This page is dedicated to the vagaries of working as a musician for a living.
I am adding new items all the time, so read on

If you have any stories or snippets which fall under the heading - "Gigs of our lives" please email me at bobbyv@melbpc.org.au or leave an anecdote in my guestbook.

Subject: BOOK OF JOBS CHAPTER 2
Chapter Two.

And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him.
"Noah, awake and heed my words!"
And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"
And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, dummy!"
And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band."
"For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets."
And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."
And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"
And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor. Ask not why!"
And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?"
And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument on the band, just to be safe."
And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"
And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments."
"Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore."
And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section."
"First, find me a Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer possess."
And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?"
And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my servant."
"First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Gigging."
"And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness, in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player."
And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?"
And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all."
And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
"Next shall be the Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful".
"Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."
And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"
"Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing ‘Old Time Rock n’ Roll’. Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels."
"And his tux shall be the Rattiest."
And Noah did say, "It shall be done."
And the Lord did say, "Next thou shalt need Horns".
"First shall be the Saxophones. And they shall be Beboppers.
And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when ‘In The Mood’ is called."
"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing."
"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band."
And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"
"Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain."
"And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."
And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?"
And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers".
"And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females".
"And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica."
"And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White."
"And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs."
"But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form.
And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment."
"And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why."
And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."
And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements."
"And though we have No Work yet, a Committment must be secured from All."
"And while you're at it,start looking for Subs."
And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."

And it was.

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GOD CREATED THE BASS

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a fender, probably a Precision,
but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old.
definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though man would
later try). And so he let it be and he created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst'
red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang
through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb
came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and he
smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and he said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to
practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set
of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like
a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which he
had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of
furniture, which he hadn't created yet, and he was not so pleased.

And he spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the
heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion.
(Some of the angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could he miss it - and lo he became bugged. And
he spoke to the man, and he said, "listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix,
I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But
now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the
frets off the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his
fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the
neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the
Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks.
And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and
rolled.

Now gods wrath was great. And his voice was thunder as he spoke to the man.

And he said, "OK for you, pal. You have not heeded my word. Lo, I shall
create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even
think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall
play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you always
stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
instruments, and lo, they shall be able to play higher and faster than
the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your course shall be this; that all the
other musicians shall lookst you, the bass player, for the low notes.

And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow"
but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for
your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for
all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to
sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

BASS PLAYER OFFENSES

NAME OF OFFENDER: ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE: _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINES:
[ ] Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ] Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ] Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me

DOUBLE BASS PLAYERS
[ ] Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ] Playing audibly $25
[ ] Faking changes $25
[ ] Slapping $150
[ ] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ] Excessive sweating $25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ] Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ] Taking second chorus $100
[ ] Playing solo arco $400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
[ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune

ELECTRIC BASS
[ ] Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ] Playing with a pick $50
[ ] Tuning during ballad $30
[ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ] Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ] Changing strings after every set $15
[ ] Using electric tuner $15
[ ] Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass $150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ] Telling band member about all the gigs you get $10
[ ] Asking other band member about their day gig $10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ] Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ] Practicing scales during break $25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ] Practicing $150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are
"into sequencing" $10

BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ] Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ] Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string."

Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "this time I learned the first five notes on the A string."

One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, "hey, what happened in today's lesson?"

"Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig!"

There was a boy in kindergarten who played bass. One day, he came home and said,

"Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!" and his mom said,

"Good, that's because you're a bassist."

The next day he came home and said,

"Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!" and his mom said,

"Good, that's because you're a bassist."

The next day, he came home and said,

"Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm a bassist, too?" and his mom said,

"No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."

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GUITAR PLAYERS

How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
Nobody knows.

Guitar players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot One.

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DRUMMERS

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
The knocking speeds up.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, let's do one of my songs."
or;
"Like, hey, guys, lets like, totally do one of my songs...like, yeah..." (a select few will get that)

How can you tell when a drummer is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

"Hey mate, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer!"

What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums."
Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

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SINGERS

What's the difference between a singer and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

You are in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler and Bobby Valentine. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot Bobby Valentine twice...just to make sure.

How do you know when there's a male singer at the door?
He bursts in, shouts "I'm here" & tries to root ya wife

How do you know when there's a female singer at the door?
She can't find the key, comes in at the wrong time, complains how loud the door is (?) so that she couldn't hear her own knocking, was late cos;

a. couldn't find a park close to the lift
b. was making out with the guitar player while waiting for the door to open
c. Had problem with boyfriend whilst making out with the guitar player while waiting for the door to open
d. wasn't happy with hair/eyes/frock so went home to change - 3 times

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GIG CONTRACT

Thank you for engaging _________________(insert ensemble's name here)
Because we know better than you, please, don't tell us what to do, play, wear, or bring.
Please, just simply pay us what we ask, and please forego all the tedious nickel- and-diming you always try to get away with (you know who you are!).
We want four (4) COMFORTABLE chairs - not folding metal chairs, not splintery ones, and not those cane chairs where the seat is about to fall through. Preferably padded. -- no, MUST be padded.
We will not play outside, so don't ask.
We want to be fed. Fed well - the same food your 200 guests eat. What's four more meals, really? We will not eat sandwiches. Especially not sandwiches on white bread. And we want to eat at a table. Is that too much to ask???
We are not "the help" so please do not treat us that poorly! Before the engagement, please do not call for any reason.
Once we have been hired, that's it.....you don't need to talk to us for any other reason.
Please do not call other quartets trying to compare prices. We all cost the same. Incidentally, we all wear the same clothes, play the same arrangements, and hire the same people, so it really makes no difference.
Do not make requests for music we don't have. It's just way too much of a pain to cater to your tiny needs. Find a new favourite song.
No Andrew Lloyd Webber song will be transposed down a half step so your cousin Jeanne can sing it during your candle-lighting ceremony. She's not a very good singer anyway.
In fact -- no Andrew Lloyd Webber at all. Period.
And finally the answer is: no, you can't keep the demo tape -- they aren't cheap, you know!
Thank you for using us, and DO call again!

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MUSO'S NO-NO'S

ARE YOU IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS?
IF YOU WISH TO STAY IN IT,
DON'T EVER USE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS
The phones sound O.K. but I need more of myself
We won't need a click
I like what you're trying to do but not the way you're doing it
An excellent first attempt
Was that the sound you had on the demo?
That was pretty good for this time of night
No dynamics? We're playing as loud as we can
I think that's a pretty good sound for what you're getting paid
That was great lets do it again
Is that about as tight as you boys want to get?
Is it possible the metronome/click is speeding up?
I'm at the point where I'm making dumb mistakes.
I never had these problems when I was doing it solo.
Fabulous!!!
You can't make ice cream out of shit
Just let your spirit soar
Less is more
Less is less
Out of tune! I can't be
Countryfi it
Trust me
That's the way I've been playing it all along
I just wish I could get a whole band that sounds as good as I do
This will be a great opportunity for me to show off my chops
Let's hear the bass, if you can call it that
Play something Paul would tell Linda to play
Does your amp have an underdrive channel?
You can erase that one, I remember exactly what I played
We'll fix that in the mix
You guys can fix that with the computer, right?
My girlfriend sings great background vocals
I know a great drummer
Just play it like ........ would play it.
You guys want to try some heroin?
Your girlfriend's been in the bathroom a long time
I'm not going to be any more dishonest with you
Than I am with anyone else
I'd like a little more of a live feeling on this tune you guys
I also play eleven other instruments
Sorry I'm late, I just got through with my blood test
That vocal's not how you're going to do it, is it?
That's how I wrote it but that's not how I like to play it
I can't think of any improvements that won't make it worse
That ground loop is a trademark thing for me
This computer can do things you musos can't
Do it in the key my voice is in
Have you guys thought of adding a couple of girls?
I'm not getting the right vibes
You'll never work in this town again
It's a technique I've pick up over the years
You know the sound I want
Do that thing with your fingers
Maybe you should gargle something
That noise is part of my sound
I'll be fine after a couple of drinks
I think you've got something here
That's fabulous. You sound just like ........
Make the drums sound like the door closing
on the Starship Enterprise
Can we have more of me in the mix?
I've got this friend ......
Sing it like a rap song
It needs hand claps
That wasn't what I just played.

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GAGS

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd
like to be a musician.
" She replies, "Well, honey, you know you can't do both!"

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinettists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What do you call a group of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.

Q: How do you stop the spread of SARS?
A: Let BMG distribute it.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: What is a phrase you will never hear?
A: Can the drummer please move his porsche.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks,
"What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G
minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time,
then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the
last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day
when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the
International Orchestra."
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king
of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments
with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the
trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.
"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she
says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with
silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the
goddamn piccolo.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he
say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba
doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit.
AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!" "Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome". "Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man. "It's not unusual", replied the doctor.

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the "Hokey Pokey", died last week at 83. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him in the casket. They put his left leg in and things just started to go downhill from there.

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ." The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music!

From an unnamed source (I deleted the name...)

Dear Abby-

I am an Airman stationed at Lackland AFB. My parents live in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst, is married to a transvestite.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel; however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiance utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. Of course, I want to be totally honest with her, so, my problem is this: should I tell her about my cousin who is a jazz musician?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

I heard a great story about Phil Spector working with Leonard Cohen on an album; towards the end of an evening, and apparently a little 'tired and emotional' he was messin' with his pistol, pointed it right at Cohen and said 'I love you, Leonard.' To which the great man replied: 'I hope you do, Phil. I hope you do.' I heard Phil Spector always carried a gun during recording sessions. Maybe it was visionary.

Well, HE is a visionary, ....... and you heard right, I witnessed it myself. I was working in the studio next door, standing in the lobby talking to someone, when I heard a gun shot coming from the control room next to mine, where Uncle Phil was mixing an album. He got a little upset about the sound he just wasn't getting the way he wanted...... and shot the Studer 24tk, said he was done for a day and left...... at least this is what we got out of the poor engineer, shaking like a leaf, white as a sheet and ready himself to retire....permanently.

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KENNY G COPS A SERVE

Pat Matheny wrote this and it was published in the New York Times last Sunday:

Kenny G is not a musician I really had much of an opinion about at all until recently. There was not much about the way he played that interested me one way or the other either live or on records.
I first heard him a number of years ago playing as a sideman with Jeff Lorber when they opened a concert for my band. My impression was that he was someone who had spent a fair amount of time listening to the more pop oriented sax players of that time, like Grover Washington or David Sanborn, but was not really an advanced player, even in that style. He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist in an ensemble - Lorber was basically playing him off the bandstand in terms of actual music.But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs - never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again) .

The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, play horribly out of tune: consistently sharp. Of course, I am aware of what he has played since, the success it has had, and the controversy that has surrounded him among musicians and serious listeners. This controversy seems to be largely fueled by the fact that he sells an enormous amount of records while not being anywhere near a really great player in relation to the standards that have been set on his instrument over the past sixty or seventy years. And honestly, there is no small amount of envy involved from musicians who see one of their fellow players doing so well financially, especially when so many of them who are far superior as improvisers and musicians in general have trouble just making a living. There must be hundreds, if not thousands of sax players around the world who are simply better improvising musicians than Kenny G on his chosen instruments. It would really surprise me if even he disagreed with that statement.

Having said that, it has gotten me to thinking lately why so many jazz musicians (myself included, given the right "bait" of a question, as I will explain later) and audiences have gone so far as to say that what he is playing is not even jazz at all.
Stepping back for a minute, if we examine the way he plays, especially if one can remove the actual improvising from the often mundane background environment that it is delivered in, we see that his saxophone style is in fact clearly in the tradition of the kind of playing that most reasonably objective listeners would normally quantify as being jazz. It's just that as jazz or even as music in a general sense, with these standards in mind, it is simply not up to the level of playing that we historically associate with professional improvising musicians.

So, lately I have been advocating that we go ahead and just include it under the word jazz - since pretty much of the rest of the world outside of the jazz community does anyway, and let the chips fall where they may. And after all, why he should be judged by any other standard, why he should be exempt from that that all other serious musicians on his instrument are judged by if they attempt to use their abilities in an improvisational context playing with a rhythm section as he does? He should be compared to John Coltrane or Wayne Shorter, for instance, on his abilities (or lack thereof) to play the soprano saxophone and his success (or lack thereof) at finding a way to deploy that instrument in an ensemble in order to accurately gauge his abilities and put them in the context of his instrument's legacy and potential. As a composer of even eighth note based music, he should be compared to Herbie Hancock, Horace Silver or even Grover Washington. Suffice it to say, on all above counts, at this point in his development, he wouldn't fare well. But, like I said at the top, this relatively benign view was all "until recently."

Not long ago, Kenny G put out a recording where he overdubbed himself on top of a 30+ year old Louis Armstrong record, the track "what a wonderful world." With this single move, Kenny G became one of the few people on earth I can say that I really can't use at all - as a man, for his incredible arrogance to even consider such a thing, and as a musician, for presuming to share the stage with the single most important figure in our music. This type of musical necrophilia - the technique of overdubbing on the preexisting tracks of already dead performers, was weird when Natalie Cole did it with her dad on "Unforgettable" a few years ago, but it was her dad. When Tony Bennett did it with Billie Holiday it was bizarre, but we are talking about two of the greatest singers of the 20th century who were on roughly the same level of artistic accomplishment. When Larry Coryell presumed to overdub himself on top of a Wes Montgomery track, I lost a lot of the respect that I ever had for him - and I have to seriously question the fact that I did have respect for someone who could turn out to have such unbelievably bad taste and be that disrespectful to one of my personal heroes. But when Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to defile the music of the man who is probably the greatest jazz musician that has ever lived by spewing his lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up playing all over one of the great Louis's tracks (even one of his lesser ones), he did something that I would not have imagined possible. He, in one move, through his unbelievably pretentious and callused musical decision to embark on this most cynical of musical paths, shit all over the graves of all the musicians past and present who have risked their lives by going out there on the road for years and years developing their own music inspired by the standards of grace that Louis Armstrong brought to every single note he played over an amazing lifetime as a musician. By disrespecting Louis, his legacy and by default, everyone who has ever tried to do something positive with improvised music and what it can be.

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Prince praises Napster, rips industry

One of the higher-profile stars to sell music via the Net calls the song-swapping technology 'exciting,' disses the record industry.
" & I totally agree" says Bob V!
By Derek Caney, Reuters
August 9, 2000 3:58 PM PT

Funk and rock star Prince weighed in this week on music-sharing technology issues, calling services like Napster "exciting," and sharply criticizing the record industry for exploiting artists.
Prince's remarks, posted on his Web site (http://www.npgonlineltd.com) earlier this week and released in a statement on Wednesday, make their appearance before a looming courthouse showdown between Napster and the world's largest record companies. Napster is a free service that allows Internet users to download digital music files from other people's computers without the permission of the artists, record labels or publishers.

"From the point of view of the music lover, what's going on can only be viewed as an exciting new development in the history of music," said Prince, whose hits include "1999," "When Doves Cry" and "Cream."
"And fortunately for (the music lover), there does not seem to be anything the old record companies can do about preventing this evolution from happening."

He leveled his most pointed criticism at Richard Parsons, the president of Time Warner Inc. (NYSE: TWX), the parent company of his former label Warner Brothers.
Kids to stop buying music?
Parsons was quoted in an article in the Los Angeles Times two weeks ago as saying, "An increasing number of young people don't buy albums, so we are not only losing that immediate revenue. They are growing up with a notion that music is free and ought to be free."
"This statement deals with the relationship between music and the public from a purely commercial point of view," Prince said.
"Nowhere in his statement is there any indication that what might happen with young people exchanging music is that they might develop a real appreciation of music in general and ... be perfectly honest citizens who realize that artists should be compensated for their work," he added.
'From the point of view of the music lover, what's going on can only be viewed as an exciting new development in the history of music.' -- Prince
A Time Warner spokesman responded, "Dick (Parsons) has a lot of respect for Prince as an artist and as a musician. But that doesn't change the company's position on Napster."

Time Warner's Warner Music Group is among five major record labels suing the San Mateo, Calif., company for violations of copyright law, calling the service a haven for piracy. The other labels are Sony Music Entertainment, Seagram Co.'s Universal Music Group, BMG, the music unit of Bertelsmann AG and EMI Group Plc. Napster claims its service is not copyright infringement as the record labels claim, arguing instead that the service is "fair use" of intellectual property -- the argument that allows people to make copies of music, documents and artwork for personal non-commercial use.
Napster was not immediately available for comment.
Prince said that Napster is an illustration of "the growing frustration over how much the record companies control what music people get to hear.
"Young people ... need to be educated about how the record companies have exploited artists and abused their rights for so long and about the fact that online distribution is turning into a new medium which might enable artists to put an end to this exploitation."
Prince has long been an outspoken critic of the record industry, stemming in part by a dispute with Warner Brothers over the ownership of his master recordings and the pace at which he was allowed to release albums. During the dispute, he changed his written name to a cryptic unpronounceable symbol and took to appearing in public with the word "slave" painted on his face.
Prince is one of the higher profile artists to use the Internet to sell music outside traditional channels.

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LOOKING GRIM AT THE GRAMMYS

Ralph Stanley's performance of O Death wasn't the only ominous note at the annual music awards. This may have been the swan song for the American music industry as we know it. But does anybody care? Lorraine Ali and David Gates report.

At last week's Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, they shut down the bars and Budweiser stands during the televised part of the ceremony to try to keep bodies in the seats. But by the climactic moment, the presentation of record of the year (that is, best single) to U2 for Walk On, half the audience had walked out – despite the fact that this award's placement suggested the industry was now staking its survival on singles rather than albums. It was a weird night anyway. U2 (eight nominations) got seated in the front row for easy stage access. That gave them a nice view of the 74-year-old mountain-music patriarch Ralph Stanley and the other Southern roots performers on the underpromoted, profoundly anti-pop O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack, as they made the trek from the middle of the auditorium seats to pick up the award for album of the year. At a time when record companies were soul-searching and focus-grouping to try to figure out what the public wanted, they'd been totally blindsided by an album that sold well over 3 million copies largely on word of mouth.

If you'd kept your eyes on Dre, of the innovative and eccentric hip-hop duo OutKast, you would have seen a guy in a fuzzy white mack-daddy hat and a bizarro plaid suit sitting stonefaced until Stanley and company hit the stage; only then did he begin to boogie in place. Even U2's guitarist, The Edge, considered his band's loss of the grand prize a "sweet defeat." Musicians and listeners bonded over O Brother, an album with nothing going for it but authenticity: no hype, no radio, no MTV. That people within the music industry itself – professionals with "creative or technical credits on at least six commercially released tracks" – voted it the year's best album was either a statement of the abiding values that got them into this business, or a gesture of self-loathing. This disc was about as far from industry product as you could get.

You don't need us to tell you that much of that product is disposable – you've got ears – but you may be surprised to know how resoundingly it's getting disposed of. Last year US record-company revenues dropped by $US600m ($1.15bn), and the perennial talk about the end of the business as we know it sounds more and more convincing. We could list reasons from now until Sunday: the recession, post-September 11 shell shock, revenue lost to CD-burning and Internet file-sharing. All valid. But they wouldn't be having as much impact if the music made us care.

The generally dismal quality of America's mass-marketed pop music is an esthetic national emergency. And last week's Masque of the Red Death extravaganza at the Staples Center couldn't disguise the dire portents. Teen-pop cash cow Britney Spears, apparently ineligible for any 2001 nominations, showed up to present an award and to remind arty types what actually pays the bills. Insiders from Nashville's hard-hit labels watched in silent disbelief as hunk du jour Tim McGraw got skunked for male country vocal. The winner? Again, the white-haired Stanley, for O Death, his a cappella plea to the grim reaper to "spare me over till another year." (A few VPs and A&R honchos must've had the same thought.) But the worst portent was simply that so many people decided not to bother watching the Grammys at all. The telecast got its lowest ratings in six years, and its 21% drop from last year reflects all too clearly the drop in record sales.

So what can the industry learn from O Brother? Probably nothing. For one thing, authenticity can't be cloned without turning it into "authenticity," and smart listeners can hear quotation marks a mile away. For another, record executives must be among the slowest learners on the planet. Only 5% of major-label releases make a profit; a big company needs to sell 500,000 copies of a CD just to break even. Hmm: could any of this have to do with dumb decisions? Virgin Records bought Mariah Carey for $US80m in 2001, only to give her an extra $US28m last month to go away. Meanwhile, Sheryl Crow and Don Henley have felt compelled to found the new Recording Artists' Coalition, an organization of high-profile performers hoping to protect musicians from their own labels. No wonder Michael Nathanson, a media analyst specializing in the music business at the finanical firm of Sanford C. Bernstein & Co., advises his clients not to invest in the recording industry. "I never thought it would get this bad this fast," Nathanson says, "but it has."

The record companies have responded to the rise of digital technology with similar adroitness. The CD is cheaper to produce than the LP, but they thought you wouldn't find that out, so they priced it higher. Then consumers discovered you could copy, download and swap digitized information with no generational loss. When the cows were already out of the barn, record companies came up with their own online schemes, but these were much more limited and harder to use than Napster and other free file-sharing sites. And now you can go to Audiogalaxy.com and download whole CD box sets (including booklets and cover art) free of charge in the form of Zip files.

At last week's ceremonies, Grammy president Michael Greene was both cheered and booed for an onstage rant against digital file-sharing. In a way, you had to sympathize with the guy: it's a lose-lose situation. Last year blank CDs outsold prerecorded ones. Two out of five music consumers own a CD burner. About the same number say they downloaded rather than paid for most of the music they listened to last year. And young people – the industry's most coveted demographic – spend much more time on the computer than at Tower Records. "My 14-year-old cousin has never bought a CD in his life," says Moby, whose 1999 Play has sold more than 8 million legal copies. "Most younger people see music as being free. For them, it has always been free. The implications for the music business are staggering."

Over the past 10 years, that business has become scarily monolithic. Just five corporations now control more than 80% of the $US14.3 billion-a-year industry. They own the record labels, the radio stations and music-TV networks that play the records, and often the print and broadcast media and the online services that publicize and disseminate them. And, paradoxically, some also make the gizmos that let you pirate them. If your "local" top 40 radio station (which may now play only 25 songs) isn't owned by Clear Channel (which has nearly 1200 stations in the United States), it's probably owned by Viacom (a mere 186, but it also owns MTV, which owns the hearts and minds of millions of teenagers).

Such stations, as identical as Gap stores and McDonald's franchises, exist not to turn you on to cool new music, but to keep you from turning them off before the commercials; that's why the stuff they play is so robotic and formulaic. "It's like a spiral," says Peter Edge (no relation to U2's The), the A&R executive who signed Alicia Keys. "It starts with corporate pressure for labels to have more results because they're owned by bodies that want to keep squeezing more profit." So, corporate HQ demands you sell large numbers of records. You do that by putting out music predictable enough for radio and MTV. This music, promoted by endless, ubiquitous airplay, outsells the competition. And soon there's nothing within earshot except what Edge calls "McMusic" – such mass-marketed, replaceable confections as 'NSync and O-Town, or such calculatedly "alternative" outfits as the hack rap-rock of Linkin Park.

Or at least that's the current model. And it may still work for a while with customers too undiscriminating or unenterprising to ferret out more demanding and rewarding music with the help of public and college radio stations, music journalists, remote corners of the Internet – or, like, you know, friends? But one subtext of this year's Grammys was the backlash against McMusic even among the people whose salaries it pays: not just Stanley and O Brother, but such smart, individualistic and sometimes spiky artists as OutKast (rap album), Lucinda Williams (female rock vocalist), Dolly Parton (female country vocalist), Bob Dylan (contemporary folk album) and India.Arie (seven nominations). And 2001 saw some other surprise breakthroughs and cult successes: the neo-soul singer Angie Stone, the experimental British band Coldplay or the refreshing rap-electronica group Gorillaz. "I'm not in the 'music sucks zone'," Edge says. "I think there are a lot of really good artists around. I just think people don't dig very deep."

Listening to such artists isn't just about the music: it's the smart people's secret handshake. "You hear it all the time coming out of the mouths of record executives," says Mos Def, the rapper whose solo debut small-label album went gold last year, no thanks to radio and MTV. "'People are stupid, people are stupid.' And people are not. In fact, they're smarter than they've ever been because they have more access to information, more places to get music. They're making up their own minds about what they like, as opposed to what they're told to like. And now the labels are paying for that disrespect. They're finding people are not as tolerant of their bulls – t."

Nobody's saying that popular music needs to be as mountain-pure as Ralph Stanley, or as arty as Bjork. "The marriage of art and commerce, when it's well done, makes for great music," says Moby. "Whether it's Gershwin, the Doors or Public Enemy. Right now, things are out of whack in both directions. It's either willfully obscure or willfully commercial. As much as I love Radiohead, I wish they had a couple of hit singles on their last album so I could hear them on the radio instead of O-Town." And Danny Goldberg, former CEO of Mercury Records Group and champion of Nirvana and the Beastie Boys (and, apparently, a reader of Shelley), sees hope in the industry's current hard times. "Look, everything changes," he says. "Ozymandias crumbled. But times of crisis sometimes provide the best art. For people who want a quick return on their investment, it's not the greatest thing. But for people who care about culture, it can only have a silver lining." H. L. Mencken said nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. But the music industry seems to be doing its damnedest to prove him wrong. It could be a beautiful thing.

With Julie Scelfo and John Horn.

© 2002 Newsweek, Inc.

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MUSIC TRIVIA

The Motown female group The Supremes, which dominated the pop charts in the 1960's, was originally called The Primettes.

According to Margaret Jones, author of a Patsy Cline biography, there are a dozen places in Virginia that could claim to be the hometown of the nomadic Cline. Her family moved 19 times before she was 15.

When the Yardbirds broke up in 1968, Jimmy Page was left to honor the band's commitments, performing as The New Yardbirds. The group eventually evolved into Led Zeppelin.

At age 47, the Rolling Stones’ bassist, Bill Wyman, began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith, with her mother's blessing. Six years later, they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year. Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen married Mandy's mother, age 46. That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother. If Bill and Mandy had remained married, Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law and his own grandpa.

The brass family of instruments include the trumpet, trombone, tuba, cornet, flügelhorn, French horn, saxhorn, and sousaphone. While they are usually made of brass today, in the past they were made of wood, horn, and glass.

Most toilets flush in E flat.

The rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd took their name from a high school teacher named Leonard Skinner who had suspended several students for having long hair.

According to Beatles producer George Martin, Neal Hefti's catchy composition of the 1960's "Batman" Emmy-winning theme song inspired George Harrison to write the hit song "Taxman."

At the tender age of 7, the multi-award-winning composer and pianist Marvin Hamlisch ("The Way We Were," "The Sting") was one of the youngest students ever admitted to the renowned Juilliard School of Music in New York City.

In the band KISS, Gene Simmons was "The Demon", Paul Stanley was "Star Child", Ace Frehley was "Space Man", and Peter Criss was "The Cat.

The song "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" was written by George Graff, who was German, and was never in Ireland in his life.

The famous Russian composer Aleksandr Borodin was also a respected chemistry professor in St. Petersburg.

In 1992, Sarah Ophelia Colley Cannon, better known to country music fans as singer/comedienne Minnie Pearl, was awarded a National Medal of Arts by President George Bush. In 1994, Minnie became the first woman to be inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame. She was too frail and sick to attend the ceremony, and so good friend and comedian George Lindsey ("Goober") accepted the award for her. She died in 1996 at age 83.

Bill Haley and the Comets, one of rock and roll's pioneer groups actually began their career's as Bill Haley's Saddle Pals - a country music act.

The voice of Tony the Tiger is Thurl Ravenscroft, who also sang the "Rotten Mr. Grinch" song in the movie, "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas". He was also narrator for Disney's "A Spooky Night in Disney's Haunted Mansion" album. He performed for many Disney attractions including: voice of Fritz the parrot in "The Enchanted Tiki Room, " lead singer in "Grim Grinning Ghosts" in the Haunted Mansion, narrator on Monorail. He was the voice for the Disneyland LP based on the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride. The flip side of this LP contained a number of sea chanties he sang.

In 1939 Irving Berlin composed a Christmas song but thought so little of it that he never showed it to anybody. He just tossed it into a trunk and didn't see fit to retrieve it until he needed it for a Bing Crosby-Fred Astaire movie, HOLIDAY INN 10 years later.
Bing Crosby was a staunch Catholic and at first refused to sing the song because he felt it tended to commercialize Christmas. He finally agreed, took eighteen minutes to make the recording, and then the "throw-away" song become an all-time hit.
Crosby's version has sold over 40 million copies. All together, this song has appeared in 750 versions, selling 6 million copies of sheet music and 90,000,000 recordings ,just in the United States and Canada.
You might not recognize the song from the movie HOLIDAY INN...or from the composer's name of Irving Berlin. But you're bound to know it because it's on everyone's list of Christmas favorites: WHITE CHRISTMAS.

Dark Side of The Moon (a Pink Floyd album) stayed on the top 200 Billboard charts for 741 weeks! That is 14 years.

Brian Setzer, of the Brian Setzer Orchestra, started out in a garage band called Merengue.

"Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.

The horse's name in the song Jingle Bells is Bobtail.

No one knows where Mozart is buried.

The Beatles featured two left handed members, Paul, whom everyone saw holding his Hoffner bass left handed, and Ringo, whose left handedness is at least partially to blame for his 'original' drumming style.

Tommy James was in a New York hotel looking at the Mutual of New York building’s neon sign flashing repeatedly: M-O-N-Y. He suddenly got the inspiration to write his #1 hit, 'Mony Mony'

Tickets for Frank Sinatra’s first solo performance at the Paramount Theatre in New York City in 1942, sold for 35 cents each.

Jim Morrison found the name "The Doors" for his rock band in the title of Aldous Huxley's book "The Doors of Perception", which extolls the use of hallucinogenic drugs.

The Granny Smith apple was used as the symbol for the Beatles' Apple Records label.

Verdi wrote the opera Aida at the request of the khedive of Egypt to commemorate the opening of the Suez canal.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song "Happy Birthday".

John Lennon named his band the Beatles after Buddy Holly's 'Crickets.'

The Beatles played the Las Vegas Convention Center in 1964. Some 8,500 fans paid just $4 each for tickets.

Jonathan Houseman Davis, lead singer of Korn, was born a Presbyterian, but converted to Catholic because his mother wanted to marry his stepfather in a Catholic church. He was also a member of his high school's bagpipe band. (For those of you who have been to Hume Lake's Christian Camps, if you know Cliff, the guy in charge, he was the guy who taught Jonathan Davis to play the bagpipe.)

"When I'm Sixty Four" was the first song to be recorded for the Sgt. Pepper album. "Within You Without You" was the last.

Jazz began in the 20th century, when bands in New Orleans began to apply the syncopated rhythms of ragtime to a variety of other tunes. In the first days of jazz, ensemble playing was emphasized. Only gradually did jazz come to be based on improvised solos.

The song with the longest title is ‘I’m a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank on the Streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu Mama Doin’ Those Beat-o, Beat-o Flat-On-My-Seat-o, Hirohito Blues’ written by Hoagy Carmichael in 1943. He later claimed the song title ended with "Yank" and the rest was a joke.

Nick Mason is the only member of Pink Floyd to appear on all of the band's albums.

The Beatles appear at the end of "The Yellow Submarine" in a short live action epilogue. Their voices for the cartoon movie were done by Paul Angelis (Ringo), Peter Batten (George), John Clive (John), and Geoffrey Hughes (Paul).
When the producers approached the Beatles about this film, the group, which hated the TV cartoon show of them, agreed to it only as a easy way of completing their movie contract. As such, they contributed only a few old songs and four quickly produced numbers, Only a Northern Song, Hey Bulldog, All Together Now, and It's All Too Much. However, when they saw the finished film, they were so impressed by it that they decided to appear in a short live action epilogue to the film.
Peter Batten was a deserter from the British Army at the time of the creation of the film. In the final weeks of production, he was arrested for desertion, and Paul Angelis had to finish voicing the part of George.

In every show that Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt (The Fantasticks) did there was at least one song about rain.

The Beatles song 'A day in the life' ends with a note sustained for 40 seconds.

"Memory", has become a contemporary classic. It's been recorded more than 600 times, including as international hit recordings for such artists as Barbra Streisand, Barry Manilow and Judy Collins, among many others. It's most recent incarnations underline its diverse and universal appeal: as a #1 dance smash by European chanteuse Natalie Grant, and as a duet for Placido Domingo and Natalie Cole during a live telecast of the tenor's world tour.

Elvis Presley's hit recording of "Love Me Tender" entered Billboard's pop charts in October 1956. It stayed on the charts for 19 weeks, and was in the Number 1 spot for five of those weeks. The song, from Presley's debut film with the same title, was adapted from the tune "Aura Lee," which had been written back in 1861.

An eighteenth-century German named Matthew Birchinger, known as the little man of Nuremberg, played four musical instruments including the bagpipes, was an expert calligrapher, and was the most famous stage magician of his day. He performed tricks with the cup and balls that have never been explained. Yet Birchinger had no hands, legs, or thighs, and was less than 29 inches tall.

Montgomery is the birthplace of music great Nat King Cole, pop singers Clarence Carter and Toni Tenille, Metropolitan Opera singer Nell Rankin, and blues legend Willie Mae Big Mama Thornton.

Beethoven's Fifth, was the first symphony to include trombones.

EMI stands for ' Electrical and Musical Instruments'.

The only musical instrument you play without touching it is called the theremin. The technology is simple: when activated, the theremin generates a sonic field around a small antenna that sticks out vertically from the top. When you put your hand closer to the antenna, the sound field is broken and the unit emits a high-pitched, electronic wail-that's the music. Different varieties of pitch are achieved by placing your hand closer to the antenna and moving it away. When your hand approaches the antenna, a low pitch will be created. As your hand gets nearer the antenna, the pitch becomes higher. (It's easily recognized for its spooky "ooo-eee-ooo" sound. You know it if you've heard the Beach Boys song "Good Vibrations.")

Brian Epstein, a record store owner in London, was asked by a customer for a copy of the record, "My Bonnie", by a group known as The Silver Beatles. He didn’t have it in stock so he went to the Cavern Club to check out the group. He signed to manage them in a matter of days and renamed them The Beatles.

In 1976 Rodrigo's 'Guitar Concierto de Aranjuez' was No 1 in the UK for only three hours because of a computer error.

George Anthiel composed film scores, but earlier in his life he had been an avant garde composer. In 1924 his "Ballet mecanique" was performed at Carnegie Hall. The work was scored for a fire siren, automobile horns, and an airplane propeller. After only a few minutes of this racket, an aging gentleman in the orchestra seats tied his handkerchief to his cane and began waving a white flag.

The Beach Boys formed in 1961.

The Beatles performed their first U.S. concert in Carnegie Hall.

The leading female singer in an opera is called the prima donna.

Elvis Presley received his U.S. army discharge on March 5, 1960.

Mass murderer Charles Manson recorded an album called "Lie."

Vaudevillian Jack Norworth wrote "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in 1908 after seeing a sign on a bus advertising BASEBALL TODAY - POLO GROUNDS. Norworth and his friend Albert von Tilzer (who write the music) had never been to a baseball game before his song became a hit sing-along.

The Japanese national anthem is expressed in only four lines. The Greek anthem runs 158 verses.

John Philip Sousa enlisted in the Marines at age 13. He worked as an apprentice in the band.

At age 14, George Harrison joined his friend Paul McCartney's band, the Quarry Men, led by John Lennon.

Dances with twisting motions accompanied jazz as far back as Jelly Roll Morton. The Paul Williams Saxtet - a sax-intensive jazz combo - recorded a two-sided 78 called "The Twister." Chubby Checker wasn't even the first man to record the song "The Twist." Hank Ballard was, in 1959.

At age 15, Jerry Garcia swapped his birthday accordion for an electric guitar.

At age 4, Mozart composed a concerto for the clavier.

At age 22, Jerry Lee Lewis married for the third time. His bride? His thirteen year old cousin.

In 1764 Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart played for the Royal Family at Versailles in France. He was even given the honor of standing behind the Queen at dinner - Mozart was only eight years old.

Through the mid-1500s in France, the lute was still the favorite instrument, but in 1555, Balthazar de Beujoyeux, the first famous violinist in history, brought a band of violinists to Catherine's de MÉdicis court and made violin music popular.

Paul McCartney's younger brother, Michael, formed a group of his own, known as "The Scaffold" and goes by the name "Mike McGear". He is mentioned in the lyric of "Let 'Em In" as "Brother Michael" (available on McCartney's "Wings At The Speed Of Sound" album).

The Beatles held the Top Five spots on the April 4th, 1964 Billboard singles chart. They're the only band that has ever done that.

The most recorded song of all time - with more than 2,000 versions - is 'Yesterday'. Included on the 'Help!' soundtrack, it was number one for four weeks in 1965.

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The Mandolin is the bottom four strings of the guitar, backwards...so a person with dyslexia has no problem learning to play the Mandolin.
--Steve Goodman