The Man Code

#1: No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
#2: Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F*CK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
#3: Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. Silly lap dances with pregnant strippers does not apply.
#4: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
#5: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
#6: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
#7: If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
#8: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
#9: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
#10: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
#11: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
#12: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
#13: When you are queried by a buddy's wife,girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
#14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
#15: If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
#16: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
#17: A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
#18: Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
#19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
- "Yeah, baby, push it!"
- "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
- "Another set and we can hit the showers."
- "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
#20: Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
#21: Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. (overtime goals render this rule mute).
#22: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just friends" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Back to SPLINT WEB