol to stagger around the orchard like a Saturday night drunk.


Note: Leon Hale is an author and also a  folklore columnist for the Houston
      Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 09:29:37 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: JOKE CLEAN: Chicken Quotes: Businessmen and Businesswes

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

12. The Businessmen and Businesses

American Express: She wouldn't leave home without us.

Walt Disney: It was a Mickey Mouse idea.

Michael Eisner: To see the Mighty Ducks at the pond.

General Electric: For a better tomorrow.

Henry Ford: Chickens are bunk.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000 which
both crosses AND balances your checkbook though when it
divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.499999999938.

Samuel Goldwyn: It created an excitement that swept the
country like wild flowers.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other
side of the road.

Frank Perdue: It takes a brave chicken to make a chicken tender.

Patek Phillipe: It is a tradition that transcends time.

R. J. Reynolds: It would walk a mile for a camel.

Col. Sanders: Did I miss one?

Charlie the Tuna: To taste better, not for better taste.

United Airlines: for frequent fryer miles.

Dean Witter: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop
the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Dean Witter, in a partnering relationship with the client,
on a best chicken basis, helped the chicken by rethinking
its physical distribution strategy and implementation
process. Let us show what we can do for your chicken today!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 11:41:17 -0600
From:    Kay Cavin <atlas@WTRT.NET>
Subject: A Day In The Life Of A Farmer

5:00 am Wake up
5:30    Check on hired man
6:00    Breakfast at local cafe
7:00    Buy newspaper
7:30    Check market report and lotto
8:00    Drop off wife at real job
8:15    Drive slow down dirt road and check crops
8:45    Drive tractor down Main Street
9:00    Snack and coffee at local cafe
9:30    Check Post Office for government check
10:00   Listen to farm report on radio
10:15   Say hello to banker
10:30   Hit on bank teller at drive thru
10:45   Back to Post Office to bitch about slow mail
11:00   Catch update on radio farm report
11:15   Stop at farm supply store to price fertilizer, gripe
        about prices and drink coffee. Gripe about coffee.
        Flirt with office girl.
11:45   Go next door to implement company to check on new fall hats.
12:00   Lunch at local cafe
12:30   BS session on sidewalk
1:00    Stop at home for rolaids and bathroom
1:15    Start painting shed
1:30    Stop painting shed - Jeopardy is on
2:00    Check out soaps on the tube
2:30    Nap
3:15    Afternoon farm report on radio
3:30    Look at new Dodge pickups
3:45    Call commodities broker and discuss market. Promise to call back
        later.
4:00    Gas up pickup and socialize
4:45    See CPA about new laws before he can close up office.
5:00    Pick up wife at work.
5:15    Watch wife cook dinner
5:30    Dinner
6:00    Visit with wife while she washes dishes and sorts laundry.
6:30    REST AFTER HARD DAYS WORK.


http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/3420
----------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 11:46:22 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Martha Steward Holiday Calendar (fwd)

 Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

 December 1
 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn upside
 down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

 December 2
 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
 answering machine.

 December 3
 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
 cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

 December 4
 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

 December 5
 Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.

 December 6
 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

 December 7
 Debug Windows '95

 December 10
 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

 December 11
 Lay Faberge egg.

 December 12
 Take Dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble.

 December 13
 Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
 decorative pie crusts.

 December 14
 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

 December 15
 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires
 are shot out at mall.

 December 17
 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

 December 19
 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height
 when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

 December 20
 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add
 a festive sparkle to the pasture.

 December 21
 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
 cinnamon sticks.

 December 22
 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

 December 23
 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

 December 24
 Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last
 minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
 than they really are.

 December 25
 Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
 homemade potpourri.

 December 26
 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

 December 27
 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

 December 31
 New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each
 time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 13:33:07 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Widsom from Ask the Infinity Ball

Quoth the Sphere of Infinite All-Seeing:

I could pretend that we were in the same situation. But since I'm a
pixelated storehouse of knowledge and wisdom and you're Zsa Zsa
Gabor's spirit-shackled soeur, I'm afraid it would have grave side
effects that Tokyo's economy is all-too-prepared to handle.

Life is like a bowl of jello. It is good to eat, but if you are not
careful it can slip away and slosh all over

Hope is the bane of a tiny island community. Marriage is the gleaming
white tooth of the harvester of sorrows. I believe this is where I
get off for lunch.

If I could save time in a bottle, I'd return it for the deposit.

Little by little, inch by inch, brick by brick, you've dismantled
your id and ransacked your collection plate. Don't you feel it's
time you put a new pair of socks over your head and sang the Volga
boatmen song? "Bleepity, bleebidy, deediby doo." (Repeat.)

If people weren't meant to eat animals, then animals wouldn't be
made out of meat.

Never be fooled by a squirrel. Up front the are very cute and cuddly
while they are munching on their chestnuts and creating nests for
their young. What you don't see is the hatred in their eyes, the
longing to kill off every human being on this planet. That is why
they have devised a plan to overtake the world by eating the earth's
bagel supply. They are vicious creatures who know where you live and
will hurt you. Trust no one.

Source: http://www.jaked.org/8ball.html

I learned about this useless website from:
http://www.go2net.com/internet/useless/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 13:50:56 -0800
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Turkey Day at the Coles - No bad words,
         but this should offend just about everyone!

My annual Thanksgiving joke.

We had a great Thanksgiving this year.  My mom decided not to serve the
family's traditional Swan.  That's a shame because it's so much fun to
watch the kids fight over the neck.  This year we observed an endangered
species meal.  As a first course, we had lightly sauteed spotted owl
garnished with grilled snail darters.  The main course was a magnificent
Califorina Condor with a stuffing made with baby seal sausage.  Yum, Yum!

Best of all, this year mom let me O.J. the bird!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 13:48:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Hey you... Out of the Gene Pool! (pt 1)

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with
a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock
near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
skull.

And in Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his
skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

And in February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie
in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2 a.m., the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window
was closed.

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West
Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges.  Pyrcioch allegedly
cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently
believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to
the bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said
Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had not
used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.
[Washington Post, 6-2-96]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Nov 1997 21:35:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FIA.NET>
Subject: JOKE CLEAN:Chicken Quotes. The Rest

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

13. The Rest (Addenda and Corrections)

Peter Abelaird: It was the intention to cross and not the
crossing itself that is important.

Saint Augustine: It reflects the presence of the divine reason.

Francis Bacon: Only a child can know.

Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

George Berkeley: It is immaterialistic and a conceptual
absurdity that a chicken would cross the road for any other
purpose than that being God's will.

Jeremy Bentham: For the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

Martin Buber: The reason the chicken crosses the road is
irrelevant. All that is important is that I observe and
judge the crossing.

Bukowski: To go to the bar, pick a fight, and find a good hen.

John Calvin: So God can reveal his goodness, glory, wisdom,
power and justice.

Eddie Cantor: To make whoppie.

The Cypher: The observant general elected to travel on the
helicopter entering on the highly elevated revolving
staircase invoking damaging editorials. (Needs to be
decoded.)

Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the
full explanation.

Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road
because one side and the other are not really opposites in
the first place.

Feodor Dostoevski: To be struck by a passing car. The most
meaningful reality in life is individual freedom, and the
supreme expression of individual freedom is suicide.

Jonathan Edwards: It is foredained by God's prescience and
omniscience.

Bobbie Fisher: It was just a Bishop's pawn in a Queen
Knight's game.

Friedrich Froebel: To teach the brood.

George Gershwin: It aint necessarily so.

Charles Gorin: It was an endplay, a Chicken Coup.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why chickens crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and
that was good enough for us.

Thomas Hobbes: By its own free will in the drive for
self-preservation in the absence of external impediaments.

Al Jolson: For Mammy. You aint seen nuthing yet.

Magic Johnson: It was showtime.

Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for object A.

Gottfried Leibnitz: It is a necessity in this best of all
possible worlds.

Vince Lombardi: To cross is not the important thing, it is
the only thing.

Martin Luther: It is a matter of faith not reason.

John D. MacDonald: In any emotional dilemma, the thing a
chicken must do is the one that's the hardest.

Thomas More: For the good life and pleasure of all chickens.

Edward R. Murrow: That's the way it was.

Robert Ripley: In Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, a
chicken crossed the road 76,392 times. Believe It Or Not.

Spider Robinson: Glad. Sad. Mad. What else is there?

George Santayana: Animal faith.

Baruch Spinoza: To affirm his essance as a part of nature
and God.

Theodore Sturgeon: 95% of what's writtenhere is chickensh...

Henry David Thoreau: To be wild and free like all good things.

Jonathan Winters: It didn't. It was too chicken.

Tiger Woods: To get to the next green.

Louise Woodward: To shake up her brood a little.

Corrections and Comments:

The Moses quote to be theologiclly corrrect should read:
Moses: "Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that
has crossed the road part-way and becometh unclean, though
it resemble in its flatness the bread which is unleavened or
the blintz which is unfilled, and that the chicken that
crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation."

The quote: "Ask me not for whom the chickens cross. They
cross for thee." should be attributed to John Doone who
wrote it, not Ernest Hemmingway who used it as the title of
his book.

Howard Beele: "He's mad as hell and is not going to take
this any more." should be attributed to Peter Finch as most
do not remember the character's name in Network.

Clark Gable: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." should
be more familiar if attributed to Rhett Butler as most
remember the character, not the actor.

Gene Roddenberry : "To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before." in most lists is attributed to Captain Kirk.
However, I feel Gene Roddenberry is more appropriate.

The Dean Witter quote is atttributed to various financial
advising firms on different lists.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Nov 1997 to 29 Nov 1997
************************************************
