Not Exactly

“There’s Hertz…and there’s Not Exactly.” – Rich “Jimmy” Carter

“Yeah, I saw them play a few months ago. They were fantastic. No, they were more than fantastic. They were the best band I’d ever seen. I think it was when they played ‘In Da Club’ that I decided to give up music forever. I mean, how could I compete? When you see someone this good, why even continue playing? The moment I saw them, I know I could never be as good. Sure, I’ll finish this tour, and if I’m ever hard up for money I suppose I could make another album or do another tour, but my heart won’t be in it. I can never hope to be even nearly as good as them, so why try?” – Paul McCartney

“I LOVE FALL OUT BOY!!!” – Drunk Foxboro High senior girl

Albums Reviewed:

What’s Left Of Us (EP)

Over the last several years, a revolution has been taking place from the quiet confines of Westwood, Massachusetts. That revolution’s name? Not Exactly. The seeds of this revolution were planted when, early in their college careers, friends Joe “J-Fed” Federico and B-Rad decided to take up, respectively, guitar and drums. Through numerous late-night jam sessions at Joe’s house in Westwood and countless hours of practice, the skills of both grew by leaps and bounds, and they developed a unique musical chemistry in their attempts, at one time or another, to perfect cover versions of Green Day’s entire Dookie album. As the two built their repertoire, their ambition grew, and they drafted friend Martin “Proof That Uruguay Sucks” Stezano to provide vocals for their budding band for a one-shot performance at Joe’s annual March Madness Beirut Bonanza Extravaganza. With a setlist featuring songs as diverse as Green Day’s “Basket Case,” The Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch,” and Juvenile’s “Back That Ass Up,” the short show was a rousing success, and was made more so when Robert “Bob” Frashure, a friend of both J-Fed’s and B-Rad’s from their days at Belmont Hill School and an exceptionally talented guitarist, broke out his axe for an impromptu jam session later that night. Although none of them knew it at the time, this was the moment that spawned the greatest band in the history of the universe.

Although B-Rad had moved to Long Island after college, J-Fed and Bob remained in the Boston area, and B-Rad hated Long Island enough to return to Boston every time he had so much as a 3-day weekend (after all, it was just a four-hour drive and LONG ISLAND SUCKS ASS). J-Fed and B-Rad continued their jam sessions during B-Rad’s frequent visits to Beantown, and during the extended periods where B-Rad actually had to stay there and do his job, J-Fed, after taking up vocal duties himself and drafting Bob as his lead guitarist, and with assurances from B-Rad that he’d spend as much time in Boston as he could because LONG ISLAND SUCKS ASS, began to form a band. He drafted “Andre 2006” Ward, a friend of his from Boston College and a frequent first-round loser at the aforementioned annual Federico March Madness Beirut Bonanza Extravaganza, to play the meanest keys this side of Winchester, and recruited bassist Kurt Eng through, um, an ad placed on craigslist or something. With the lineup now set, J-Fed, Bob, Andre 2006, and that Kurt guy, with continued assurances from J-Fed that the band actually had a drummer (it’s just that he was four hours away most of the time), set to work on developing and expanding their repertoire. An instant chemistry was apparent (except with that Kurt guy, but it’s not like he ever came to rehearsals anyway), and soon J-Fed was giving B-Rad semi-weekly updates and sending him numerous mp3’s of songs the band was working on. With tuneage from artists as varied as Aerosmith, Fall Out Boy, Dion and the Belmonts, and Nelly, B-Rad was naturally very excited, and when Thanksgiving Break 2005 came along, he returned to Boston eager to get to work.

The band’s first full rehearsal went well, despite that Kurt guy’s having to leave early and Bob showing up three hours late as usual. As band leader and host to their rehearsal studio (his family’s den), J-Fed’s annual pilgrimage to Florida for Christmas Break created a bit of a hurdle for the band’s development, but optimism was still high, and it did not waver even in the face of that Kurt guy’s leaving the now so-named Not Exactly because they wouldn’t play any of the songs he suggested (but really, the All-American Rejects? Yellowcard? Are you serious? We only play good music! Like Sean Paul!). Now down to a quartet and lacking a bassist, the band spent March Break 2006 perfecting a setlist now bulging with tightly-played, high-quality hits. Their by-now famous staples included the Beatles’ “I Saw Her Standing There,” Fountains of Wayne’s “Stacy’s Mom” and still like ten Green Day songs. As B-Rad returned to Long Island to finish his second year of teaching, J-Fed set to work at the important task of finding the band work and establishing them in the public consciousness (with “public” ofcourse meaning “the greater Westwood area”).

By the time B-Rad returned in mid-June, the band had added even more songs to its setlist (now 40+ strong), had several gigs lined up, and was ready for world domination. Phase one occurred at the now infamous Wily Mo Solman Graduation Extravaganza in picturesque Lincoln, MA, where the band, from the spacious confines of the Solman family porch, proceeded to blow the minds of Wily Mo’s friends and extended family. New additions “Brown Eyed Girl,” “Only the Good Die Young,” and The Fray’s “Over My Head,” in addition to the band’s jawdropping re-working of the Backstreet Boys classic “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back),” brought the house down, and “I Saw Her Standing There” induced the hilarious audience reaction of some old guy dancing around with no rhythm at all. Many flyers were handed out, an informal request for a gig in Portland, Maine was made (sadly, unable to occur due to subsequent events…read on, my friends…), and much free food was accepted on top of the band’s steep $200 appearance fee.

However, this was just the beginning, as the band convened back in Westwood the next night for the graduation party to end all graduation parties: the 2006 Nancy Lane Foxboro High Blowout. Often imitated but never duplicated, the band’s performance at this event has gone down in graduation party annals everywhere as the greatest single show in the history of graduation parties. Forced by inclement weather to re-locate to the backyard gazebo (a cramped fit to say the least), the band responded by turning up their amps and, for two solid hours, MELTING FACES. From the opening bars of the Black Eyed Peas’ “Let’s Get it Started,” this was stuff of legendary proportions. They played “867-5309/Jenny” better than Tommy Tutone himself. Both James’ “Laid” and Everclear’s “Santa Monica” brought a clearly possessed Ms. Feds into the backyard to dance like a lunatic. Never has the world seen a better Ashley Parker Angel-Nick Lachey medley, and never shall the world see one. J-Fed’s vocals were tuneful, energetic, and engaging, while his rhythm guitar work was sharp and incisive. Bob’s lead guitar heroics were skillful, inventive, and (most importantly) loud, while his backup vocals on Usher’s “Yeah!” were exceptional. Andre 2006’s keyboards were brilliant and endlessly illuminative, while his vocals on Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” were simply stunning. B-Rad’s drumwork was crisp, snappy, and consistent, while his lack of any backup vocals was unfortunate though understandable due to his inability to sing and play at the same time. At the risk of hyperbole, I feel secure in saying that no band in the history of music has ever performed with the skill and dedication that Not Exactly displayed on that day. Or, at the very least, no band in the history of music has had as many drunk Foxboro High senior girls asking to sing karaoke with them. As you can see, Not Exactly is, and has always been, all about enforcing underage drinking laws.

The band was now at the peak of its powers and free to conquer the world. Alas, fate stepped in. Within two weeks of their triumphant performance at the 2006 Nancy Lane Foxboro High Blowout, Andre 2006 departed for his ancestral home of Lebanon, not planning to return until after B-Rad was to commence his cross-country move to Los Angeles for graduate school (and on a serious note, Andre got out before all that shit went down and was actually in Syria when Israel invaded; this led to the only time I have ever uttered the phrase “wow, thank god he was in Syria”). Thankfully for anyone who has not heard what is undoubtedly the most important band since the Beatles, J-Fed, Bob, and B-Rad, with the help of Bob’s ProTools software, got together a few days before B-Rad’s departure to record six of the band’s best songs, with Andre 2006 to add his keyboard parts once he had returned from the temporary safe-haven that was Syria (I still can’t believe I’m not making that up). This marathon recording session resulted in the band’s debut EP What’s Left of Us, undoubtedly the most important record since the invention of vinyl, a completely, totally, utterly unbiased review for which you can find below. Although B-Rad is now 3,000 miles away (and thus can’t really come back to Boston every long weekend like he did when he was living on Long Island, plus L.A. doesn’t SUCK ASS), the Not Exactly name carries on with replacement drummers B.J. “B-May” May and Tin “T-Ha” Ha-Ngoc, and the stature of the band continues to rise. As of this writing, they are currently the 19^th-rated indie band on Myspace within a 5-mile radius of Westwood, MA, an area that, in addition to large chunks of Boston, also includes the throbbing metropoleis of Norwood, Walpole, Needham, and Canton (plus half the artists above us are rap, so it’s not like they count as real music). In attaining this lofty position, they have beaten out such luminous acts as Refried Pavement, Runner and the Thermodynamics, Matt is Stuck in a Window, and, ofcourse, Social Crack. Worthy artists all, but Not Exactly? Not exactly.

In your picture above, from left to right you’ll find J-Fed, Bob Frashure, B-Rad, and Andre 2006. That Kurt guy used to be in there but we photoshopped him out. He sucks. You can view Not Exactly’s website at www.myspace.com/notexactlyband. Two thirds of their debut EP What’s Left of Us is right there for your listening pleasure, as well as numerous action shots of the band laying it down old school.

And, onto the review(s)!

What’s Left Of Us (EP) (2006)

Rating: 11

Best Song: “I Saw Her Standing There”

Every so often a record comes along that changes the way people think about music. Abbey Road was one such record. So was Red. So were London Calling and The Biz Never Sleeps. However, compared to What’s Left of Us, the debut release from Boston-area cover band Not Exactly, all of these records look (and smell) like the unusually putrid mounds of industrial waste often found in and around Newark, New Jersey. There is simply no comparison, and after experiencing this life-altering event of an EP, I am confident that, from this day forward, the history of popular music will forever be divided into two time periods: Before Not Exactly and After Not Exactly.

For the few of you lucky enough to be able to call this statement hyperbole without immediately being struck down by the wrath of god, one listen to the twenty-one minutes and seven seconds of hot, steamy rock perfection contained on this disc will not only change your mind, but also make you view the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, the Who, and Pink Floyd as unoriginal, talentless hacks. The record starts off with the band’s now-famous cover of Green Day’s “Holiday,” one of their earliest hits and still a classic. One listen to this meaty, bubbling stew of punk-rock excellence and anyone with even a single partially-functioning ear drum will realize that, despite the good, solid rock goodness of Green Day’s version, it took these four visionaries from the mean streets of Westwood, Winchester, Wellesley, and Hartford, CT to allow the song to achieve its full glory. Bob Frashure’s guitar introduction makes Billie Joe Armstrong look like Lance Armstrong, but when he was on chemotherapy and before he juiced himself up with EPO, B-Rad’s drum intro takes Tre Cool’s original rhythm and twists it around to find its true essence, and J-Fed’s vocals do the same thing to Billie Joe Armstrong that Bob’s guitarwork did, only they also find time to have sex with Sheryl Crow, tape it, and mail it to him. The performance is so brilliant that during the “the representative from California has the floor…” monologue, you can actually hear J-Fed cracking up, so ludicrous is the gap in quality between the two versions. The backup “YEAH!” and “HEY!” and “A-MEN!” vocals, provided by both Bob and B-Rad (making his vocal debut!), are simply transcendent. In particular Bob is in fine form, and his “HEY!” vocals display more energy than the sum total of every Green Day song ever recorded. Hell, every song ever recorded prior to this point, period. At the risk of offending the entire Christian religion, Not Exactly’s version of “Holiday” sounds nothing like the voice of god; on the contrary, it makes the voice of god sound like shit.

However, it’s not the best track here. That honor would go the band’s flawless, note-perfect rendition of the Beatles’ “I Saw Her Standing There,” rumors of the development of which are said to have been George Harrison’s ultimate cause of death several years ago. Here Andre 2006’s piano stylings, which make Mozart sound like an invalid with severe cerebral palsy, are pushed to the front of the mix, and are so perfect that producer Bob Frashure decided to push his own guitar solo so far back in the mix you can barely hear it! Yes, folks, Andre 2006 is that good in this song, but so is the rest of the band. J-Fed again makes the song’s original lead vocalist, in this case Sir Paul McCartney, seem like Geddy Lee by comparison, while Bob’s high-pitched “OOOOOOOOOOO!!!” backup vocals are some of the best ever laid to tape. They’re so good Bob deliberately sang them off the beat to avoid making the song of such high quality that people’s heads would explode from sheer pleasure upon hearing it. B-Rad’s drums are also superb. In fact, he is on record as saying “‘I Saw Her Standing There’ is the only song on the record I didn’t fuck up the drums on.” His snare fills here are explosive. Perfection, thy name is “Not Exactly’s cover of ‘I Saw Her Standing There’ on their self-produced debut EP What’s Left of Us.”

The album’s curveball comes next in the form of Sean Paul’s “We Be Burnin’,” which is so authentically Jamaican it makes the band sound like Bob Marley compared to Sean Paul’s Eric Crapton (Japanese pronunciation). J-Fed’s vocals are (and I have no hesitation in saying this) the finest vocals to any song ever laid to tape. How a young Italian-American man, born and raised in the greater Boston area, was able to adopt such an authentic accent is astounding (and you know what? Forget Bob Marley. Fuck him. This is the real shit, right here folks). B-Rad’s backbeat and fills are flawless, Andre 2006’s choice of keyboard tones makes Ray Manzarek look like a no-talent buffoon, and Bob’s guitar work is endlessly groovy and authentic. And, as with “Holiday,” the band is so aware of their perfection you can tell in their performance, in this case from Bob and B-Rad’s backup vocals. It has been commented that they sound bored during the song, as if they don’t want to be singing. While it is true that they were bored, this boredom was simply a result of their own previously-unattainable-by-anyone musical perfection. Not Exactly, simply, is that rare (in fact only) band that can roll out of bed and record the greatest song in the history of mankind with no effort whatsoever. Wouldn’t that make you bored? It made B-Rad so bored he decided to enter a PhD Classics program because he needed the excitement.

Side two provides three more hot and spicy doses of pop precision, beginning with another one of the band’s first hits, “Stacy’s Mom.” The enormously full guitar tones of Bob Frashure, along with the clever pop keyboard work of Andre 2006, take center stage here. Despite working with just one amplifier, such is the skill of Mr. Frashure that he is able to take the hot Marshall Stack-on-Marshall Stack action of Van Halen’s first two albums with David Lee Roth and then make it sound like thinly-produced, horribly tinny racket. It ofcourse goes without saying that B-Rad makes John Bonham look like an injured sloth with his drum kit, but full attention this time must be paid to his backup vocals, specifically how he adds several instances of that “whooooaaaa-ohhhh-ohhh” thing that were not actually in the original and, at first listen, seem incredibly out-of-place. While he may claim that he “didn’t actually know how the song went,” this is really just a clever ruse. He’s actually subverting pop song structure here, you see. It’s brilliant! Wait, you ask how, specifically, is he “subverting pop song structure” by going “whoooaaa!” where he shouldn’t be? Well, that’s simple! You see, um…

J-Fed and Andre 2006 then take this opportunity to take new band The Fray out behind the shed and “go Deliverance” on them with a rendition of their hit “Over My Head” that fools the listener into thinking it’s one of the greatest songs ever written (ofcourse, in the hands of Not Exactly, every song is one of the greatest songs ever written). Beneath Andre’s superb and affecting piano work, J-Fed crafts such melodious tones with his voice that the listener is whisked away into a dreamland of such lovely pop sounds that the only thing that can bring them out of it is B-Rad’s unceremoniously screeching “My lovely lady lumps!” like a retard. Fortunately, that’s exactly what happens as the band segues into their high-energy rock closer “867-5309/Jenny,” on which Andre 2006 and Bob Frashure both stake their claim to being the most important musician of their generation (in the end, though, they both lose out to J-Fed, Not Exactly’s true visionary). Andre’s keyboards are some of the most skillful and harmonious ever played in the history of instruments with keys on them, while Bob, with both his backing vocals (“RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRReight six seven five!!!!!!!”) and what is undoubtedly the greatest guitar solo ever played by anyone, makes the song his own. As if unwilling to let this perfect moment end, the band even leaves the tape on for ten extra seconds after the final chord. “We’re gonna give you a solo in there,” says J-Fed. Yes, Bob. Yes, we are.

This is the greatest and most important sound recording ever made by modern man. It synthesizes the best of Mozart, Beethoven, Holly, Presley, McCartney, Lennon, Jagger, Richards, Page, Plant, Davies, Townshend, Dylan, Hendrix, Wonder, Waters, Squire, Fripp, Verlaine, Strummer, Eno, Cobain, Yorke, Flavor Flav, Lachey, and God into twenty-one minutes and seven seconds of rock and roll the likes of which has never been seen and will never be seen again. If you do not visit Not Exactly’s myspace page (LINK PROVIDED ABOVE!!!!) right now and request a copy of this record, your life will not be worth living. After all, if god himself came out of the heavens, knocked on your door, and said “hey, wanna hear this version of ‘We Be Burnin’’ I’ve been working on?”, wouldn’t you listen?

Adam Trovillion (mtlhead@mchsi.com) writes:

If Robert Fripp, Eddie Van Halen, Roger Waters, Axl Rose and every modern rapper all got together to talk about how great they are and suck their own dicks, it would still be less self-gratifying than that review.

David Dickson (ddickso2@uccs.edu) writes:

This is the funniest goddamn thing I've ever read.

Dominick Lawton (dompenguin88@sbcglobal.net) writes:

Three things:
1) That is the most ludicrously amazing review ever.
2) I am in awe of your facial hair.
3) Any chance of some Faith No More or Mr. Bungle reviews, ever?

Mike Noto (thepublicimage79@hotmail.com) writes:

That's pretty fucking funny.

Not as funny as Fred Durst covering "Behind Blue Eyes," say, but still
darned funny.

Scheeya!