EX LIBRIS
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters found herein belong to me. I swear to God I’m not making any
money off of this, so try to refrain from being an evil corporate bastard by not suing me. Please. Also, let it
be known that I have absolutely nothing against “Memnoch the Devil.” I’m actually one of the few people I
know that really enjoyed the book upon first reading it. This story is merely an attempt to mock what I’ve
found to be the general fan reaction to the book.
TIME: Post “Memnoch the Devil”, pre “The Vampire Armand.”
[Interior: It is late at night at the New Orleans branch of Barnes and Noble. Three ethereal looking young
men walk inside. One man sports a head of vibrant blond hair and is wearing violet sunglasses. Another
man with long jet black hair and green eyes looks around him as if awestruck. A third individual, who
appears to be no more than 18 years old, accompanies them].
LESTAT: Ah, books. Truly food for the soul.
ARMAND: Uh, Lestat? Are you *sure* it was wise to bring Louis in here so soon after...well, you know.
LESTAT: [looking puzzled] Whatever do you mean?
ARMAND: Pardon the use of the colloquial Lestat, but *duh!* It’s not everyday that you go into a
bookstore and one of your best friends winds up killing the night manager in a fit of rage after he’s told it’s
closing time. You can’t have forgotten...
LESTAT: I didn’t forget.
ARMAND: Well, what’s your reasoning then?
LESTAT: I just *had* to get away from David tonight. He can be so clingy sometimes.
ARMAND: Well, what did you expect? *Mr. Impulsive* gets upset when one of his little experiments
backfires, and then we all wind up having to pay the price. You should try exercising a little restraint every
once in awhile.
LESTAT: [laughing wildly] Restraint? Oh Armand, you can be positively hilarious sometimes.
ARMAND: Whatever. [looking around nervously] Still, do you think it’s wise to be here? You *know*
how Louis gets when he’s in places like this...
LESTAT: Yes, yes, I know. But with the two of us here tonight he should be fine. Besides, I think I owe it
to Louis to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he *swore* to me he’d behave.
ARMAND: Fancy that, *you* telling someone else to behave...
LESTAT: [ignoring Armand] Isn’t that right Louis? [looks behind him] Louis?
ARMAND: He’s gone Lestat. *Again.*
LESTAT: [scowling] Well, we’ll have to leave him to whatever he’s doing for the time being. I have more
pressing matters to attend to.
ARMAND: Pressing matters? Such as...?
LESTAT: [under his breath] Just wanted to see how the books are selling...
ARMAND: [exasperated] Again?! Everywhere we go--San Francisco, New York, London. It’s not like
we have to go into a bookstore every time we’re within ten feet of one just so *you* can see how *your*
books are selling. Aren’t the monthly reports from the publisher enough?
LESTAT: I’m not satisfied with entertaining at a distance. I like to be amongst my readership Armand.
And don’t sound so jealous. It’s not my fault those silly “Sleeping Beauty” books you wrote didn’t make a
dime...
ARMAND: [looking slightly embarrassed] I was experimenting. [sarcastically] Besides, it’s not like we
can all be so talented as you to be guaranteed a bestseller every single time we put pen to paper.
LESTAT: Exactly, which is why I’m amazed anyone keeps trying at all. Come, let’s get this over with so
we can get Louis out of here before sunrise. I’ll be damned if I’m sleeping in the storage room of yet
*another* bookstore.
ARMAND: You’ll be damned anyway, Lestat.
LESTAT: Aren’t we the clever one? Now shut up and come with me.
[They wind their way through the myriad isles of the bookstore, heading towards the fiction section]
LESTAT: R...R...Rice, Rice, where are you? [running his finger along the shelves] Ah, here you are!
[beaming with pride] They look so lovely sitting there in such nice neat rows, don’t they?
ARMAND: [rolls his eyes]
LESTAT: “Interview with the Vampire”...a lovely if inaccurate book. Although it was not authored by
yours truly, it is significant in that it was the first time this world got their first glorious glimpse of *me*
ARMAND: [mumbling] Here he goes again...
LESTAT: I heard that. “The Vampire Lestat”. My crowning glory, if you ask me.
ARMAND: Nobody did.
LESTAT: [glares at Armand, then turns back to the bookshelf] “The Queen of the Damned”, a marvel of
narrative fiction. I was surprised at my own amazing ability to keep so many seemingly separate storylines
flowing together so smoothly. Hey, wait, that was alliteration! Damn, I’m good!
ARMAND: Positively amazing. Now move on to the others before Louis gets so lost we won’t be able to
find him.
LESTAT: [ignoring him] “The Tale of the Body Thief”, yet another account of one of my amazing
adventures and testament to my limitless ability to overcome whatever hardships may be thrown my way.
[sighs deeply] And “Memnoch the Devil”...
ARMAND: [snickering] You mean “Memnoch the Paperweight”...
LESTAT: You act like *that* and then wonder why I let everyone think you *actually* died in the book.
Still, “Memnoch” was an achievement in...[pauses, looking intently at the bookshelves] Wait a second...
ARMAND: [laughing under his breath]
LESTAT: [counts the number of books on the shelf] Why are there 43 copies of “Memnoch the Devil”
here and only one or two of the others? [looking puzzled] Was it so popular that the stores had to order
this many copies merely to keep up with the demand?
ARMAND: [laughing out loud and rolling on the floor]
LESTAT: What in heavens is so damned funny?
ARMAND: [picking himself up and trying to catch his breath] Oh, nothing, nothing. [giggles].
LESTAT: Hmm. I shall have to call over a staff person to inquire about this unusual situation. [he waves
down a salesperson, who mouths the words ‘Who, me?’] Yes you, you lucky devil. Come here, I have a
question.
SALESPERSON: Uh, can I help you?
LESTAT: You’d better. I’d like to know why there are *significantly* more copies of this book,
“Memnoch the Devil”, than there are of the other vampire novels written by me...I mean, Anne Rice.
SALESPERSON: [looks at him as if he’s insane] You’re obviously not into the Chronicles, are you?
[Armand begins laughing wildly again. The salesperson looks at him as if he were an escaped mental
patient].
LESTAT: [flashes the salesperson a wry smile] *Into* the Chronicles? Not only am I *into* the
Chronicles, I’m *in*--
ARMAND: Lest--uh, Leroy, please. [under his breath] Please, we all got into *enough* trouble the last
time you were hell-bent on self proclamation...
LESTAT: [winks at Armand, then turns back to the salesperson] Well, let’s just say I’m *familiar* with
the material. I still don’t see why that has anything to do with the fact that there are so many copies of
“Memnoch the Devil” on the shelves.
SALESPERSON: Well, any *real* Chronicles fan knows that “Memnoch the Devil” doesn’t even really
count as a book in the series. [he laughs] Most of us fans have a running joke that the real title should be
“Memnoch the Paperweight.”
[Armand stifles a laugh. Lestat glares at him and he falls silent]
LESTAT: And just *why* shouldn’t “Memnoch the Devil” count as a book in the series? If anything
“Interview with the Vampire” should be excluded based solely on the fact that it is a largely erroneous and
clouded account of the events--
[Armand pokes Lestat in the ribs. Lestat slaps his hand away. The salesperson shakes his head in utter
bewilderment.]
SALESPERSON: Um, “Interview” should be excluded from the series? Most of us fans think that Anne’s
writing was never really the same after “Interview.” “Memnoch” just doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of
them. It’s my personal theory that Anne was suffering from some sort of severe mental trauma when she
was writing it. [he notices the look of pure horror on Lestat’s face] It’s the only explanation I can come up
with.
LESTAT: [snorts derisively] Severe mental trauma? You would be suffering from ‘severe mental trauma’
if *you* had traveled to Heaven and Hell and all that. ‘Severe mental trauma’...honestly...
SALESPERSON: Listen dude, if you’re done here, I gotta go continue my work so I can get outta here on
time...
LESTAT: [glares harshly at the salesperson] Fine, go then. [Reading the boy’s thoughts]. But I know
where you live. [leans in closely and whispers to the salesperson] And I know you sleep with a teddy bear.
Bear that in mind the next time you feel like insulting great literature.
SALESPERSON: [swallows audibly and begins backing away] Uh, whatever you say. [turns quickly and
runs to the back of the store].
LESTAT: [visibly upset] Mortals. You would have thought that boy had been living under a rock the past
5 years.
ARMAND: Lestat, really--
LESTAT: Enough of this prattle. Let’s go. [he grabs Armand by the shoulder and moves to leave, then
hesitates momentarily]. Just one second...[he turns back to the bookshelf and scoops up all 43 copies of
“Memnoch the Devil”] Okay, now we can go. [glares at Armand] And shut up, I know what you’re
thinking.
ARMAND: [mock innocence] Who, me?
LESTAT: Let’s go find Louis. I haven’t the foggiest idea where he could be. [turns to Armand] Care to
offer any assistance? I don’t want this to take all night.
ARMAND: [his face goes blank for a split second as he listens for Louis’ thoughts. A wry smile crosses
his face]. He’s in the Self Help section...
LESTAT: [rolls his eyes] Should have known. Let’s go.
[They walk to the Self Help section, where they find Louis sitting cross-legged on the floor, completely
engrossed in a book. When he notices them approaching, he quickly slams the book shut and shoves it
behind his back. He looks up at Lestat and Armand]
LOUIS: Oh, Lestat, Armand. What’s kept you so long?
ARMAND: [giggling] Oh Louis, it was the funniest thing--
LESTAT: *Armand*! No need to bore Louis with the details. [turns to Louis, an inquiring look on his
face] What were you reading, Louis?
LOUIS: [blushes] Nothing. I wasn’t reading anything. What gave you the idea I was reading something?
LESTAT: Louis, don’t be stupid. What were you reading?
LOUIS: [turns away, and tries to shove the book hidden behind his back onto the bookshelf].
LESTAT: Armand!
[Armand moves so fast Louis doesn’t even have time to register the fact that the book he had is missing
before Armand holds it up, waving it in the air]
LESTAT: [raises one eyebrow and grins wickedly] “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? I was
less surprised when I found your secret stash of “Sweet Valley High” books...
LOUIS: [blushes] I--I...[mumbling] Just some light reading material...
LESTAT: Never mind that. It’s time to go anyway. My business is done here.
[Armand tosses the book on the ground, and as all three are about to leave, Lestat turns back and glances at
the book on the floor. The book erupts into flames].
LESTAT: Light reading material. Really Louis, I don’t know what to do with you sometimes...
LOUIS: [smiles sheepishly] I’m starting to get tired of hearing you say that. [he suddenly notices Lestat’s
armful of books] Um, Lestat, why are you holding so many copies of “Memnoch the Paper--’. Uh, I mean,
“Memnoch the Devil”?
LESTAT: [glares at Louis] Shut up, Louis.
[They walk out of the store just as a staff person frantically yells about a fire in the Self Help section].
THE END
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