"Now I'm all alone again.
No where to turn, no one to go to.
Without a hope, without a friend, without a face to say hello to.
But now the night is here,
And I can make believe he's near."

I want it to stop. This unatural pounding in my chest.It has been such a long time-centauries since I had a heart beat. Centauries since I have had to remember to breathe. I cut myself today, and I still haven't healed from it. I know, most likely you are thinking that I did it to hurt myself, perhaps even to end my life. I cut myself trying to slice a bagel. A damn bagel. Damn fucking mortal coordination. I'm four hundred years old and I nearly killed myself trying to make breakfast.

I dress without looking in the mirror, an old habit. Why are there so many mirrors in this apartment? Did they think I would enjoy looking at my reflection? Being forced to see myself everyday, reminding me of who I really am.

A prostitute from Virginia, which when I was alive was frontier country with few women.

A demon, the matriarch of a particularly vicious foursome of vampires who cut a bloody swath through Europe.

The Master's little lackey. Always ready to suck up.

The jealous ex girlfriend who drove her own Childe to stake her.

The human girl, raised from ashes to be used and manipulated until she doesn't know who to trust anymore.

"Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed.
And I can live inside my head."

Mr. Manners said I was "cracking up."

I don't crack up. I'm not the sort to quote nursery rhymes and covers myself in feathers to pretend that I'm a bird. I'm not the sort of person who insists that the moon speaks to her. I'm not cracking up or going 'round the bend or whatever you wish to call it. Why then, you ask, did I smash all the mirrors in my apartment? Because I'm ugly. When I was a vampire, I never had to look at the face of this ugly whore that no one really wanted. And now I'll get old, and wrinkled. No one will want me when I'm old. I feel this body weakening already. Breath in the wrong direction and I could catch germs from anything. My life span is no longer infinite.

"On my own, pretending he's beside me.
All alone, I walk with him til' morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me."

Only one person has ever cared for me. Even when he first recieved his soul again-it was I who pushed him away. My perception has changed since then. I know now, that I could live with him anyway. I wouldn't care if he were good or evil,he is my mate and he will never be anything else. But I won't die while he lives forever. He refused to help me. He refused to change me back, to ease this pain. He holds the power to stop this, yet he will not help me. He thinks my humanity is a gift that I should treasure. Why? I'm not strong enough, I never will be strong enough to live as a human. I fucked it up the first time around-why would this time be any different?

"In the rain, the pavement shines like silver.
All the lights, are misty in the river.
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me, forever and forever."

I've grown desperate as I run down the darkening street. I can't listen to the sound of my own heartbeat anymore.

Thump.

*throwaway*

Thump.

*liar*

Thump.

*whore*

Thump.

*killer.*

"Without him, the world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.
I love him.
But everyday I'm learning.
All my life I've only been pretending.
Without me, his world will go on turning.
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known."

If Angel won't save me, I'll find someone who will.

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FINIS

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