I’m cleaning up the breakfast dishes.  That’s what mortal women are supposed to do.  I think.

Xander took today off so that we could go shopping for apartment things.  I’m going to buy new curtains.  This is exciting to me, although I can’t understand why.

Xander is talking to Giles on the telephone.  I can’t hear what he’s saying, but he sounds upset.

I turn of the water and dry my hands as Xander hangs up the phone.

When he turns to face me, he’s crying.

I’ve known Xander for almost two years now, and I have never seen him cry.

My entire world is thrown off balance, and I feel as if my stomach has dropped to my feet, all because of a few drops of salty water leaking from my mate’s eyes.

“Buffy’s mom is dead.” He explains, sitting down at the kitchen table.

Joyce is dead?

I join him.

“What do you mean, dead?”

“She’s dead Anya! Dead, dead! As in gone forever, never coming back, dead!” he snaps at me.

I have made him angry again.  I really try not to, but he’s the one that always tells me to ask him if I don’t understand something.

That’s one of the things I love most about Xander.  Whenever I don’t understand something, he always tries to explain it to me.  Even when he doesn’t understand either.

He’s quiet now, though.  Sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands.

Joyce is dead.

No!  She can’t be dead.  She’s supposed to come over tomorrow and help me with the curtains.

I remind Xander of this, and he glares at me.

Then he sighs and rubs his eyes.  Suddenly he looks much older than twenty and I tell him so.

He gives me a small, sad, smile and leans over to kiss my forehead.

“Honey, I need you to be quiet for a while so that I can think, okay?”

I nod and go back to the dishes in the sink.

Joyce is the one who taught me how to wash  dishes. And now, she’s dead.

Joyce is dead.

**********

Xander and I are driving in silence on our way to pick up Willow and Tara at the dorm.  I’m staring out the window and all I can do is think about all of the things that Joyce will never get to do again.

I know that Xander asked me to be quiet, but I need to know...

“Why?”

My voice sounds loud in the quiet car.

“Why what?” he already sounds irritated.

Still, I press forward.

“Why is Joyce dead?”

“Something went wrong in her brain. An aneurysm or something.”

I don’t know what that means, and that wasn’t what I was asking anyway.

“Why?” I try again.

“Anya, please! Please be quiet.”

I sigh.  I don’t understand.

We pull up to the witches’ dorm and Xander stops the car.

“You wanna come up?” he asks, looking at me for the first time since we left the apartment.

I do, and I want to tell him this. Instead, I say what’s on my mind.

“You’re double parked.”

“Let them give me a ticket.”

I think this is his way of saying that he wants me to come with him, and so I do.

As we walk into the building, I can’t help but notice all of the students.  They are acting as if this is just an ordinary day.

I’m about to ask one of them why they aren’t upset when it occurs to me that they probably don’t even know who Joyce is.

It’s hard for me to remember that the things that are important to me are not necessarily as important to everyone else.

Joyce is dead.

I’ve seen a lot of people die.  I’ve been the cause of a lot of deaths, but I don’t know what happens after someone dies.  I was a vengeance demon.  I never hung around for the funerals.

“So, what do we do?” I ask him as we climb the stairs.

“I’m not sure. Willow talked to Giles.”

We’ve reached the hall now, and since Xander answered my question I think it’s okay to ask more now.

“But what will we be expected to do?”

I was wrong.  He doesn’t answer.  He just walks into Willow’s room and gives her a hug.

Tara and I nod at each other.

I like Tara for two different reasons. One, she makes me feel not as alone when we get left behind as the real scoobies do their thing.  And two, Willow is in love with her, and that means I don’t have to worry about Xander being unfaithful.

“How ya doing?” Xander asks her.

Willow shakes her head and wraps her arms around herself.

“I know the feeling” he quips.

“I’m afraid I’m gonna start to cry again.” Willow admits.

This reminds me of the unbelievable shock of witnessing Xander’s tears earlier.  Maybe if Willow knows that Xander cried too, she’ll feel better.

“Xander cried at the apartment. It was weird.” I offer.

“Yeah, it’s a thing we do.” she tells me.

I feel angry and hurt at her words.  But then I remember that we are all upset and decide not to say anything.

Joyce is dead.

Xander wouldn’t answer my questions, maybe Willow or Tara will.

“What’s going to happen?” I ask.

“Well, I guess we’re going to meet them at the morgue. That’s where they’re taking her.” Willow explains.

Then Tara says something about Buffy going to Dawn’s school to tell her.

Willow goes to change her clothes.

Xander starts going on about how maybe Glory is behind it.  But he knows that’s not true.  Then he tries to blame the doctors.  He just wants to blame someone, anyone can see that.  I don’t know how to help him.

Willow does though.  She jokes around a little, and gets him to give up.

So, I’m going to the morgue.  I wonder if we’ll have to look at the body.  I really don’t want to.

“Are we gonna see the body?” I ask.

“What?!”

I’ve upset Willow and embarrassed Xander and all I did was ask a question.  Maybe they didn’t understand what I was asking.

“Are we gonna be in the room with the dead body?” I ask

“I don’t....no.” Willow answers.

Tara changes the subject and Willow changes clothes again, but I’m not paying attention.

My friends are hurting.  I am hurting.  Maybe if we know exactly how Joyce died, we’ll feel better. I wonder if they’re going to do an a... I can’t remember the word.  That one that means cut open the body and study the insides to find a cause of death?

Tara has left to find something, and I want to voice my idea.

“Are they going to cut the body open?”

That sounded better in my head.

“Oh my God! Stop talking! Just.... shut your mouth please!” Willow yells at me.

I’m getting frustrated!  I hate not understanding things.  Maybe if I keep asking, she’ll get mad enough to bluntly answer my questions.

“What am I doing?”

“How can you act like that?” she asks me with a disgusted look.

That’s it!

“Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I mean, is that the helpful thing to do?” I’m not being sarcastic, and I think that this upsets Willow even more.

“The way you behave....”

I feel like there is something bottled up inside of me about to burst out and I struggle to remain calm.

“Nobody will tell me.”

“Because it’s not okay for you to be asking these things!”

I can’t hold it in anymore.  I no longer have the strength, and so, I just let go.

“But I don’t understand!  I don’t understand how this all happens.. how we go through this! I mean, I knew her, and she’s..... There’s just a body and I don’t understand why she can’t just get back in it and not be dead anymore! It’s stupid! It’s mortal and stupid!”

“And Xander’s crying and not talking, and I was drinking fruit punch, and I thought, ‘Well, Joyce will never have anymore fruit punch, ever! And she’ll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever! And no one will explain to me why!”

My outburst is met with silence, and I realize that there are tears streaming down my face.  I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Xander tries to comfort me, but I push him away. He should have done that earlier.  I’ll forgive him.  I love him.  But it can wait ‘till later.

As I sit down and try to collect myself, Willow speaks.

“We don’t know... how it works... why.”

Why couldn’t she say that earlier?

Joyce is dead.

**********

We’re at the hospital now.  I stand back and watch as everyone hugs each other.  Even Tara gets a hug, and again I feel left out.

Xander hugs Giles, and decide to hug him too.

I’m glad that I did.  As I feel Giles’ strong arms wrap around me, I realize that I love him.  I don’t remember my father, but I think that Giles satisfies the need for a parent that I have.  That everyone has.  In his embrace, I realize that everything is going to be okay, and I feel better.

Giles leaves with the doctor to fill out forms for Buffy, and Dawn leaves to go pee.

Buffy, Willow and Tara are sitting on a sofa with me and Xander standing in front of them.  They’re talking about Dawn, but I’m not listening.

I feel this intense desire to say something to Buffy.  But I’m scared.  Not of what Willow or Xander might think, but of what Buffy might think. I want to stop her from hurting, and yet the rational side of me knows that that is impossible.

Still, I need to say something to express my sympathy.  I wish I had bought a card.  Oh, well. I’ll just simply tell her what I feel and maybe, she’ll understand.

“I wish that Joyce didn’t die.” I blurt out.

Xander and Willow look at me as if I’m committing the ultimate sin.

I probably would have kept quiet after that if I hadn’t seen the look on Buffy’s face.

It was almost as if she knew that I needed to say something to her.  So, I bravely continue.

“Because she was nice. And now we all hurt.”

“Anya, ...ever the wordsmith.” Xander is trying to ease the tension.

I love him.

But Buffy looks at me, and gives me a genuine, albeit small, smile.

“Thank you.” she say sincerely.

I feel good now.  Complete.  Like I’ve done something that needed to be done, and now things can move on.

Joyce is dead.

I don't understand it, but that's okay. Because I am human, and humans aren't supposed to understand everything.