POEMS PRAYERS & PROMISES

Letter To Mom
In the winter of 1998 I made the hardest decision of my life....Mom would be moved to the nursing home! It was a decision that was not made lightly...I struggled with it for many sleepless nights. But in the end I realized I had to have help. Mom had become in every way the opposite of who she was before Alzheimer's! I was no longer able to control her violent actions toward myself and others. During her life time she was the gentlest woman, showing nothing but respect and love for others, but Alzheimer's had now taken it's toll. I struggled with the thought that by sending her to a nursing home I was actually giving up and forsaking her....I also felt that no one else could care for her as I was trying to do. She had become the child and I had become the mother! How does one turn their child or mother over to someone else to look after until the end????

On December 28th I took her to where her home would now be knowing that nothing would ever be the same! On that day I wrote a letter to her knowing that she would never read it nor understand what I wanted to say!

Dear Mom, I did something today that I am not proud of. I know that you will never understand this but....I have to tell you I am sorry. Many years ago you gave birth to me. You cared for me and loved me and protected me while teaching me the greatest gift of life, LOVE. You gave up part of your life for me so that you could do all of these things. I don't know if I ever really told you how grateful I was to you for all of this....and now it is too late. I can tell you but I don't know if you would really understand me. I remember after your grandsons came along, one day when I was having a tough day, I called you and told you how sorry I was if I had ever given you a hard time while I was growing up. Only then did I truly appreciate what motherhood was all about. Years went by and I spent much of my time raising my own family. Doing many of the same things you had done for me. I gave up my career to stay home with my children and give them the same love that you had given me. I was there for you when you had two heart surgeries and when you lost your love, my father. And you were there when I needed you for any reason. The years went by so fast and you found a companion. I was happy for you....now you had someone to love you and care for you again. But I also remember being annoyed with you at times....we rarely spent time together anymore. You never seemed to want to leave him. I didn't realize what was going on. Now I know it was all part of this dreaded disease. I knew you were forgetting things but I never realized how bad it was. 14 months ago I brought you home to live with us. I knew I could make you happy and care for you until the end. I didn't know then how very hard it would be. I had no idea of the emotional ride we would all be on. Every constant moment was spent caring for you and yes, at times, I complained. I really wanted to do this for you until the end. I wanted you to feel loved and to care for you the best I could.
Today I took you to a nursing home and left you. I turned away from you and just walked out. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyone told me I had to give you to others to care for you. I needed to have a life and to be able to care for my family. But does that make sense? You are my family and are in the greatest need of care and love right now. My husband knows I love him and my kids are grown and fully understand that I love them. They are able to care for themselves and make decisions on their own. They don't need my constant attention anymore. I guess my friends are worried about my health and therefore encouraged me to do this. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought. I guess I really did need help. Maybe you will be happier there. I can only pray that you are. I pray that somehow you know that I do love you with all my heart. I pray that you will feel the love of all that tend to you. And I pray that all who tend you know that you are a mother, a sister, a daughter, a person who still has needs and feelings. That they treat you with only kindness and patience and love! I am sitting in your room wondering what you are feeling right now. I am sure you are more confused than ever and afraid. You may not have remembered me but I was a familiar face in a sea of confusion. I pray you quickly find a kind face who you can trust for your care and who will give you love where you are. I am so sorry it came to this, that I was not a stronger person. Please dear God I pray that he will let you see that you are loved and will never be alone! All my love, Your daughter, Brenda

I soon discovered that this place I had entrusted her care with was actually a nice place! I came to know and love those who cared for her and made many close friends there. They treated mom as if she was a family member of their own. These are poems I wrote about either other residents or the nursing home staff itself. My prayer is that if you are struggling with thoughts of placing a loved one outside of your home in any facility, that you come to know peace as I did. As a caregiver, even we have our limits and when it becomes impossible there is no shame is saying "I need help" You are free to continue in helping with their care. You can get as involved as you want....they welcome the help and the input by family members. Trust me... it is normal to feel heavy guilt but eventually you see that it was okay...really!!!!!

Mom and Minnie on Mom's birthday 1999

WALK SOFTLY

Walk softly as you enter these halls
There is much more here than just four walls
Shhhhhhh Listen very carefully .....
So much more is evident to me! We have

placed our loved ones here to stay
and here they will remain until that final day!
When they go home to the heavens above
Surrounded by God and all of his love

Listen, listen very carefully
Open your eyes and you too will see.
There are angels here, they are all about
Sent from God, there is no doubt!

A very gentle touch, a soft kiss on the cheek
their care is the same for the strong or the meek
They always have time to hold a hand
reach out to touch, to make you feel grand

They are all Angels sent from above.
To show so many the meaning of love!
With kindness and patience they take on the day
Showing so much love in every little way

A very special calling by these angels on earth
to make us all feel that there still is some worth
When the road gets rough and we are ready to fall
Just look around you and see the angels on call

So take the time to look and see
Indeed, listen , listen very carefully
Those are the sounds of Angels wings
Take time to thank GOD for the peace each one brings!

WONDERING AS I WATCH

Today I watched the others sitting by my side
All around the table, there was nothing to hide
You nodded off in sleep and so I looked about
Wondering who these people were, before they became filled with doubt

Anne always smiling while looking for mom and dad
and I can't help thinking .... just how very sad
that she too had children but they are no longer there
for in her mind she is the child who doesn't have a care

Jack sits quietly singing as he looks around
never skipping a beat, as every word he found
And it amazes me that songs always come out
but if you ask his name, he looks at you in doubt

Ed sits quietly, always ready with a smile
His wife of almost 60 years is there to walk the mile
as he travels down this road, she is there,
beside him..... The pain together they will bear.

Betty sits and talks to all who are near
Never acting as though she has any fear
Did you bring the bike? she says to anyone sitting there
and when a response comes she seems happy that they share

June sits and talks in a very nervous way
always asking questions but never sure of what to do or say
Do I watch TV now or do I take a drink?
Just reassure me please so I do not have to think

Lives that once were full with meaning, now are forever lost
and it saddens me to think just how high the cost
All the lives that are slipping through the sands of time
Reminds me of the reality and the disease which has no rhyme

For somewhere trapped within each soul
is a life that once was real and whole
Little by little it is slipping away
and the price seems so unfair to pay

But I will continue to sit by her side
and whatever comes, together we will abide
for somewhere deep within her shell
is the mother I once knew before this hell

None of them now have control
of the body they are in, but they still have their soul
So with all of the dignity and respect they deserve
I will show them my love and hold nothing in reserve

NOT Saying good-bye, Only see you soon!

As I look around and see each of your faces
Knowing full well I am headed for unfamiliar places
I know the losses that I have taken here
But I know the gains which my heart holds so dear

So many of you have become so close to me
And you felt the pain that you knew would be
But you reached out your hands and took hold of mine
Just as you did with mom, no one could miss the sign

God sends us Angels to help along the way
Touching us and loving us without having to say
What is in our hearts which have joined as one
A lasting friendship like a birth has begun

Although the road I now must walk on
Appears dark and narrow and all seems gone
I have only to remember each of you
Your friendships and your love will help get me through

So as I leave and walk away
To begin a new life with a brand new day
I want you to know just how special you are
For you really are angels, like a bright shiny star

In case you don't know and your halo you can't find
Well never mind looking deep inside your mind
To look in a mirror will still not reveal the real you
For your heart is the place that your love is shone true!

So Thank you momma for bringing me here
So I may know the Angels who helped remove some fear
And God, I thank you too, for giving me new friends
For the friendships you bond, have no ends.

So as I turn today and seem to walk away,
I want you to know that I will return someday.
I love each and everyone of you and did from the start,
For you touched more than just mom, you also took my heart!

Judy and Mom headed for a ride!

IT IS THE LOVE

You go about your work, never seeming to be down
Never have I seen you.....even wear a frown
Unending love....I have seen you give out
A real heart of gold, of that there is no doubt.
I have seen you....bend to kiss a cheek
I have seen you....tenderly lift up the weak
I have seen you reach out and take a hand
and talk to each as if you understand
No mere man could do this on their very own
A heavenly light upon you....truly GOD has shone
To care for those intrusted to you with tender loving care
With a heart so full of love.... willingly you share.
YOU are a special child of GOD, you may not even know
it takes a special gift .... the gift of LOVE you show.
So carry on your daily work, my dear
so that to all who see you....it will be made clear
Your job here on earth is to pass out the LOVE
That GOD entrusted to you from above
So take his hand as you walk along
For he alone can make you strong.
For in the job that you now do
They feel the love that is passed from you.
That little kiss upon the cheek, a touch upon the hand
It is the love of GOD my dear that they will understand.

Written for Judy Woods @ Nursing Home
© 1999 Brenda Race

TIME STANDS STILL

Little Dottie, Sweet Little Dottie
she is the picture of a perfect grandmother
her arms enfolded so gently around the baby she carries
So tender and caring as she sometimes stops and tarries
Down the hall she walks until the babe sleeps

still holding gently to her breast this baby she keeps
There she meets Theo and they stop as they look into each others eyes
There is a tenderness exchanged there
as they take each others hands

It is as intense as two teenagers in love
He gives a little grin and she a little laugh
He looks into the eyes of the baby
and you can see a love contained there

He tilts his head just a little towards the baby
as if trying to get its attention
Did you feed the baby he asks
and Dottie gives a nod

He reaches for the wee small fingers of the doll
expecting it to return his warmth
then he grins and goes on his way
and for a moment you wonder what they were thinking

In his mind was this the wife he once had
and he the husband of her past
For a moment there was a special connection there
as they looked into each others eyes

1999 Brenda Race **Written for Dottie

TELL ME PLEASE

As I enter the halls I look around
Hoping and praying that some sanity will be found
Many who know me seem happy I am there
Wandering about....seeming to be without care.

I used to rush in and to each give a hug and a kiss
But the more I go....the harder this is
For I know the fate of each one there
and knowing the facts makes it harder to bear

With each passing day I see a decline
Just a little more taken from each, a snip at a time
This thing is so senseless with no reason to be
So I plead to you God, please let them be free

I look at my mother and I see the same
she is no longer there....only by name
So I turn to you God and again I ask
Why God....for you this cannot be so great a task

There has to be a purpose for all that I see
But God just tell me what it could be
TALK to me and tell me why
Because I do not understand as hard as I try.

I know that life is not always fair
and in my heart I know that you care
You watched your son hang on a cross and die
but you knew the reason, you knew the why.

So forgive me God as I question you so
you have the answer....there is nowhere else to go
Give me the wisdom, the insight to see
Just why is it that they cannot be free?

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