This is an email from Smith to the gang after Splint XV. Priceless...

Gentlemen,

I am finally recovered from yet another amazing weekend. The following is a brief list of my condition until Tuesday:

Voice - ruined
Bowels - ruined
Face muscles - ruined
Mind - ruined
Head - ruined

Shit...my head has been ruined for years!

When Les, the Whore and I left the grill on Saturday nite we took a cab to Les' folks house. It was one of the funniest experiences of my life. Story goes as follows.

THE CAB LOOKS AND SOUNDS LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT. WE PILE INTO THE CAB. THE DRIVER IS A YOUNG BURN OUT LOOKING DUDE SO I ASK HIM IF I CAN LIGHT A SMOKE. HE SAYS SURE AND LIGHTS ONE HIMSELF. LES THEN ASKS FOR A SMOKE AND WE ALL SMOKE. THE WHORE THEN ASKS THE GUY IF HE CAN LIGHT A DUBE. THE CABBIE IS VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS. WE SMOKE THE DUBE AND MEANWHILE I DROP MY SMOKE ON THE SEAT. THE CABBIE QUICKLY FINDS IT AND I FINISH AND TOSS IT OUT THE WINDOW. MILLER LIGHTS THE SECOND JOINT. I SMELL PLASTIC BURNING. I TELL THE CABBIE THAT IT SMELLS LIKE PLASTIC BURNING. HE DOESN'T CARE. A FEW MINUTES LATER THE SMELL OF BURNING PLASTIC IS STRONGER. NOW THE WHORE SAYS HE CAN SMELL IT. I LOOK DOWN BY MY FEET( i was in the front ) AND SEE SMOKE COMING FROM THE FLOOR. I LOOK CLOSER AND I SEE A RED GLOW AND A 2 INCH WIDE BURNING HOLE IN THE MAT. I SAY TO THE CABBIE " DUDE MAN, YOUR CARS ON FIRE!" HE SAYS " OH SHIT WE BETTER PULL OVER" WE AGREE. HE PULLS OVER ON MAIN STREET IN WILLIAMSVILE. WE PILE OUT AND COMMENCE TO LAUGH VERY VERY HARD. I LOOK CLOSELY AT THE BURNING HOLE AND REALIZE IT IS FROM THE EXHAUST SYSTEM. THE CAR GETS LOUDER.THE CABBIE SAYS "GET SOME SNOW" WE ARE NOW HYSTERICAL. THERE IS NO SNOW. BUT THEN LES SEES SNOW ABOUT 50 FEET AWAY. THE CABBIE JUMPS INTO THE CAR AND BURNS UP TO THE SNOW PILE. HE LEAPS OUT AND GRABS ABOUT 20 POUNDS OF SNOW AND DUMPS IT ONTO THE BURNING HOLE. HE STOMPS ON THE SNOW. HE GOES TO THE TRUNK AND PULLS OUT A PIECE OF CLOTHING. HE PLACES IT ON THE SNOW/BURNING HOLE. HE LOOKS AT US AND SAYS "WE'RE READY NOW". WE CAN'T LAUGH ANY HARDER. WE PILE BACK IN AND CONTINUE TO LES' HOUSE. THE RIDE COST $18. WE GAVE HIM $30 PLUS THE REST OF THE JOINT.........BEST MONEY I EVER SPENT! MAYBE YOU JUST HAD TO BE THERE.

I still hate you all,
Love Smith

Back to SPLINT WEB