Creed
“You know,
when I started reviewing Creed, my biggest fear was that I’d actually like
them. Thank god I didn’t.” – Me
“Yeah,
thank the lord in heaven for that.” – Al
“CREED
MAKES BABY JESUS CRY.” – Candice
“Mumble mumble mumble
mumble.
*Floats up into air and pretends to be Jesus* MUMBLE MUMBLE
MUMBLE MUMBLE!” – Scott
Fucking Stapp
Albums Reviewed:
I don’t much like Creed, and in fact I’ve alluded to them in a not-so-flattering manner several times thus far on this little site. I believe they’re second to Rush (GEDDY LEE’S VOICE IS SO FUCKING AWFUL!!!!!) in negative put-downs employed for no obvious reason. Then why am I reviewing them, you ask? Well, see, I figured, if I’m gonna lambaste a band so much, I SHOULD give them a fair shot, shouldn’t I? I think so. Don’t get your hopes up, though, all (three) of you Rush fans. They’re not getting covered any time soon. It’s mainly a matter of discography size (Creed’s only released three albums thus far), but it’s also because if I were forced to listen to Geddy Lee sing for more than twenty consecutive minutes I think I’d light myself on fire.
Now, since I know that if any Creed fans stumble across this page I’m opening myself up to rampant flaming by producing this here page, I DID listen to the albums objectively. Counting the time the album was playing as I typed each review, FIVE times each. It was tough, but I did it. I even discovered I kinda like a few of their songs, though most of their output is shit. OBJECTIVELY shit, mind you. If I had done all of this subjectively, every album would have gotten a 1, because I really hate Creed. I mean, I REALLY, REALLY hate Creed. Especially their pretentious, “Look at me! I’m Jesus!” lead singer, “Scott Fucking Stapp,” as I refer to him. I mean, they REALLY have no right whatsoever to act as serious and pretentious as they do, because they have less originality than my left testicle. Still, Stapp goes around comparing his useless little band to LED ZEPPELIN, of all things, something which, as you might guess, irked me just a little bit. If they wanna think they’re the Led Zeppelin of this generation, that’s fine. They’re blowhards. I prefer to think of them as the Journey of this generation, only minus the funny (Go ahead, TRY to listen to “Don’t Stop Believing” without laughing. YOU CAN’T DO IT!). Just bland, unoriginal, million-selling, chart-topping corporate rock. You can keep it, thanks. I’ll keep System Of A Down!
Oh, right,
they have an actual lineup. They aren’t
really the Three Stooges. Well, as I’ve
already mentioned, Scott Fucking Stapp is the lead
vocalist. He sounds like a constipated,
in-the-process-of-passing-a-kidney-stone Eddie Vedder
wannabe. Blerf. They originally started as a quartet with Stapp, guitarist Mark Tremonti
(who I have no opinion on), bassist Brian Marshall (who I have no opinion on),
and drummer Scott Phillips (who is an AWFUL drummer, in my not-so-humble
opinion). After their second record,
And, onto the reviews!
demontree79@hotmail.com writes:
Well
done!
I
thought your creed reviews were fucking hilarious, it was as though i were reading something i'd
written myself.......excellent, hysterical, you hit it right on the head.......
one
thing i would mention though....i
find creeds "music" to be the modern equivalent to disco......for
exactly the reasons you said, their talentless,
color-by-numbers chord progressions are generic beyond comprehension.....any 12
year old kid picking around on his guitar could play a creed song (perhaps thats the scariest thought of all, eh?) just as disco had
the simple bass thud thud thud
creed has their 3 chord sludge....it's fucking terrible....
i must switch the
station when creed comes on, i hate them so fucking
much. the fact that they have become acclaimed and recognized as being
innovators of modern rock chaps my asshole like you wouldnt
believe...
is
there a good anti creed chat room somewhere?
once
again, good work, and keep the faith....hopefully scott
"fucking" stapp (i
found that hilarious as well, dude!) and his merry band of asspluggers
will get phased out before we get too old to care....
Tree
Pedro Andino
(pedroandino@msn.com) writes:
PANSY
METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike Noto (thepublicimage79@hotmail.com)
writes:
I never thought I'd
sympathize with Scott Stapp.
But listen to this.
"When he stepped out of line, his father would make him copy the Psalms
and
Proverbs and then write a commentary about what the passage meant to him."
-
from some magazine called Relevant Magazine
Yikes. I don't want to think about that happening to me.
Mike Noto (thepublicimage79@hotmail.com)
writes:
don't get me wrong, they were the absolute wretched worst
band in the
universe while they were around, and their entire catalog is a bunch of
self-righteous conservative horsewaste, but still I
can kinda sympathize.
That had to have sucked.
My Own Prison (1997)
Rating: 3
Best Song: “What’s This Life For”
I
know this isn’t really a new complaint about Creed, but the main problem I have
with this album is its complete, total, and utter facelessness. Or genericism. Or whatever word you wanna
come up with. I mean, it’s overtly
listenable, except for only like…oh…um, shit…HALF of it. Never mind.
Maybe it’s not always listenable.
Fine. Whatever. What I’m getting at is that, the half of this
record that IS perfectly pleasant on the ears, I mean, it’s just so BLAND. I guess I can see why these guys are so frickin’ famous. I
mean, they’re the ultimate faceless pseudo-neo-grunge band. They have the singer that sounds like Eddie Vedder. They have
the soft/loud dynamics down pat, even though all the soft parts fucking sound
alike (I swear the intro to “Pity For A Dime” is EXACTLY the same thing as the
one to “My Own Prison,” except for those last little three or four notes), and
all the loud parts fucking sound alike (play three or four plodding boring
chords, lather, rinse, repeat, and don’t forget to use THE SAME CHORD SEQUENCE
ON EVERY GODDAMN SONG). And on the songs
where they try to kick ass and play actual riffs during the chorus, they sound
like a subpar
Seriously. “Torn,” “My Own Prison,” and “Pity For A Dime” are the SAME SONG, my friends, with different lyrics and a different guitar solo about 2/3 into its needlessly long 5-6 minute length. But you know what? They may be derivative, boring, useless, faceless, unoriginal shit, but they’re sorta kinda halfway not awful. I mean, they’re catchy (in a generic sort of way), and, above all, LISTENABLE, which is more than I can say for a bunch of this shithole. I mean, “Ode?” What is THIS shit? And same with “Illusion” and “Unforgiven.” You see, shocking as it may seem, the bullshit pseudo-power ballads you hear on your favorite modern rock radio stations are actually (at least on their first two albums) the best Creed has to offer. When they try to kick ass, they are AWFUL. Just TERRIBLE. There’s no reason anyone should ever have to listen to this fucking horseshit. Just horrendous. Sometimes it sounds like Soundgarden, sometimes like Metallica, sometimes like Stone Temple Pilots, sometimes like Pearl Jam, but it always blows cock. Lots of it. And “Sister?” Christ, what an awful song. I’m sure there’s some meaning behind it in Scott Stapp’s life (maybe he had a sister that died?). Whatever. Just like “With Arms Wide Open” from the next album, he’s managed to pen a song that, were I the person about whom he’s singing, I’d get a fucking divorce. Can you divorce your brother? Whatever. Blah. Blerf. Snortle. Glerbigabbismoofismack. I don’t care. I really don’t like Creed at all. Let’s move on.
OK, “In
America” gets its own paragraph, because it might have the worst lyrics of any
song I’ve heard in my life. EVER. See, Creed get pegged as “Christian Rock,”
but they’re really not. It’s just that
Scott Stapp thinks he’s Jesus. What they ARE is “Hyper-Conservative Values
Rock For Hicks,” and sometimes religion just gets thrown into the mix with all
the rest of those “good, old-fashioned American values” that Dubya loves so much.
When he’s not snorting crack, at least.
Anyhoo, “In
Oh, there are actually two halfway decent songs on here, though they come at the very end, and, if you’re like me, you’ll probably turn this fucking thing off right at the “sexuality is democracy” line from “In America.” Fuck, that’s awful. Anyway, “What’s This Life For” and “One” are both really not that bad. Neither one keeps its not-that-bad-ness for its entire duration, but each has a good chunk that I can honestly say I enjoy. The last two minutes of “What’s This Life For” are EASILY the best two minutes on this record, that dramatic “Don’t have to settle the score!” coda with acoustic guitars and neat-sounding backing organs and a piano. I really like that part. Too bad the first part of the song SUCKS SAILOR SCHLONG, but what are you gonna do? That’s enough to get my “best song” nod, which should tell you something about this record, I suppose. I also like the verses of the closer “One.” They’re catchy. And Stapp doesn’t sound QUITE so much like a horse’s ass. The chorus is beyond awful, though. “I feel angry! I feel helpless! Wanna change the world, YEAAAHH!” Ick. It’s got a cool “guitar feedback noise going crazy and flipping back and forth between the headphones” thing near the end, too. The chorus is still pathetic, though.
This album is so bland, dumb, and faceless. I really hate Creed. The coda to “What’s This Life For” is cool, though, and the verses to “One.” That’s like five minutes out of fifty, though. Not a good ratio. The rest is bullshit. Creed isn’t that good.
ddickson@rice.edu writes:
Heh. Cue from Joseph Lieberman: ("This is why
they HAAAAAATE
UUUUUUUUUS. . . ")
He's right, y'know. Politics blows nowadays,
don't it? Either you're a
conservative hick dipshit cock or a pinko commie godless pervert evil-doer.
And if you're a moderate. . . heaven help ya.
Then you're NOTHING.
Frankly, given the alternative, I think I would rather be the nothing.
But
that doesn't mean you stand for nothing. It means you stand for something
other than the two lunatics' platforms. Then you brace yourself as the
Nazis call you a Communist, the Communists call you a Nazi, and both
douchebags start throwing their pizza bites at your
head. (mmmm. . . pizza
bites. . . agggh *drool*) I'm rambling like
Hugo Chavez on bad crack, I
know. I'll shut up now.
My problem with that lyric is Stapp's "ONLY in
states, you crazy Floridian stupidhead? Do you
know how many abortions an
average woman has in
haven't gotten into the habit of contraception, but still. . . the man needs
to get his goddamn facts straight.
Musically, this album is half passableness and half
sea of shit. The
singles are good, "Torn is fantastic, and "Ode" is okay
(featured on the
Missourians Don't Drive Drunk video soundtrack!), but absolutely everything
else sucks horrible suckitude of suck. Five
singles and filler filler
filler. Yuck. Interestingly, of the five shit songs, only "In
America"
comes within five miles of a decent melody. Bah. I give this album
a 6 and
may the Laaaaaaaawd strike tracks 4-8 dead.
Human Clay (1999)
Rating: 3
Best Song: “Higher”
The first impression I get when I listen to this album is that success REALLY went to Creed’s head. Because there are lots of conservative Midwestern teenage boys who DIDN’T think Scott Stapp was an asswipe horse-raping donkey-fucker when My Own Prison came out, it was a huge hit. Some bands, when their first record goes multi-platinum, do not turn into pretentious full-of-themselves cocksuckers. Creed is not one of these bands. The first two songs on this album more or less give away the fact that Scott Stapp has his head so far up his ass it’s coming out of his mouth (never mind the phsyics of having your own head come out of your mouth). “Are You Ready?” is actually a half-decent opener, and it’s probably my second-favorite tune on the album (ofcourse, that being a relative term), but, geez, how fucking STUPID is it? “Are you ready!!?? I said, are you READY!!!??? For WHAT’S TOOOOO COOOOME!” YES! I’M READY! I’m ready for poorly-written generic plodding neo-grunge dirges! “What If” is just as retarted. “My stage is shared by many millions who lift their hands up high BECAUSE THEY FEEL THIS!!!” Fuckers, you’ve released ONE GODDAMN ALBUM. Wait until you release, oh I dunno, TWO (at least) before you go acting all “fuck-you-critics-we-have-our-millions-of-fans” and shit. I dunno. Maybe it’s just because I really, really hate Creed. Yeah, that’s probably it.
After those
opening two things, you realize that, essentially, this is the same goddamn
album as the debut. It has better
production, I guess, and fewer musically awful cringe-inducing moments. Yet it’s also incredibly, incredibly
STUPID. You can make fun of the lyrics
on My Own Prison all you want (and I could, for a LOOOOOOOONG time), but
at least it had lyrics. So many
of the songs on here have just mind-numbingly dumb, awful, ridiculously simple
and retarted choruses. “What If” has that “WHAT IF? WHAT IF?
WHAT IF I!!??” thing (shit). The
chorus to “Say I” consists of Stapp yelling “SAY
I!!!!” repeatedly about ten times while ONE guitar chord does absolutely
nothing interesting in the background.
The biggest offender by far, though, is “
However, this album DOES have my personal favorite Creed song of all time (talk about an oxymoron) on it, and one of a grand total of TWO I can say I enjoy for its entirety. And, no, it’s not something original. It’s “Higher.” Fuck you, I like it. Eat me. Yeah, I know, good LORD, what an awful video that song has. But, seriously, just forget about Stapp spontaneously rising up into the air like he’s Jesus Christ (GODDAMMIT what a cocksucker), look at the song objectively, and tell me it’s not a catchy, well-written pop song. Because it is. I’d hazard to say that if I were driving along, and it came on the radio, AND I WAS ALONE (I have a reputation to uphold, you know), I probably wouldn’t change the station. It’s a good song. There, I said it. Happy? The rest of this album bites, though. It all sounds the same. Jesus, their drummer blows. He plays the exact same fucking drum part to every song. I could probably figure out the drum parts to every song Creed’s ever done if you give me a day or two, and I BLOW at the drums. Some of these tunes (“Faceless Man,” for instance) start off kinda nice and have semi-purty intros, but when the loud chorus and its exact same three chords that Creed uses in every song start sluggishly moping along, well, it kinda ruins it. And the album’s too long, too. It’s pushing an hour. Do we REALLY need the combined twelve minutes of “Wash Away Those Years” and “Inside Us All” at the end? Aren’t they the same song? And, good lord, DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED on “With Arms Wide Open.” What, you wanna hear my problems with it? You mean BESIDES the fact it sucks? Well, OK, twist my arm…
Here’s the thing about “With Arms Wide Open.” It’s about Scott Stapp’s newborn child, right? Yes. Now, if I’m not mistaken, isn’t the birth of your first child supposed to be a time of, you know, JOY? Pure, unadulterated joy? Again, yes. It sure sounds gloomy to me, but at least it’s sort of emotional, or it is until the generic Creed three-chord chorus guitars come in. If this is such a special time, WHY does the song sound EXACTLY like every one of your other goddamn songs, Scott? The birth of a child is just about the LEAST appropriate thing you could ever write a generic neo-grunge piece-of-shit dirge about. If I were Scott Stapp’s kid, and I heard that song, well, I’d probably ask for my custody to be transferred to Stevie Wonder, because he knows how to write a father-child anthem. “Isn’t She Lovely” is a PERFECT song for a new father to write to his child. It’s happy. It’s joyous. Stevie’s love and caring is practically oozing out of the speakers when it’s playing. The coda, when the baby is taking a bath and giggling, and Stevie’s going “Go on! Get in the water, baby!” all over a three-minute harmonica solo, well, it gives me tears sometimes. Tears of joy. AND IT’S NOT EVEN MY FUCKING KID! Stevie perfectly transferred the joy of being a father into song. What child could ever POSSIBLY hate a father who wrote this for them? NOW, contrast this to “With Arms Wide Open.” See my point? “With Arms Wide Open” could be about a loved one who just DIED instead of a new baby, and I wouldn’t be able to tell the fucking difference. “Serious, solemn, frowning man” is not what a new father should be. He should be, you know, HAPPY. Scott, you’re having a kid! SMILE A LITTLE BIT!!!
OK, summation: Musically and developmentally, the difference between Creed’s first two albums is practically negligible. They just gave this one better production and dumbed it down compared to the debut (if that’s even possible), so it sold better. If you hate one, you’ll hate the other. Like me.
ddickson@rice.edu writes:
Er. . . better. Apparently, Greed realized the
benefit of recording an
album as an ALBUM, not just singles n filler, so this one holds together
surprisingly well. Yah, for the most part, it's derivative alterno-arena
balderdash, but they know how to hold up the atmosphere.
My knowledge of this album dates back to me young days as a Midwestern
teenage churchgoin' boy in the ole country, dontcha know. I was into the
whole "youth group" nonsense at the time--hey, camp was fun,
regardless of
what you might say about the dogma--and heh, heh, we actually had--get this--
intellectual forums *gggnngh* (giggling noise) about
CREED LYRICS.
The
over "What's This Life For." one side had a serious issue with Stapp taking
the name of the Lord in vain, but the other side said "He's not voilating
the Third Commandment! He's saying the SCORE is actually DAMNED by
GOD."
And the other side would reply, "My word, you're right. I suppose it
is."
Then we'd all drink apple juice, eat snicker doodles, and play ultimate
frisbee in the gym--*cough* I mean--sanctuary.
Good times.
Then I actually read the Bible and found out what parts that particular
denomination (evangelical Free Church) conveniently skipped over and/or
imposed their own interpretation on. Word of advice--when studying
religion, skip the church, read the texts. The church'll
screw ya every
time. Frickin' church.
Speaking of which, tracks 7 and 10 are some of the worst a-melodic shit I've
ever heard in my life, but the rest is at least pretty-sounding. The hits
were, I think, "Arms Wide Open," "Are You Ready,"
"What If", and "Higher,"
but both "Faceless Man" and "Inside Us All" are, I think, a
little better
than the hit material--"Faceless" is actually my favorite song on the
album.
"Higher" actually sounds better in the context of the album then on
its
lonesome, but I must freely admit to turning the radio off whenever I hear
those abominable opening acoustic noodlings start up.
God, this song was
the only thing radio layed on us for two years
straight. And all the stupid
people in the
this man," the old ladies croaked. Really. God sings like he
has two
peanut butter sandwiches in his mouth and pronounces every long "a"
vowel "eeeeeeeee"??? Then HOLY watah! PRAISE his marble-mouthedness!!
In
his gravelly name, AMEN!
Yep, Stapp has a frickin'
annoying voice, I'll admit. Like Eddie Vedder,
but annoying. Good material, tho'.
Creed's best. I give it an 8.
Pedro Andino
(pedroandino@msn.com) writes:
sorry ddickson
but this sucks like the shit in the toilet! this pee album sucks! get the best
rock music from ozzy, anthrax, and such like stay
away from creed. and with arms half open is the most gay assed song I ever
heard in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weathered (2001)
Rating: 4
Best Song: “My Sacrifice”
The extra point on the rating there isn’t necessarily because this one is any better than the last two. Why is it there then, you ask? Well, for EFFORT. My Own Prison was just shitty faceless pseudo-grunge, and Human Clay was basically the same goddamn album. On THIS record, Creed at least TRY to do some different things. Sure, they mostly fail because, well, they’re Creed, but at least the effort makes the record interesting. I’m MUCH more entertained by this one than by their first two, even if it still pretty much sucks a big, fat juicy penis.
Exactly WHAT are they trying here, you ask? Well, for starters, the first track, “Bullets,” is practically a fucking thrash metal song, MUCH faster and harder than anything else they’ve done, and it actually manages to kick a small amount of ass, something Creed had previously been completely and utterly unable to do, though they did periodically try. Hell, it’s even got a weird, spacey intro! And then Stapp all super-angry-like yells “I THINK THEY SHOOT ‘CUS THEY WANT TOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” and the song goes “chugga chugga chugga” along with a fair amount of ENERGY, which is shocking coming from Creed. It’d be better if their drummer didn’t SUCK ASS (he doesn’t even try to keep up and do any double-bass drum fun), and also, you know, if it weren’t Creed. Still, an admirable effort!
The next tune, “Freedom Fighter,” really doesn’t do anything Creed hasn’t tried before, but it DOES contain the novel concept of ENDING AFTER TWO MINUTES, something that would’ve made more or less every single goddamn Creed song EVER more effective had any of them done so instead of meandering on for five or six excruciating minutes. Now, the song isn’t good. At all. It’s thoroughly boring and mediocre. But it’s not so disturbing because it’s over really quickly. Plus, it’s a nice contrast to the EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTE “Who’s Got My Back?” that follows it. Creed’s trying something epic! Truthfully, it has no reason to be this long, as it doesn’t really even start until two or three minutes in, and then goes really slooooooowwwwww, but, still, something new. It starts with a Native American tribal chant! Now, a SMART band might have been able to actually work this thing into the song somehow, but not Creed! NOPE! The old Indian guy does his chant, it fades out, and some atmospheric keyboard stuff fades in before the start of the song, which is totally fucking unrelated to the tribal chant, by the way. Then the chant comes back at the end after the song fades out for no fucking reason whatsoever. And the song itself? HIIIIIIII-LARIOUS? It’s like they were trying to write their “Stairway To Heaven” or something, but the tune is just a slightly-better-than-average (for Creed) Creed tune played extra slow and dragged out longer, with keyboards and a tribal chant stuck in for no reason. STILL, it’s entertaining. I’m not BORED by it. Laughter counts. It’s better than boredom and disgust!
The rest of the record doesn’t really deviate much from the Creed blueprint much, though, except for the closing acoustic ballad “Lullaby” (also unintentionally HILARIOUS!), but there’s a few decent things to pick out. The riff to “Stand Here With Me” actually strikes me as one of the most creative these buttfuckers have ever written. I was listening to this record for the first time, and when “Stand Here With Me” came on I was JOLTED out of my chair with complete and total SHOCK, because, like, that was a COOL riff! The rest of the song’s not much to look at, but it’s decidedly decent, and I DO like that riff! I also (and I’m gonna completely ruin any WRC credibility I might have here…not that I really had any to begin with) QUITE like “My Sacrifice,” and it stands with “Higher” as one of the only two Creed tunes I enjoy from beginning to end. Nothing awesome or anything, but, also like “Higher,” I probably wouldn’t change the station if it came on the radio. Fucking awful video, though. God, Creed makes the WORST VIDEOS EVER. Fuck Scott Stapp up the ass for all his fucking pretentious pseudo-Jesus posing shit. Cock goblin.
Oh, and the rest of this album? ATROCIOUS! Seriously. Just horrendous. “One Last Breath” is a much-too-blatant “With Arms Wide Open” rewrite, complete with similar sequencing (directly before the huge hit single) and a similar video (Scott Stapp standing on a computer-generated cliff for some reason). “Signs” just makes we wanna fucking throw up with its hyper-conservative “In America”-esque lyrics. “We all know that sex sells and the whole world is buying!” YEESH. God, I hate Scott Stapp. “Hide” and the title track are just two examples of The Generic Creed Song, and “Don’t Stop Dancing” might just be the worst song the band’s ever done (and, trust me, there’s no shortage of competition). I think it’s the latest single from the album as of this review, but I don’t listen to modern rock radio all that much, so I could be wrong. Anyhoo, if it is, and you’ve heard it, you know what I’m talking about. Retarted “sensitive” acoustic guitar intro and strings. Completely unnecessary sludgy guitar chorus that plays the same three chords that were in “With Arms Wide Open” and “One Last Breath” and whatever. A chorus with the lardpuke-inducing lyrics “Children! Don’t stop dancing! Beliiieeeeeeve you can flyyyyyyy!” Some chick providing INCREDIBLY sappy backing vocals at one point. EWWWWWWWWWWWW. It makes “With Arms Wide Open” sound like a goddamn Led Zeppelin song by comparison. Just ridiculous, morosely awful shit.
It doesn’t change the fact that this album is the best Creed offering yet, though. Now, it’s bad, don’t get me wrong. But it’s bad in INTERESTING WAYS, as opposed to Creed’s first two, which were just…bad. You have to applaud someone for effort, even if they fall on their face.
God, that’s an awful album cover, though.
ddickson@rice.edu writes:
YES. AGREE with the 4.
Holy Christ, is this stuff terrible. A bunch of
uninventive melodies, unwritten noodling, and
all-around boring
blahness. "My Sacrifice" is the only
good song on here, and it's not even
all that good. And the album cover should be banned.
I guess I shouldn't be harping so much about Creed, seeing as they're not
even that good a band, but fact of the matter is, they were pretty much the
biggest American rock band of the turn of the millenium,
and they WERE a big
part of youth for us deprived Midwestern crazy kids due to their "oh-so-
spiritual lyrics" (listen to Nick Cave, dumbdumbs!),
so they deserve a
review or two or three.
But God does this album suck mightily. No wonder they don't exist
anymore.
Kudos on the reviews, tho'.