It's been nearly ten damn years since he left this place, swearing up and down that he was never coming back, and since then it hasn't changed in the slightest. Bowling alley where the good old boys spend their Saturday nights before they're old enough for bars, the movie theater that only shows one outdated movie feature at a time, the library where he busted his ass after school and on weekends to be the golden boy and get that perfect 4.0. Even the film of red dirt hanging over buildings, vehicles, and people is the same. Lindsey idled at the red light, mildly surprised that the battered has made it this far. There were a few occasions in Nevada when when he had been certain it was going to call it quits and leave him at the mercy of the sun.

The light finally changed and Lindsey turned onto Main Street, noting that same battered buildings that he grew up playing in front of and the nearly 5 to 1 difference in farm trucks and cars. Kingfisher, Oklahoma is a far cry from the glitz of Los Angeles and maybe that's a good thing. After all, it was here that he started losing himself. Seems like as good a place as any to begin looking for that person again.

* * * * * * * *

An hour later Lindsey was checked into the Red Inn, Kingfisher's one and only motel, and wandered idly down Main Street. A few antique shops have been added to cater to the odd tourist that passes through but the basic feel of the place is the same: a small farmtown in the middle of the wheat belt with no real interest in becoming anything more. He had tasted that something more and understands just how bitter it can be, so this was fine with him. Lindsey caught himself actually grinning as he ambled along. It was after dark, but still early enough so that the majority of the teenagers that would be cruising up and down the street later were nowhere to be seen.

"Holy shit."

The voice was familiar, so much so that it made all the hair on the back of Lindsey neck rise sharply, but still he couldn't place the voice to a name and a face until he turned around. "Oh, my God...Tess?"

The woman standing a few paces away from him on the sidewalk nodded slightly, giving him a cool once-over. She was wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt despite the fact that it was a warm night. Soft blond hair was pulled away from her face with clips. "You look different," Tess finally said.

"So do you," Lindsey replied, remembering a blond haired woman-child who had been his closest friend and verbal sparring partner in high school. Tess was thinner than he remembered her, and there were half moon marks under her eyes. "It's good to see you again."

"I'll bet it is," Tess said faintly. She didn't come any closer to him. "So what are you doing back in town? 'Cause as I recall, you left after graduation saying you were getting the hell out of Dodge and never looking back."

Lindsey shrugged a little uneasily. "Big city's not what it's cracked up to be." For a few brief seconds he considered telling her more and let the thought dismiss itself just as quickly. He'd just as soon leave that whole tangled story back in Los Angeles, where it belonged. Better to deal with life here and now, as it was happening to him, and Tess was still eyeballing him with that suspicious, noncommittal look, as if she were expecting him to turn right around and disappear on the highway like he did after high school.
"I thought I'd come back home for a while, get my head straightened out." He gave Tess the shy half smile that used to crack her anger like an egg. "Maybe catch up with some old friends?"

Tess folded her arms over her chest. Okay, Lindsey conceded, so the smile alone ain't going to be enough this time. "Friends?" Tess echoed him. "It's kind of funny that you would say that, actually, since the last time I heard from you you essentially told me to screw off."

'Ouch.' Lindsey winced. He had forgotten how Tess could turn her tongue into a razor when she wished it. Not as if the accusation were without merit. Lindsey remembered that moment, during his freshman year working his ass off to keep a scholarship to UCLA. Letters and phone calls from Tess had gone unanswered for over a month before she finally caught him with a call he thought was for his roommate.

* "Lindsey, what the hell's going on? I was getting worried about you."

"Nothing. I'm fine. Why did you call?" Mild astonishment that his voice could be so distant, so incredibly cold, while talking to his childhood friend.

He could picture Tess blinking in astonishment on the other end of the line. "Why did I call?"

"You can repeat what I just said. I'm proud of you."

"Lindsey..." It took less than a second for Tess to smother the hurt and replace it with biting anger. "I didn't call to listen to you be an arrogant dick, I can tell you that right now. God, what's happening to you? You're away for a couple of months and suddenly you're a different person?"

Lindsey glanced at the clock. "I have a class to get to." That was a lie, the class wasn't for another hour, but he didn't think he could find the words to explain to Tess what being in LA was like. Finally he was away from the stares and the pity, in a place where his classmates could suspect all they wanted about his past but didn't have to know anymore than he chose to tell them. He couldn't explain to Tess why the desire to separate himself from Kingfisher and everything that came with it was a million times stronger than it had ever been before. That included Tess. "Don't call here again."

"Fine," Tess spit out. "Have fun alone, Lindsey. 'Cause if you thin you can walk all over people at will, you're dead wrong." The dial tone rang accusingly in Lindsey's ear. *

"I didn't treat you that well back then," Lindsey admitted.

"Try like shit."

Lindsey amended, "I treated you like shit, Tess, and I'm sorry. I'd like to make a second try at friendship, if you'll let me."

Enough seconds passed by to make Lindsey sure hat Tess was going to spit in his face, tell him where he could shove his apology, and walk away. She remained with her arms crossed severely over her chest and her eyes shooting chips of ice at him. Tess finally dropped her arms and sighed, the sincerely earnest expression on Lindsey's face paying off. The ice in her eyes didn't turn warm, precisely, but it at least melted a bit. Tess gestured to the tiny restaurant across the street. "Buy me a burger," she said, "and you can plead your case."

Lindsey felt himself actually breaking into a smile. It had been so long that it felt foreign on his face, but also very, very good. "All right," he said, "it's a deal."

Tess stared at him. "You're kidding me," she said flatly.

Lindsey flashed a weak grin. "'Fraid not."

She shook her head as she took a gulp of her soda. "I don't believe it." Tess gestured with a French fry as she continued speaking, her voice rising. "Geez, I thought you were basically scum since you left for college, but...man. Lindsey, how could you?"

"I didn't plan it," Lindsey argued. "It's not something you just wake up and decide to do on a whim. It kind of sneaks up on you."

"Man," Tess repeated softly, sinking back in her seat and letting out a low whistle. "I can't believe you became a defense lawyer." Lindsey shrugged and smiled. "Lindsey! They're scum!"

'You have no idea,' Lindsey almost said, and caught himself just in time. Instead he smiled a little uncertainly and began poking at his own food. The silence continued awkwardly for a few more seconds until Lindsey asked, "So, uh, how about you? You were every bit as eager to shake this town's dust off your boots as I was, last I heard."

Tess squirmed a little in her seat and seemed to deflate a bit. Suddenly she stopped meeting Lindsey's eyes, instead finding the view out the restaurant window fascinating. "Yeah, well, you know," she said flatly, "sometimes things don't work out the way you planned. Small town inertia and all that."
Lindsey remained silent. "Don't say you're sorry. I'm not."

"I wasn't going to-" Lindsey protested.

"Oh, yes you were. It was right on the tip of your tongue, I could see it." Tess poked at her burger for a moment and sighed. "Look, Lindsey I know you and I made all those big, grandiose plans when we were kids, but that was all we were. Kids. You were able to make your dreams come true and I'm glad for you, but because mine didn't go exactly according to script doesn't mean that I'm unhappy with my life. That's not the case."

"I didn't mean to imply that you were." Tess was lying. She may be able to read him, but he was able to do the same with her. Well, it was Tess' life and obviously wanted it to stay her business. Lindsey forced a smile. "Hey, I've got a sweet tooth all of a sudden. How about we split dessert?"

Tess shook her head. "I'm full."

"You hardly ate at all," Lindsey pointed out.

His friend smiled slightly and shrugged. "Girlish figure and all that. Hey, how about you and me go into the city tomorrow afternoon, catch a movie or something. I almost feel like I have to get to know you all over again."

"Sure, that sounds like fun," Lindsey said, puzzled by Tess' abrupt subject change. She had grown more fidgety in the last few minutes as well, he noticed, as if she needed to be somewhere quickly and didn't know how to tell him. "Why don't I pick you up around two?"

Brief moment of panic, and then Tess managed to get control again and said smoothly, "Actually, um, how about I meet you? You're staying at the Red Inn, right?"

"Only other option was my truck." Lindsey blinked, still thrown by Tess' odd behavior. "Are you feeling all right? You look kind of...pale."

Tess attempted to smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm great." She tried to rein in her fidgeting. "I'm glad you're back, Lindsey. It didn't really seem like it out there on the sidewalk, but I am. I missed you."

"I missed you, too. You have no idea what LA's like, Tess." Lindsey shook his head. "There's a definite dark side to that town. What can I say? It made me stupid."

Tess smiled, and for just a second looked like she was on the verge of breaking down. The expression came and went so quickly that a moment later Lindsey was sure he had imagined it, and Tess was saying, "Well, this is about all the fluffy sap I can take for the day." She rose from her seat. "There's, uh, somewhere I have to be, so...I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you." Lindsey watched Tess leave the restaurant before standing up himself and tossing a few bills down on the table. Walking out of the restaurant, Lindsey breathed in air not riddled with exhaust fumes and smiled. It felt like he was doing more smiling since crossing the Oklahoma state line than he had his last six months in Los Angeles. His face was beginning to hurt with it. Hell, why shouldn't he be smiling? He was out of Wolfram and Hart, he was free. And he was home.

* * * *

Lindsey awoke early the next morning out of habit and lay on his back staring up at the ceiling, thinking. He had pulled enough cash from his savings account before splitting Los Angeles to last him awhile and he didn't particularly care to look beyond that. The future was nothing more than a nondescript haze and Lindsey couldn't say he was in any kind of hurry to clarify it. For now he was content to bask in the simplicity of the moment and let the future resolve itself when it wished. A moment later he grunted and swung his legs over the side of the bed, stretching languorously. He paused a moment on the way to the shower, turning to glance out the sunlit window. The horrid trailer where he had lived after the bank had foreclosed on the house was a bare ten miles outside the town limits. He hardly had any excuse not to go, or at the very least drive by. Lindsey's jaw tightened and his hands curled himself into fists as he considered. He would be going back for what, exactly? To satisfy some kind of morbid curiosity? He could hardly see himself being welcomed back with loving arms if he knocked on the door, provided that his family was even still there at all. 'Just drive by,' Lindsey told himself as he turned on the hot water. 'You don't have to stop, don't even have to let them know you're back in town. Situation's completely under your control.'

An hour later the pickup truck was idling noisily on the dirt road running past the trailer, or what was left of it. Lindsey stared expressionlessly out the windshield, unsure of how to react or even feel. The trailer was utterly and completely deserted. The same assortment of toys and general junk that he could remember-'White trash, thy name is McDonald,' Lindsey thought bitterly-was still scattered about the yard, but the whole place was haunted with the empty, forlorn air that a home only gains after it has lain devoid of its family for a long time. "Knock it off," Lindsey muttered to himself in response to his sentimental musings, angrily throwing the truck into first gear. The place wasn't even a real house, much less a home. Christ, he hadn't even *talked* to his family in years. So what if they had packed up and gotten the Hell out of Dodge the same way he had? "Coming back was the right thing," Lindsey muttered softly to himself as he drove away faster than was probably wise. "I'm doing the right thing."

* * * *

"What do you mean?" Tess demanded into the phone. She waited, fuming, as the voice on the other end of the line tried to mollify her. "Well, when *are* you going to have more?" The answer wasn't reassuring. "Fine, that's fine."

She listened for a moment. "Doesn't look like I have any other choice, does it?" Tess slammed the phone angrily back into its cradle and stared moodily around her rat trap apartment. "God, this place is a fricking pit." Still grumbling and cursing to herself, Tess dug around in her purse until she located a lighter and her cigarettes. As she put the cigarette in her mouth and lit it, inhaling several calming lungfulls before she even began to relax, Tess noted distractedly that her hands were shaking.