The History of Splint McGriff

THE HISTORY OF THE SPLINT MCGRIFF
BEER FEST & DART TOURNEY

Splint	Year	Venue	Champ	Runner-up	HiLowLights
I	1985	Rotundos	Smythe	Bol	The Inaugural McGriff - Who could have predicted the future lunacy that would result? Wooden board, wooden darts and lots of staaaaaarch. Bo'l can you play with those 14 stitches in your back? Smythe wins, gets Jizz. "One dart does not the smolder make."
II	1986	Minnesota	Bol	Klaus	The Forgotten McGriff - Nobody showed. Klaus loses the final match and is then shoved by Bol through the kitchen window. Falling glass shards damage Smythe's car...too bad! Railing left dangling from front porch. The beginning of the Bol Dynasty.
III	1987	Highgate	B. Hoffman	Caaaaaal	Whore and Friend-of-Whore (FOW) wreak havoc by shattering glass door on shower. Hoffman wins and never returns. Caaaal begins a long career as a bridesmaid despite his patented "quick release."
IV	1988	Amy's Place	Bol	Myers	The Cheese McGriff - More cheese, bring on the cheese!!! Millie the wonder dog has a sickening feast. The smelliest house in the history of McGriff. Bol wins despite trip to the emergency room and stitches in his back. The wooden darts make their final appearance.
V	1989	Amy's Place	Pitlick	Caaaaaal	The Eviction McGriff - Max Load and the Cherry Busters are in rare form. About a dozen of Buffalo's finest join the party. Slug is evicted three days later. Caaaal falls shy again because Pitlick is sober.
VI	1990	The Young Ones'	Bol	McFly	The Last Household McGriff - McFly's one and only chance to be a contender is denied. The Splint McGriff Executive Committee is formed. Basement band is terrible but results in the birth of Tom the Dancing Fetus.
VII	1991	Tommy Marriots	Bol	Lendl	The bar years commence. Slop is allowed for the women players. The longest and most pathetic final match in the history of the McGriff. Hit the f---in bullseye already!! Pitlick is far from sober. Sad Dood finds unexpected riches in the urinal. Beginning of the Sad Dood cheese pool.
VIII	1992	Tommy Marriots	Pitlick	Caaaaaal	Caaaaal ? No!! Bol is knocked out of the match early by a batch of homemade mead that results in projectile vomiting. Bumfuq is congratulated for his fine work. The Green Jacket makes its debut.
IX	1993	Abbott Square	Myers	Bol	The Wedding McGriff - Could the room be any bigger? Myers gets off the schnide for his first, and only, championship. Victory laps ensue.
X	1994	CPG's	Bol	Caaaaaal	The Marathon McGriff - How many people can you fit in the Grill? The 10th is a banner year. Mayhem abounds without Sad Dood to run the show. This McGriff lasted until 5:00 A.M. and tested even the heartiest McGriffer's stamina. Jizz is voted onto the Committee smashing the sexist barrier.
XI	1995	The Steer	Bol	Myers	Holy shit those wings were hot!! Shhh! Keep it quiet up there.
XII	1996	Buffalo Brew Pub	Bol	Myers	The Low Maintenance McGriff - Show up, swill beer, eat food, play darts. Whore and FOW make their triumphant return...no damage this time. Mighty Taco extravaganza. The Bol to Myers weight differential as applied to beer consumption may again be the determining factor.
XIII	1997	Buffalo Brew Pub	Bol	T. Lump	The Cigar McGriff - Never have so many cigars been smoked by so few. T. Lump storms through the field leaving Sadood, Pitlik, and Myers in his tremendous wake.
XIV	1998	Buffalo Brew Pub	Bol	Pitlick	Another pitcher of Old Peckerhead please. We've spent about a grand in here and still no buyback??? Saddood not only fails to cheese but finds himself in the finals. Not! Alex goes down again...
XV	1999	CPG's	Pitlick	Saddood	Return to CPG's. I can't believe we've been doing this for 15 years!!! Shots galore, split ball barrage, and Saddood eliminate Bol. Pitlick prevails, Saddood sent to the curb. Smythe burns cab to ground.
XVI	2000	Da Grill	The Other Brother Daryl	Saddood the Bride's Maid	Commence Friday at Grill. By 800,000 o'clock Toddly talking to barmaid through sweatshirt hood. Phil of CPG's provides Splint Shuttle to Anacone's (very cool). Todd hits 1,000,000 o'clock early; is sent home. Splint has 23 entrants. Many traditional favorites become early spectators. Drew, fortified by Guinness, forges on after Bol and Col sent to bleachers. Toddly (well-rested) finishes third. Spitball mayhem. Saddood snipers Myers' eye, halts future spitballing. Saddood stealthily sipping Coke. Everyone else stealthily spiking same Coke. Dood steams to finals but falls off table due to unwitting consumption. "Outsider" Daryl, witting consumer, tromps Dood for the jacket.
XVII	2001	CPG	Pit	Gar	Sludgie Spectacular! From official welcome sign on door to scorching Jony James Band, Stevie Ray Productions comes through bigtime. Gar makes it to finals. Pit says NO to an "outsider" repeat.
XVIII	2002	CPG	Pit (not sober!)	Bol (has-been!)	Angry stripper goes Ballistic. Conductor strokes Balls. Pit spanks Bol. Everyone has a Ball."
XIX	2003	CPG	Pit (continues...)	Bol (declines...)	Klaus Von Grube whipped into submission by an aggressive ballet dancer. Splinty All-Drunk Choir born thanks to Bol preselected tuneage..."if you don't like the way I'm living...just leave this long haired country boy alone...." Neil Young cover band rocked the house....."What a Killer!"
XX	2004	CPG	?	?	The drama continues...
MCMLXXXV	2880	CPG Hilton Mars	Pitlick the 48th	The Astroid	News cast from 2002: A new look at an asteroid orbiting the sun shows it could possibly smash into the Earth with the explosive force of millions of tons of TNT. The analysis showed it was mathematically possible that the asteroid could hit the Earth on March 16, 2880. But experts say the potential impact is long enough away for the speeding space rock to alter its course. If it did hit the Earth, it would have planetwide effects, setting off fires, changing the weather and perhaps creating immense tidal waves, and possibly even disrupting the Splint McGriff. But it would not be a planet killer like the asteroid thought to have snuffed out the dinosaurs some 65 million years ago. That asteroid was about 16 times larger than The Lump.

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