TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SPLINT, WHEN ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT AN INTESTINE WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN IN LES'S HOUSE;
THE BOARDS WERE HUNG AT THE GRILL WITH CARE,
IN HOPES THAT THE McGRIFF WOULD SOON BE THERE;
THE BOYS WERE NESTLED ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS;
WHILE VISIONS OF VICTORY DANCED IN THEIR HEADS;
THE WOMEN WERE HOME, ENJOYING THEIR PEACE,
KNOWING THEIR MEN WOULD TURN INTO BEASTS;
WHEN OUT ON THE STREET THERE AROSE SUCH A CHATTER,
I SPRANG FROM THE BED TO SEE WHATS THE MATTER.
AWAY TO THE WINDOW I JUMPED WITH MY STASH,
25 OF BUFFALOS FINEST ARRIVED WITH A FLASH.
THE MOON ON THE BREAST OF TAMMY CIPALONE
IS JUST THE RIGHT THING TO MAKE ANY SPLINTER GROAN,
WHEN, WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD APPEAR,
BUT PHIL, AND HIS STIFFY, SPORTING ITS TINY RAIN GEAR,
WITH THE SMELL OF OLD MEN, SO LAME AND SICK,
I KNEW IN A MOMENT IT MUST BE ST. SPLINT.
MORE RAPID THAN DIARHEA HIS COURSES THEY CAME,
AND HE BELCHED, AND FARTED, AND CALLED THEM BY NAME;
"NOW SLUG! NOW BUMFUQ! NOW CARL! NOW BOL!
ON MYERS! ON LES! ON CARMINE! ON WHORE!
NOW TODDLY! NOW SADDOOD! NOW JIM/DIANNE!
YOU MUST PULL OUR LIVES INTO THE PROMISED LAND!
TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH! TO THE TOP OF THE WALL!
ALL WE CAN SAY IS "DON'T LET JIM FALL!"
AS DRY AS THE HEAVES, BEFORE THE PLANES FLY,
THE WINGS, THE MIGHTYS, THE MOLSON, OH MY!
DARTS, BEER, FRIENDSHIP THAT'S WHY;
THE REASON THE SPLINT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYE!
 

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