"So you see my sister Ruby she lives down in San Diego been there ever since her husband retired from the Navy then up and died a month later God rest his soul she likes it but the bus stop is just awful since they put those new benches in they are too close to the curb and she's afraid that she will fall into the street before she can get her keister onto the bench...."

"I see."

"...but she won this trip to Vegas as a door prize at the mondo bingo bash down at St. Johns they don't give those kind of prizes out every week only when the jackpot number is B-13 odd that a church would make that the jackpot number but they do things different down there..."

"Mrs. McPearson?"

"...I just don't understand that other game they play - lucky seven it's never been lucky for me but Ruby's neighbor won $250 last Spring on it but Margie has always been lucky she even won the big prize on 'Truth or Consequences' back in 1968 or was it 1970 I can't remember but she got a washer and dryer and..."

"Mrs. McPearson!"

"Yes Mr. Giles?"

"What can I do for you?"

Rosie blinked. "Oh! well Ruby invited me to go to Vegas with her and I was wondering if you would watch Tinkerbell and Blossom?" She smiled and held up two critter carriers, one containing a growling Chihuahua the other a sour looking 20 pound tabby cat.

Rupert's first thought was to fake an attack of appendicitis; his second was to run, but he went with option three - he stuttered. "Ah.. ah.. ah... well.. I don't.. I never.. it's just... ah... mmmm.."

"Oh thank you! You are such a good neighbor." Rosie swept past him and deposited the carriers on the couch.

"Mrs. McPearson I really don't know if I should be the one to take on this... ah... responsibility. I've never had a dog or a caaaattt-sheew." His tea sloshed out onto the carpet as he went for his handkerchief. "I'm a bit allergic to cat hair."

"Oh you poor dear!" Rosie murmured as she went back out the door. "My departed husband Ernest God rest his soul was allergic to Tinkerbell but I gave him some vitamins and garlic capsules and he got better I still have it over there so I'll bring it along with the litterbox and the food and the leash and their little beds and..." Her voice faded as she went into her apartment.

Rupert pressed his hand against his side and reconsidered the medical emergency ploy. Rosie was an odd bird who had spent the last three years noting the nocturnal comings and goings in his flat. In matter of fact she had a list which she had threatened to send to the landlord when he had inadvertently taken her parking space. "Oh.... wonderful." He mumbled as he went over to the couch and bent down to greet his house guests.

Blossom wrinkled his muzzle and snarled.

Tinkerbell sized Rupert up then hissed.

Rupert curled his lip.

"Here's my baby's things." Rosie reappeared in the doorway pulling a large red wagon full of assorted items. "Now Blossom likes his supper made into little meatballs and Tinkerbell will only eat from her special bowl both like their beds in the sun in the morning but it gets too warm in the afternoon for that so then you have to move them to a spot without drafts." She unfurled a sheaf of paper and stuffed it into a bootbox full of bottles and jars and handed it to him. "I've written it down and here are the vitamins that Ernest God rest his soul took until he died I think they are still good it's only been five years."

"How long will you be gone?"

"Three nights four days when we get there but then I have to drive down to San Diego and pick Ruby up she won't drive any more since she hit that bus but it wasn't her fault I don't know why that policeman cited her the bus was in her blind spot it could happen to anybody so I'll pick her up tomorrow and then we go to Vegas..."

"What day and hour will you be back?"

Rosie tapped her cheek. "Next Wednesday about 6:00 in the evening."

The math shot through Rupert's head. "Six days, nine hours and sixteen minutes from now."

"Don't worry I've brought enough ground chuck and my special vegetable and vitamin mix for my babies oh you better get it into the refrigerator I'll do that for you..."

"That's not necessary.. ah" Rupert's voice went to a squeak as Rosie lugged a cooler to his kitchen and opened the refrigerator.

"Mr. Giles you're refrigerator is terrible you don't eat do you that is such a shame when I get back you will have to come over for a pot roast Ernest God rest his soul loved my pot roast in matter of fact it was his last meal..."

"Undoubtedly with a cupful of..." Rupert thought as he pulled a cardboard container from the box. "...Doctor Tam's Patented Golden Herbal Energy Cure as a chaser."

Rosie noticed the motion. "You should try some of that Mr. Giles it made a new man out of my Ernest God rest his soul you could say it put a spring in his step and made his eyes so bright and shiny it was just unbelievable how much he changed after taking that when I get back I'll have to come over and fix you some of it..."

"Th-th-hat will not be necessary." Rupert said as he sat the box down on the counter. "Are you sure you want me to watch your 'babies'? I'm really not... not sure I'm up to the job."

Rosie gave him a wicked look. "Well you seem to take care of all those young people that are here all hours of the day and night." She added a sharp nod to punctuate the statement and went to say goodbye to her dear pets. Opening the cage doors she pulled each one out and gave it kisses. "Now Tinkerbell you be good for Mr. Giles and Blossom you behave too. Mommie will miss you and be thinking of you and will bring her snuggies a treat..."

Rupert rolled his eyes heavenward.

******

With a very insincere smile and a strained counterfeit coo in his voice, Rupert raised the broom handle and again tried to nudge the Chihuahua forward. "Please get out of there, you miserable little bugger before you get hurt."

Blossom inched a step back further behind the water heater and snapped.

"You sweet little four legged, fanged, hairless demon come on out here and eat..."

Blossom assumed the position of a sweet little three legged, fanged hairless demon.

"..... Arugh! No! NO! Not again!" Rupert tossed the broom down and grabbed for some paper towels. "Is there any surface in this place you have not watered?!"

The Chihuahua took off like a shot leaving a trail of wet footprints across the tile. As Rupert grabbed the pine cleaner and began to wipe up the mess Tinkerbell vaulted up onto the countertop sending paperwork sailing through the kitchen.

"Marrawer!"

"And another country heard from." Rupert muttered.

"Marrawer.... MARRAWER!!"

"Yes damnit! Your supper is fifteen seconds late." He stood and pointed his finger at the cat. "Look at you! It would serve you well to miss a few meals!"

"MARRAWER!"

Giles snatched the care and feeding instructions up off the floor. "Let's see... today 'you' get the chicken and salmon platter with two tablespoons of your 'mum's special vegetable and vitamin side' mixed in. Oh.. and pardon me, I can't forget to heat it for twenty-two seconds in the microwave." A frown crossed his face as he peered over his glasses at the feline. "'I' have never been treated to a chicken and salmon platter with special vegetables and vitamins heated for exactly twenty-two seconds." He rattled the instructions and sneered. "I think I will heat it for only nineteen. How do you like that?"

"Marrawer.... MARRAWER!!"

"And your 'brother in legs' gets tiny meatballs made with ground chuck and also the special vegetables and vitamins sautéed in olive oil, which for today only, has been seasoned with one eighth teaspoon minced garlic." He glanced over at the Chihuahua who returned his gaze and growled. "But little beastie you are getting the same thing you had last night and the night before."

"Gurrrrr... snap!"

"I don't care! When you get hungry enough you will eat it. You haven't eaten a damned thing since you darkened my door three days ago, and let me remind you; there are hundreds of starving dogs who would be happy to get a meal..." Rupert stopped and began to doubt his sanity. "I'm talking to a dog... no... even better, I'm trying to reason with a dog." He shook his head and began to prepare Tinkerbell's supper and true to his threat only heated it for nineteen seconds. He then turned his attention to the uneaten food in Blossom's bowl. "Oh.. hell." He said as he dumped it out. "It is looking rather sorry. I'll fix you something fresh."

Joyce answered the phone. "Hello."

"Ah... yes.. ah Joyce? It's Rupert Giles."

"Buffy's not here.."

"Oh I was calling you. I.. I.. have a problem and you might be able to help. If it's not too much bother."

"What is it?" Joyce asked a bit hesitantly as her mind went to Hellmouthy scenarios.

"Well.. Buffy told me once that her Grandmother had a Chihuahua. Is this correct?"

"Yes, Hank's mother had one."

Rupert cleared his throat. "So do I."

"I didn't know you had a dog."

"I don't. I'm just watching one for my neighbor and it won't eat." He cleared his throat again. "So... ah, I was wondering if you had any insight into the mind of a Chihuahua?"

Joyce busted out laughing. "Esther hand fed hers."

"I value my fingers." Rupert deadpanned.

"Hummm, have you tried coaxing it?"

"Yes... I even tried reasoning with it. But Joyce nothing works!"

"In Spanish I hope. They only understand Spanish."

Rupert blinked.

Joyce busted out laughing again.

"Joyce! The little beast is going to starve and I don't know what to do!"

"I'm sorry... but it is funny. You face all sorts of evil, nasty things and a little dog has you flustered. I just can't help..."

"TINKERBELL! NO!! GET AWAY FROM THAT!"

A scurry of activity came through the phone causing Joyce to resort to biting her lip to suppress a giggle - or three. Thirty seconds later Rupert returned to the phone. "I'm back... so sorry."

"What did the dog do?"

"It was not the dog. It was that... that medicine ball with legs... that full two stone cat that is also my guest. She finished her supper then was making quick work of Blossom's. I had to put the dog bowl on top of the refrigerator to keep that bottomless pit of a feline away from it."

"Would you like me to come over and see if I can get the dog to eat?" Joyce asked. "We had a poodle when I was a kid that would only listen to me."

Rupert's voice had a slight quiver in it. "Would you please?"

"Be right there. Bye-bye."

"Thank you, goodbye." Rupert pressed the phone against his forehead and sighed.

Tinkerbell sauntered into the living room and sat down in front of him. "MARRAWER!"

From behind the water heater Blossom grumbled.

Taking out his handkerchief Giles caught the sneeze that came mushrooming out of nowhere. He wiped his eyes and sniffed a bit.

"Marrawer."

"No more food for you." He told the cat as he settled back. "You know, even though you and your friend are an annoyance, it is good to have someone to talk too. And quite honestly your presence has not triggered the allergic reaction I expected. Maybe it's your pampered diet?" Rupert pulled the bootbox full of cures off the end table and began to pick through it. "Your mum has quite the collection here. Let's see, vitamins A, E, all the B's and it rest of the alphabet. Garlic capsules, yeast tablets, New Morning Cleansing Suppositories." His eyebrow shot up as he dropped the latter quickly back into the box. With a nod to Tinkerbell, he stage whispered. "We will just pretend we did not even see that one. Now... oh yes, the Doctor Tam's. This is what 'Ernest God Rest His Soul' dosed himself with.

Giles held the box up and unsuccessfully searched for an ingredient list. He pried the lid off and peeked inside. Picking up a pinch of the tiny flakes he held it to his nose. It didn't smell bad, in matter of fact it had an appealing aroma. Where had he smelled that before? He considered for a minute and again addressed the cat. "Why this is the seasoning that your mum puts on your vegetables."

With a last sniff at the Doctor Tam's he went on the next layer of herbs, spices, tablets, capsules and tonics. Just as he finished a knock on the door announced Joyce's arrival.

"Beggin' Strips!" Joyce announced as he opened the door. She held up two packs of the doggie treat and grinned. "Bribery works with kids and dogs. Now introduce me to that cute, little Blossom."

Cute, little Blossom shot between their legs and headed out into the night.

Rupert nearly bowled Joyce over as he ran after his escaping charge, screaming at the top of his lungs. "OH NO!! GET BACK HERE!!!"

A car horn blasted, accompanied by the squealing of brakes and the driver yelling a well phrased question concerning Rupert's intelligence and heritage as he swerved around the man who had ran out in front of him.

"Are you all right?" A very shaken Joyce asked.

"Yes, but where is the dog?" Answered Rupert in a high voice.

"Down there!" She pointed down the street as the backside of the Chihuahua disappeared around the corner.

"Get your car and follow." Rupert yelled over his shoulder as he took off in pursuit.

Three hours, eight alleys, one cemetery, four loading docks, a hundred side streets and a muddy creek later:

Rupert climbed into the passenger seat rubbing his temples and mumbling. "I want a drink. I want a bottle. I want to be unconscious."

Joyce squished her toes within her soaked sneakers; flicked a couple of clumps of mud off her sweatshirt and jeans then shot him an exceedingly unkind look. "Uh-huh... next time you head him off at the pass."

"I'm really sorry about that. I had no idea the bank was that steep." He pulled at his collar for a moment and glanced over at Joyce. With a thin smile he attempted a bit of humor. "Realistically, some people pay a lot of money for a mud treatment."

"I'll get you for that." He voice had a stern tone but a half smile formed as she repeated. "Mud treatment? More like mutt treatment. You're just lucky you tore the seat out of your pants going over that fence, that makes us almost even."

"There he is again." Giles pointed forward as Blossom trotted out of the brush twenty yards away.

Joyce put the keys into the ignition then shook a finger toward the dog. "He's just messing with us."

"Undoubtedly."

"Worse than a spoiled brat."

"Just out to get our goat."

"Bet he thinks this is funny."

Rupert and Joyce looked at each other and began to snicker. Giles rolled down his window and stuck is head out. "Blossom! Playtime is over! If you do not return to this vehicle immediately we will leave you here to become a midnight snack for the coyotes and owls."

Laying her head on the steering wheel Joyce went into giggle-snorts. "Remember! Speak Spanish! ¡Yo Quiero Taco Bell!" Rupert joined in with the laughter. "Maybe we should swing through the drive through and lure him in with a plate of nachos."

"Yip!"

The sharp bark was very close. Giles arched both eyebrows and leaned his head out the window.

"Yip! Yip! Yipyipyipyipyip!"

He opened the door and the tiny dog made an astonishing leap onto his lap. "Well I'll be..." He began as Blossom burrowed down beside him and shivered.

"Poor thing!" Joyce murmured.

"It is rather pitiful." Rupert agreed while taking out his handkerchief and covering the canine's back. He made a tisk-tisk sound as he tucked the edges of the material around Blossom then gave him a small scratch behind the ears. "Well boy it seems you learned your less-yeeeaAAAAUUGGGHH"

Giles' hand came up with the Chihuahua firmly attached.

"LET GO YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!" He screamed as he pried the jaws free. Without thinking he gave the dog a toss into the back seat as he swore a blue streak. Joyce grabbed the handkerchief and pressed it onto Rupert's bleeding hand. "How bad is it? Will you need stitches? Has he had his shots? Let me see!"

Rupert calmed down enough for the language to lessen from vile to semi-rude.

"Sorry about that neighbor, but you shouldn't have jerked around like that."

Rupert and Joyce's eyes locked for a split second then as one they turned in their seats to find a naked, elderly man sitting in the back.

Joyce said the first thing that came to her mind. "Were-Chihuahua ?"

"Not any more. Thanks neighbor." The man's cheeks reddened. "I would shake hands but my hands are all I got to cover myself with. You don't happen to have a blanket or something in here would you?"

Joyce shook her head "no" and made that funny noise everyone makes when they find a naked man in the back seat.

"Who are you?" Rupert asked.

"Ernest McPearson. Rosie's husband."

Rupert nodded slowly. "Why, may I ask, were you a Chihuahua?"

"Same reason Ruby's a tabby cat." He leaned forward and winked. "Rosie caught us. There might be snow on the roof but there's still a fire in the furnace."

"Who's Ruby?" Joyce asked as she finally remembered to blink.

"Rosie's sister." Giles rubbed his fingers back through his hair and regained some composure. "Your.. wife said she was going to Las Vegas with Ruby."

"Nope." Ernest said while settling back in his seat. "She flew out East to someplace in the Poconos to pick up another five year's worth of that Doctor Tam's potion. That's what kept us changed. But I figured it out when I started to remember all the stuff she's told me over the years. I had to go without it for three full days and then bite someone to get a taste of human blood."

Joyce's eyes got wide. "Is Rupert going to change into a Chihuahua?!"

Ernest shrugged. "Don't think so."

"Don't 'think' so? Splendid!" Rupert's voice cracked as his eyes darted between his bleeding hand and Ernest.

"I'm sorry! I would have bit someone else if you would have let me, but that coyote thing got me nervous. You know we Chihuahuas are a nervous kind of dog."

"Well answer this - if you knew what was going on why didn't you try to communicate with me? God knows you chewed enough letters out of my newspapers and magazines! You could have... have spit them out in a message for help on my kitchen floor!"

"I was still 100% dog up until this afternoon, that's when it started coming back to me. Anyway I didn't know whose side you were on. You got more hoo-doo books than Rosie." He stopped and raised one hand to quickly scratch his ears in a disturbing manner, then gave Rupert an accusing look. "So you didn't feed me or what?"

Rupert shook a fist at Ernest. "I tried to feed you! Blast it! I did everything but prechew your tiny meatballs! But you missed your... 'owner' so much that you would not eat."

"So I was a good dog?" He shivered a little. "Lady you mind turning on the heater?"

Joyce turned forward in her seat and giving Ernest a final look in the rear view, started the car. "Hospital or home?" She asked Rupert.

"Depends..." Rupert grumbled as he peeled the handkerchief back. "Looks mostly like puncture wounds." He shot Ernest a glare. "Have you had your shots?"

"Yep!"

"Then home, please Joyce."

When they pulled up in front of the apartments Ernest leaned forward and tapped Rupert on the shoulder. "Now Rosie always kept a spare key in one of those fake rocks under the bushes, you think you could go in and get me some pants?"

Rupert merely nodded his answer.

"I'm going too." Joyce said while getting out of the car.

"A false stone with a key?" Giles inquired as they got to the front door.

"Yeah, they have them. If the thief is really stupid they work." Joyce said with a shrug as she bent down and began to search. "Here it is!"

Rupert took the key and opened the McPearson's apartment. They both stood and peered in at the living room. Plastic covered lampshades - check; doilies on every conceivable surface - check; God-awful, ugly vase - check, Grand Canyon souvenir throw pillow - check; small table draped in black velvet holding black magic supplies - check.

They exchanged glances.

"Well... let's find his pants." Joyce sighed.

"This looks like the same layout as mine, only a mirror reverse." Rupert noted. "I'll check the upstairs closet. Why don't you stay here by the door?"

"Okay." Joyce agreed, stepping away to let Rupert through. She leaned against the doorjamb and waited while Giles disappeared up the stairs and began to rummage around. After several long minutes he reappeared wearing a pair of Ernest's trousers and carrying a second pair along with his own ripped ones.

"He owes me a pair." Giles muttered.

Joyce pursed her lips. "Are you going to bite him back too?"

"Don't tempt me." Rupert grumbled heading back to the car.

Joyce turned her attention to Rupert's still ajar front door. "The cat! Oh no...." She went over and entered. "Here kitty. Here Kitty, kitty, kitty."

"Marrawer."

"Look at you." She put her hands on her hips and stared at the biggest tabby she had ever seen in her life. Tinkerbell lay draped across the top of the refrigerator beside Blossom's licked clean food bowl. "Talk about a wide load!"

"Yup! Ruby was always a little broad in the beam." Ernest said with a smile as he moseyed into the kitchen. "But now it's time for me to take her back home. "Come on honey. Let's go on over to my place and wait on Rosie." This said he picked up the cat, backtracked over to retrieve the enclosed litterbox and with a final word of neighborly thanks he left.

Rupert shut the door. "Only in Sunnydale."

"Do you have anything to take care of that hand?"

"Yes, that entire cabinet to the left of the sink is first aid supplies."

Joyce opened the cabinet door and began to take out the required items. "Wash that well, then let me wrap it up."

"No need to bother..."

"You heard me." She interrupted as she went through the various antibiotic salves.

"Yes Madam."

"Don't you have anything that stings?" Joyce deadpanned.

Rupert began to wash the bites. "So you have an ulterior motive in your offer to aid in my treatment?" He held up his hand to examine. "The little bugger got me good."

Joyce took his place at the sink and washed the mud from her hands. "Just be thankful Rosie didn't like Rottwielers."

"Valid point."

With a askew grin she took his hand and inspected the bite. "Well let's take care of it, then you can fix us both a well deserved drink."

"An extremely large one." Rupert concluded.

As she began to apply the salve she tossed her head toward the front door. "What do you think is going to happen when Rosie comes home?"

"I don't know the answer to that, but rest assured I will not be home between noon and midnight on Wednesday."

"Good idea." Joyce said with a nod as she began to wrap the gauze around his hand. "You could come over to my house and hide." She tilted her head and smiled at him. "Would you like to come for supper?"

Rupert returned the smile. "I would be delighted. What do you want me to bring?"

"Just yourself."

******

"I could use a few more evenings like this." Rupert thought to himself as he waited out the light. "Gourmet meal, pleasant company, long enjoyable conversation." He glanced at his watch and noted the late hour. A little too long of conversation perhaps, but he had enjoyed himself and it seemed that Joyce had also. As he pulled away from the light he began to wonder what had happened when Rosie came home to find Ernest on two legs, Ruby on her third day sans the Doctor Tam's and most of her witchcraft supplies hauled to the dumpster.

The first thing Giles noticed as he pulled onto his street was Rosie's car attached to the back of the moving truck. The second thing was a rather plump older woman heading toward it carrying a pair of plastic covered lamps. Third on the list was Ernest emerging from the apartment with a yipping, yapping Chihuahua in tow.

Rupert stepped on the gas and kept on driving.