Survival 2 - Episode 1

Voice of Johnny Host:
Sixteen fictional characters... 39 days... one message board...
*The scene fades from black to reveal the legendary Johnny Host walking along the top of a beautiful waterfall in the Australian outback. His solemn but laughable tone confirms the inevitable - Survival is back.*
Johnny Host: Welcome, after a long time, to Survival 2: The Final Fantasy III Outback. For those of you who've seen that television survival show, forget what you think you know. And if you read the original Survival, good for you... but that won't help you much either. These people are not real. Some of them are not even people. The rules have changed. It's a whole new game now. We've divided these 16 characters into two clans - REBODA and TAGORAN. Every three days, the clans will participate in an immunity challenge to see which team gets the Can't Get Kicked Off Trophy. The team without the trophy has to go to Clan Council, where one of their own will be voted out by the vicious denizens of the Universal Final Fantasy III Message Board. Yes, my friends... the game has changed. Now, let's meet our contestants.

REBODA CLAN
Sabin
Setzer
Terra
Cyan
Locke
Gogo
Ultros
Relm

TAGORAN CLAN
Celes
Umaro
Mog
Kefka
Shadow
Strago
Edgar
Gau

Johnny Host: Yes, many people know this bunch, but you'll find out how little you really know through the course of the isolation and starvation that the sick mind of Warteen will subject them to.
*The camera stops scrolling with Johnny. He continues talking and walks right past it.*
Johnny Host: Who knows how this will pan out? Who knows which of these popular characters will be the winner when they're at the mercy of such a horrible.....
*The scene fades and switches to the contestants. The game has started.*

DAY 1
REBODA CLAN
Sabin: All right team, let's build a shelter!
Gogo: All right team, let's build a shelter!
Sabin: .....
Gogo: .....
Terra: *laughs* Oh, poor Sabin, Gogo has already started in on you.
Sabin: Why do I always get caught up with the screwballs? I mean, what is it about me?
Ultros: Maybe you're just lucky! UWEE HEE HEE! Don't tease the octopus, kiddies!
Sabin: This is ridiculous.
Cyan: I agree.
Terra: Come on, guys, it's not so bad... back me up here, Locke. Locke...?
*Terra notices Locke reaching into Setzer's bag.*
Terra: (angrily) LOCKE!
Setzer: (realizing) Huh?!
*Setzer slaps Locke across the face with a metallic deck of cards. Locke cries out in pain and backs off.*
Terra: Didn't we have a rule about not stealing from each other?
Locke: Oh, right... eh heh heh, sorry. *winks*
Relm: Hey, somebody pay attention to me!
*Everyone stops talking and looks at Relm.*
Relm: Well, I didn't mean everybody... Well, if everyone's expecting something, I guess I'll just have to paint someone's portrait!
All: NO!!!
Ultros: What?

Relm (to camera): It's not easy being the only kid in this crowd. I mean, what a bunch of fuddy duddies.
Cyan (to camera): Lady Relm hath grown up too fast. I worrieth for her emotional well-being.
Sabin (to camera): I'm one of the few serious people in this clan. It only makes sense that I'm the one to be the leader when the time comes... and, of course, the winner. *laughs*
Ultros (to camera): Obviously I'm in trouble. I mean, I'm a receptionist now. I'm a new, improved killer octopus. A caring, sharing role model for the nineties. But, I guess I'm just not ready to show that side of myself to these people. I'm worried that they won't accept me. So I start in with that evil incoherent thing again. If only Master Ziegfried were here...
Locke (to camera): Okay, so I'm still a kleptomaniac. These folks should be used to it by now. I mean, come on. I've gotten us out of more than a few jams with my l33t skillz.
Terra (to camera): Right away, I feel like I'm the mother figure of this group. If it wasn't for me, they'd all probably kill each other.
Gogo (to camera): It's too early to know what's going on just yet. Want to hear some of my impressions? "These are not the droids you are looking for..."

TAGORAN CLAN
Kefka: You, fuzzy thing, move that! Dirty boy, you build a chair - nay, a THRONE - for me! General Celes, you're to be my second-in-command!
Celes: *growls* Kefka, you idiot, the Empire is long-dead, and you're definitely not in control anymore.
Kefka: Silence! I'll unleash my Light of Judgment on you!
Edgar: Haha, scary.
*Kefka pulls out a laser beam and fires it at Edgar, burning a semi-circle into his bicep.*
Edgar: !
*Shadow jumps Kefka and wrenches the beam weapon from his hand, destroying it.*
Edgar: What the he-*realizes the beautiful Celes is present and catches himself*-eck.
Kefka: Hey! You broke my luxury item!
Mog: Kefkupo, that is not going to fly around here!
Umaro: Duhhh...
Kefka: Hey you overgrown kitten, you can't talk to me that way!
*Umaro picks up Kefka by the head with one giant hand.*
Kefka: (outraged) Mmpph!!!
Strago: (muttering) You crazy kids...
Gau: Me think we need to work together.
Edgar: *trying to impress Celes with his diplomatic tone and take-charge attitude* Right! So, Umaro, how about it? Um, Mog?
Mog: Umaro! Drop him!
*Umaro releases Kefka, who makes a rather satisfying "clunk" noise when he hits the ground.*
Edgar: Come on now Kefka, calm down...
Kefka: I'm calm... I'M CALM! UWA HA HA!
Strago: Somebody better give that guy some pills...
Shadow: There aren't any pills in the Australian outback.
Gau: Me can make pills from animal doodoo!

Kefka (to camera): MWA HA HA HA HA! These fools, these ANTS will all serve me! And if they don't, then... welcome to my barbecue! *continues frying ants with a fire spell* MWA HA HA HA HA!
Gau (to camera): (sadly) Me no like clan's violent tendencies...
Edgar (to camera): How's a guy supposed to pick up foxy ladies in this kind of situation? Honestly... the ratio is 7:1 here. All right, Mog and Umaro aren't human, so 5:1. Well, maybe Kefka, Strago, and Gau are out of the question... hey... That's it. Shadow's going down.
Celes (to camera): I think I'm going to go AWOL if Edgar keeps hitting on me. Between that and Kefka's delusions of grandeur... It wasn't even this bad in the Imperial Army!
Strago (to camera): I should've packed some Depends for this trip. Ohhhh...
Shadow (to camera): I don't know how Celes stays sane with this group. I'm only able to survive through my ninja training and my earplugs.
Mog (to camera): Kupo! This'll be a piece of cakupo! You can't mess with me! Kupo! Not even that old psycho Strago!
Umaro (to camera): Duhhh.....

DAY 2
REBODA
Sabin (to camera): On Day 2, I figured it was high time that I start thinking about forming alliances. I mean, just being the leader isn't good enough to get me the win. I need to have strategic partners who I can step on to get victory! YEAH!
Sabin: So, Setzer...
Setzer: Yes?
Sabin: Ever think that maybe it might be a good idea to form an alliance?
Setzer: Uh...
Sabin: C'mon, think about it.
Setzer: Yes, I'm thinking about it, and I think you're an idiot.
Sabin: Come again?
Setzer: We're not even voting! What good would an alliance do us? Honestly!
Sabin: Uh... oh yeah.
Sabin (to camera): How embarassing.
TAGORAN
Kefka: MWA HA HA HA HA!
Edgar: (with hands over face) I swear, if I have to hear that laugh one more time...
Celes: Um, guys? What happened to all the canned goods that they supplied us with?
Umaro: Uhhh....
Mog: WHAT?! (angrily) Kupo kupo!
Strago: What is it?
Mog: Umaro says he saw Kefka eat them all! Kupo!
Kefka: I was hungry! MWA HA HA HA HA!
*Edgar snaps and dives at Kefka, catching him by surprise and pinning him to the ground. He proceeds to repeatedly punch him in the face.*
Edgar: I... said... don't... do... that...... LAUGH!!!
*Gau and Shadow pull Edgar off of Kefka. Edgar stands up and regains his composure, brushing himself off.*
Edgar: Right. Well... I'm going to go find some food.
*Edgar leaves. Kefka is unconscious on the ground, but nobody seems to notice. The group quietly walks off to find some berries, fish, or whatever they can to replace the food that Kefka ate; they'll need it, since without the canned goods, all they have is two large bags of rice.*
Gau (to camera): Kefka... bad man. He eat all food!
Celes (to camera): I can't believe it only took two days for a fistfight to break out. There's way too much testosterone in this clan.

DAY 3
REBODA
Locke: We have tree-mail.
Terra: Of course, it's time for the first immunity challenge.
Terra (to camera): We're a pretty strong group, despite a few personality conflicts. Take Ultros, for example. His being a former villain doesn't really impress these people. And Gogo is getting on Sabin's nerves.
Cyan: Well, what doth it say?
Locke: "Want to stay?
Well, don't lose heart.
Just get off to
An a-maze-ing start."
Sabin: Let me guess, we'll have to put up with these annoying rhymes through the whole game.
Setzer: Of course. Didn't you read the original Survival?
Sabin: Huh?
Setzer: Never mind.
Gogo: Well, obviously we'll have to run through some kind of maze.
Sabin: Well, obviously we'll have to run through some kind of maze.
*Gogo looks at Sabin.*
Sabin: HA! Gotcha!
Terra: All right, if you kids are done fighting, let's get down to the immunity challenge arena.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
*Both teams arrive at the spot for the immunity challenge at roughly the same time. Johnny Host is already there waiting for them, khaki outfit flapping in the cool breeze.*
Johnny Host: Welcome, teams, to your first immunity challenge. The loser of this challenge will be forced to head to Clan Council, where one of their number will be voted out by the message boarders.
Locke: Who are these "message boarders", anyway?
Johnny Host: It's unimportant. Just try not to lose.
Locke: Okay.
Johnny Host: This challenge is very simple. As you can see, we've set up two identical giant mazes here by cutting down several hundred trees in this delicate environment. At five different locations in the maze are pieces of a Can't Get Kicked Off Trophy replica. Working together, your team must collect all five pieces, get through the maze to the other side, and assemble the trophy on the platform you'll find there. The first team to successfully do all that wins immunity. Everyone got it? (assorted murmurs) All right, then. Survivors ready? GO!
*The two teams rush into the respective mazes, knowing that nobody is safe at this critical stage in the game. Sabin leads the Reboda Clan and they willingly follow him (particularly Gogo, master of mimicry). Unfortunately, he realizes all too soon that his group is not the quickest in the world.*
Sabin: Come on, guys! We haven't even gotten one piece yet! What's the hold-up?
Relm: Hey, give me a break! I have short legs!
Ultros: And I don't have legs at all! UWEE HEE HEE!
Sabin: Grrr... this is not a time for laughing! We're going to lose if we don't hurry up!
Locke: Look, I'm pretty quick. Why don't I go search separately from the group, so we can be faster.
Sabin: Good idea. We need all the help we can get. Go to it.
*Meanwhile, the Tagoran Clan is having problems of their own. They're working together nicely and are progressing through the huge maze, but their sanity is wearing thin.*
Kefka: MWA HA HA HA HA! You fools wouldn't be able to do anything without me! We already have one piece, thanks to me!
Edgar: Darn it Kefka, the only thing you've done is bark orders at us - which we've IGNORED - and slow us down! And old man, you're not helping any either.
Strago: *puff* Sorry sonny, but when you get to be my age, it's hard to speedy. You're happy with just being vertical.
Celes: Wait, I have an idea... Mog, can you tell Umaro to carry Strago for us? I'm sure he can handle it.
Mog: Good thinking, kupo! Biggie, hold onto the old man for awhile - and be gentle!
*Umaro picks Strago up and cradles him in his arms.*

Sabin: Come on, guys! We can't just sit here!
Ultros: But it's time for a break...
Cyan: Now is the time for action. Thou canst rest later. Let us move!

Strago: It's like a pony ride! Hooray!
Celes: All right, if we round this corner...
Kefka: MWA HA HA-erk!
*Edgar has knocked Kefka out. Umaro picks Kefka up and holds him with Strago.*
Shadow: That makes four pieces of the trophy. We're almost done.

Locke: All right, guys, I got four of the pieces! You got the other one, right?
Terra: Um... no.
Locke: What?
Sabin: ARGH! We haven't even moved from this spot!
Locke: Oh, man.

*Sabin finally persuades his group to move toward the exit, while Locke runs off to find the final piece of the trophy. Meanwhile, the Tagorans have found all five pieces and run toward the back of the maze to get out and win the race. The Reboda clan finds the fifth piece just as Tagoran finds the exit. Reboda runs toward the exit, but it's too late for their victory. They exit the maze just in time to see Tagoran successfully complete their trophy. Johnny inspects it and then hands them the real thing.*
Johnny Host: Tagoran wins!
*The Tagoran members cheer exhaustedly.*
Johnny Host: I'll see you Reboda people tonight, at the first Clan Council.

Sabin (to camera): I did the best I could. The group was just too weak to win this one. I'll be happy when a few of the weaker members are voted out.
Locke (to camera): I thought we had it when I had four out of five pieces. I guess I relied on the group a little bit too much.
Relm (to camera): I could've gone on, sure. But, that would've made Ultros look bad, and I wouldn't want to do that to him. He's my friend.
Ultros (to camera): Oh, like I can help it that I have tentacles instead of legs. We'll see how smart Sabin is when we do a water challenge!
Cyan (to camera): It didst not seem like a just challenge.
Setzer (to camera): I'm glad I wasn't the one screwing up out there.
Gogo (to camera): No amount of mimicry could've helped us in that challenge. Mimicking a lazy person doesn't accomplish much.
Terra (to camera): Sabin might have been a little too harsh on the rest of the team.

NIGHT 3
CLAN COUNCIL
*A dejected Reboda Clan takes their seats around the fire at Clan Council. Johnny paces among them.*
Johnny Host: Well, guys, you can't win 'em all, can you? Tell me what went wrong, Sabin.
Sabin: I don't want to be all negative about my tribemates, but I think the reason we lost that challenge - well, the REASONS - are Ultros and Relm.
Relm: You have a funny way of not being negative...
Sabin: Look, if you didn't want to participate, you shouldn't have come to the game. It's about winning, you know.
Terra: Come on, Sabin, take it easy.
Sabin: Yeah... I'm sorry, guys. I just really wanted to win that one.
Cyan: Nobody is perfect.
Sabin: Sorry.
Johnny Host: Well, as sorry as you may be, it doesn't change the fact that you guys lost, and one of you will pay the price for it. It's time to vote.

Johnny Host: Well, there you have it - that's the first episode of Survival 2. Now would be the time to cast your vote, which you can do by replying on the message board with who you'd like to see out of this game. Joke and multiple votes will be discounted, so don't even THINK about it... *glares* Tune in next week to see will be the first one to get kicked out of Survival 2: The Final Fantasy III Outback!

Back Message Board