“Get the fuck back in Tool, goddammit.” – Me
“It’s like being called a bunch of fucks.” – Billy Howerdel, on his band’s being a labeled a “supergroup”
Albums Reviewed:
Lineup? Honestly, I have no idea, and I don’t really care all that much. The principal musical mind of APC is Billy Howerdel, who was Tool’s guitar tech (ha, “supergroup” my ass) before he lured Maynard away. I believe he’s the skinny bald dude in your picture above. I also believe the original (but not current) bassist was one Paz Lenchantin, who later joined Billy Corgan’s short-lived Zwan project thingy with the gay album cover, and James Iha, formerly second guitarist in that other band Billy Corgan was in, is currently also in APC for some reason, and is on the far right of the picture either a) bored or b) confused by Maynard’s hair. I make reference to my confusion about this (his being in the band, not Maynard’s hair) at the end of my Thirteenth Step review. Other than Maynard and Howerdel, though, as far as I know this could be a Foo Fighters-esque revolving door situation, and if any APC fans want to educate me on the subject, they’re welcome to send me an email. Because I don’t really feel like looking that stuff up right now.
And, onto the reviews!
Mer De Noms (2000)
Rating: 7
Best Song: “3 Libras”
I guess
Maynard was keeping himself busy during that five year hiatus! He FORMED A WHOLE OTHER BAND! Unfortunately,
The first thing you
notice is its length, or lack thereof.
Forty-four minutes is the running time for a normal album, I realize,
but Aenima and Lateralus are both
seventy-five-plus minute behemoths, instead of a collection of twelve pretty
good rock songs. When I was in the
process of downloading this bitch here, I noticed that there were twelve
tracks, and thus figured the record would be at LEAST sixty-five to seventy
minutes. Imagine my shock when I saw
twelve songs, none exceeding five minutes, in my Winamp player! SHOCKING!
Now, ofcourse, I’m not a freak who has a personal required six-minute
level for a song to be good (the Beatles, ahem, aren’t bad at all, I think, and
they went for the short songs!), but a lot of the tunes here just aren’t that
great, at least compared to Tool’s best work.
Come on, Maynard, you’re better than “Rose” or “
One thing about this
record is better than any Tool material, however, and that is the singing. On Tool records, Maynard yells a lot. He sings some, but mostly he just yells a
lot. He has a good yell, don’t get me
wrong, but he has a GODLIKE singing voice.
The only song on which he yells more than sings is “Judith,” which is,
not coincidentally, the only song here that sounds like Tool. It’s also one of the best, for whatever
that’s worth. Being a hardcore atheist,
I, ofcourse, love the lyrics. “FUCK YOUR
GOD!!!!” Shit yeah, Maynard. I’ve got no problem with religion in general,
though. Except that it’s stupid, that’s
all. And my father is a REVEREND!!! How ‘bout that!
But, yes, back to
Maynard’s new-found singery-ness. “The
Hollow” opens up the record with a great example of this. He overdubs a whooooooole bunch of himself
over himself, and it sounds fucking NEAT.
I guess this is where he learned to multi-track himself, on his vacation
as a quasi-pop (but not really) singer.
It sure worked on “Schism!” And
it REALLY works on “Orestes” here, specifically the “give me one more medicated
me peaceful moooomeeeeeeent” chorus. You
know, if I had a nickel for every time Maynard sang the word “moment” in a
song, I think I’d have a few-hundred nickels.
He says it a LOT, you know, but I guess he doesn’t in “3 Libras,” which
might show off Maynard’s vocal talents more than any other song here. “EEEEYYYYYYYYES of a fallen angel! EEEEYYYYYYYES of a traaagedy!” That’s some beautiful shit, yo. Oh well.
And there’s some
acoustic guitar, and some strings, and a flute/recorder thingy too, all in that
song! Whoever the fuck Maynard’s bandmates
are here, they’ve come up with more varied instrumentation than the average
Tool album here. Only, like, HALF the
songs are based on a sludgy electric guitar, instead of all of them. Ofcourse, when they do break out the
electric, it sounds about 1/10 as good as the shit that Adam Jones plays. And the drummer sounds like a real drummer,
instead of some crazy tribesman playing impossible bongo rhythms. Unfortunately, I prefer Danny “The Crazy
Tribesman” Carey to whoever the hell this schmuck is. It’s a Maynard-sung album WITHOUT THE SCARY
BONGOS! WHERE are the scary bongos? Dammit.
So, I guess, this is an album. And it has some songs. And some of them are good. And some of them aren’t. And Maynard James Keenan happens to sing the
vocals for it. That’s really the best
way to describe it. Thankfully, I don’t
think this side-project will be taking up any more of dear Maynard’s time. Their bassist (some guy (note: apparently
she’s a chick…and a HOT one at that!) names Paz…what the fuck kind of a name is
THAT) is now in Billy Corgan’s new band Zwan (what the fuck kind of a name is
THAT), who will probably suck, but whose first album I’ll probably buy because
Billy Corgan was a goddamn incredible songwriter five or six years ago. “Machina” sucked, though.
James Tarkington (tark4379853@yahoo.com) writes:
I
just read your review of tool, which coicidently also has a review of a perfect
circle as well with it. You put in lyrics to the song Judith from APCs
first album. I just thought Id let you know that its not Mr. Maynard who
say "FUCK YOUR GOD!!!!" that would be Billy Howerdel who says
that. He also says the "HE DID THIS!!!" part. I thought
it was however cool tho, when Mr. Maynard played on his words with the next
lyrics, after "FUCK YOUR GOD!!!" Maynard says "your lord, yourd
christ" and after "HE DID THIS!!!" Maynard says "took what
you had" and then Billy comes in again, and Maynard again, and Billy
again, a couple more times. I just thought Id throw that little bit of
info for you to ponder. Or whatever.
I
totally agreed on everything you said about tool in your review. They
just get better and better with each album. Although, I know that
Lateralus is better than Aenema, but they are different types of albums.
I dont really feel like you can compare them to each other. Which Ive
already done wrongly.
Thirteenth Step (2003)
Rating: 8
Best Song: “The Nurse Who Loved
Me”
Fuckdammit,
Maynard. Goddamn you and your stupid
WAIT! This album is GOOD! Ha! Definitely better than the last Perfect Circle album. Better than Undertow! Better than Salival! Not too shabby, Maynard! I’m glad that the band that’s keeping you from making any freaking albums with Tool so that the next one will be released in 2056 is making good, solid, enjoyable records themselves. That’s a good thing. Because, if this album had sucked, I’d have tracked down Billy Howerdel and then…then…done absolutely nothing. Because I’m a wimp. Or maybe I’d leave a bag of flaming dog poo at his doorstep. No one likes flaming dog poo! That’d give him the message! Yeah!
Again, thankfully, I don’t have to do something like that (though maybe I will anyway…) because I enjoy this record here right fine, sho’ nuff. This is possibly because it’s a bit more atmospheric, cohesive, and, well, Tool-like than El mar de los nombres, but eh. Should that surprise you? That I like it more because it sounds more like Tool? No! Because Tool are good. They write nice, complex, freaky-sounding 7-minute epic tunes like this album’s opener “The Package,” which starts with some neat little spooky percussion goodness before erupting into full-on METAL RIFFING FURY in its second half. “MINE!!!! MINE!!!!!! MINE!!!!!!” Cool. I like a good scary Maynard yell, don’t you?
There’s a fair number of hard-hitting vintage Tool-ish rock tracks throughout this puppy, though the rest of them are shorter and more Perfect Circle-ish than “UPS man here. Who ordered the package?” For instance, “Weak and Powerless” is a boig winner, and is also so obviously the first single that I, a complete moron with an IQ of approximately 4, was able to tell immediately that it was the first single. I was then proven right when I heard it on the radio, and my IQ shot up to 4.26 (where it will remain until I leave Harvard and it plummets down to negative numbers once again…not that I know what negative numbers are, since I have an IQ of 4.26). “The Outsider” and “Pet” are probably the hardest tracks left, and several others rock in a fairly straight-ahead fashion we’ve come to know and grudgingly tolerate from that other band Maynard’s in, such as “Blue,” which has a neat guitar tone going on (I say something has a neat guitar tone when I can’t think of anything else to say about it, by the way). “The Noose” is a real standout, too (my 2nd favorite song here, probably), and the string orgasm in its second half is some more well-trod upon APC territory, but, ooooo, the first half is NEAT!!! All moody and atmospheric and crap. Maynard has a perfect voice for stuff like this. “And not to pull your haaaaloooooooo down.” Very nice (I quote a song’s lyric when I can’t think of anything else to say about it, by the way).
That’s what I enjoy about this album, the atmosphere. See, it’s a concept album (at least I think it’s a concept album) about addiction and whatnot (and twelve step programs, hence the oh-so-clever album title!), and so the music is suitably atmospheric, as one might expect from an artsy concept album about drug addiction. Sometimes, this fails (“Crimes” and “Lullaby” are nothing but short atmospheric pseudo-instrumental nothings that blow white goats rich in fat to be slaughtered and sacrificed at the divine altar of Athena), but other times…well, HOOOO! “The Stranger” is a super-duper-pretty little atmospheric acoustic thing, and it shows off the godlike voice of Mr. Maynard James Keenan better than any other tune here, and “The Nurse Who Loved Me” just sounds absolutely nothing like any song I’ve ever heard before in my entire life. I used to think it was a dumb string-filled atmosphere nothing track that sucked, but now I think it’s flabbergastingly cool and unique, and without a doubt the best song on the record. It just seems so out of place! But in a COOL way! Or something. The instrumentation is handled completely by weird string lines, percussion that sounds like the love child of a glockenspiel and a pair of bongos, and some pretty, high-pitched female background vocals that sounds almost like tape loops left over from Radiohead’s Kid A sessions. And Maynard’s vocals are all treated and meshed with the instrumentation to make the song an experience unto itself. I really think it’s brilliant, and the lyrics are probably the neatest I’ve heard in a while, presumably about a recovering junkie’s relationship with the nurse treating him. “She acts just like a nurse…with all the other guys!” I really love this song. And you’ll probably hate it and say I’m a moron (I did at first). But I really love this song.
Good album, this. I don’t even mind its existence and the fact that it probably pushed back the next Tool album another decade by being made. I mean, when I finish writing this review, I might not listen to it again for months because the new Strokes album is still on near-continuous repeat in my stereo (read: computer), but very solid record nonetheless. Way to go, Maynard!
Oh, and why the hell is James Iha in this band now?
eMOTIVe (2004)
Rating: 4
Best Song: “Fiddle
And The Drum”
OK, so I can understand why
Maynard wanted to go and make this record (and release it on election day! Too bad Fuckface W. Douchenuts won
again). He’s a super-mega-outspoken liberal
who hates Dubya as much as anyone in the music business who isn’t a member of
System of a Down. With both Tool (who he
really should be getting back with
soon, goddammit) and
Unfortunately,
he fucked a lot of it up. You know why “No
Quarter” worked so well when Tool covered it?
Because it’s dark and evil-sounding! It’s already like halfway to being a Tool song
anyway. Hell, it wouldn’t have even
worked as well had
For instance, have you ever listened to “Imagine” and thought “gee, that’d sound great if it was played in all minor chords and sounded suicidal?” Or have you ever heard “What’s Going On?” wafting through your speakers and thought “this song’d sound better if it had no groove at all and a bunch of industrial sounds in it. Fuck soul music?” No, you haven’t. But apparently Maynard James Keenan has. To the credit of Maynard, John Lennon, and Marvin Gaye, however, both of these treatments shockingly turn out at least halfway acceptable. Is either anywhere near the quality of the original? Fuck no! But Maynard’s vocals, when set to “pretty and haunting,” as on these tracks, are exceptional throughout the record, and the songs are of such flabbergastingly high quality to begin with that they’re still decently OK. Maynard actually brings a sort of dark, ugly beauty out of “Imagine” that wasn’t in the original. Ofcourse, the original had just about every other type of beauty imaginable, so maybe I have no point.
I had been planning on giving this album a 5, but then I realized a few things. First, my political beliefs had inserted themselves into my grading scale again, and the fact that I totally agree philosophically with what Maynard’s talking about had influenced the rating. Second, the tracks here I enjoy, for the most part, are actually assraped completely and made about a tenth as good as they used to be, if even that. So I’d be rewarding the original songwriter and letting Maynard off the hook for ruining the song if I graded it generously, and we can’t have that, can we? So I knocked it down. I’m also not gonna lie and claim I know all of these songs in their original incarnations. I probably have a frame of reference for half of them, so I’ve heard “Imagine” and “What’s Going On” and “(What’s So Funny About) Peace, Love and Understanding?” and a few others, but (and if this ruins my “cred,” so be it) I haven’t heard the Black Flag or Devo or Depeche Mode or Fear or Crucifix tunes (listed in descending order of “how much Brad should’ve heard them”). Ofcourse, the ones I haven’t heard are almost uniformly terrible, so that actually works out well. The Black Flag song (“Gimme Gimme Gimme”) is a horrid industrial noise track that is HORRIBLE, SMELLY BULLSHIT, and while none of those others are quite as terrible, they’re still borderline unlistenable. You’d think they’d do a good job with the Depeche Mode song (“People are People”), since the aesthetics of the two bands aren’t actually that different, but it’s not like Depeche Mode is any fucking good, right?
Oh, I suppose the Crucifix song (“Annihilation”) is good and functions well as the album’s opener, but there’s just very little material to recommend here. The band’s two originals (“Passive” and “Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums”) are, respectively, “Another Generic Perfect Circle Song” that sounds exactly like “Judith” or “Weak and Powerless” but not nearly as good and the worst example of horrific industrial noise I’ve heard since something from the Smashing Pumpkins’ Machina phase I’ve completely blocked out of my mind because it sucks so much (and it self-rips its title from the lyrics to “Pet” from Thirteenth Step). The first few tracks on the album (“Imagine,” etc.) are enjoyable only because the original songs are so great and Maynard does a fantastic job with the vocals, and certainly not because of their rearrangements. If you want something cool and interesting here, you have to skip all the way to the album’s last two tracks. Their wholesale reworking of “When the Levee Breaks” into a creepy bundle of atmosphere with soft, treated falsetto “When the levee breeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaks…” vocals is actually very, very nice, and Maynard’s a-cappella version of Joni Mitchell’s “Fiddle and the Drum” is fascinating. As I’ve said before, Maynard’s vocals are by far the best thing about this record, and the way he layers like 5 or 6 copies of himself singing completely different tones throughout the song is simply excellent, gorgeous, and haunting.
However, it’s not like that’s enough to make me recommend this record or anything. It’s a covers album, the only track I can reasonably say comes close to and/or surpasses the original is “Fiddle and the Drum,” and even that is only good as an intriguing genre exercise (because, hey, I’ve never heard Maynard do anything a-cappella before, right?). The rest of the renditions are just poor. I don’t know how long it took to make this thing (I’m guessing not long), but if it pushed back the next Tool album even a few months, Maynard can go fuck himself. GET. BACK. IN. TOOL. Douche.
Kelly Wagner (kel@post.com) writes:
who's the douche?
listen to number seven on aenima. then buy his next record; be it tool or
perfect circle. send more money.