Being the Mouth of Hell isn't quite all its cracked up to be. Nobody _ever_ visits unless they're trying to tear me open or force me back shut. It's enough to give a seething mass of energy a complex, I tell you! And those who do show up... well, not exactly great conversationalists, either. Can you blame me for getting bored on occasion?

So, I'm sure everyone can see why I'm forced to range further afield for my amusements. Luckily, I have quite the cast of characters residing over me. Did you notice the Slayer and vampire I managed to hook up? Now _that_ was a hoot and a half. The love! The anguish! The drama! The angst! One of my proudest creations, those two.

Yes, I do indeed spend my vast amounts of spare time playing matchmaker. Love can be more destructive than a natural disaster in the right circumstances.

Anyway, the dark and brooding hero ran off the L.A. - put a real cramp in my plans, he did. I think everyone would have loved what I had in store for them next. Ah, well. I'm not one to mourn lost possibilities. I turned my attention towards other prospective couples.

There was the zombie and the widowed schoolteacher. The robot and the water nymph. The geek and the school's most popular girl. The geek and the football player. The geek, the girl _and_ the football player.

And then I saw _them_. Be still, my fluctuating energy fields! It was perfect. It was diabolical. It was so very me. The witch and the vampire. No, it doesn't seem so awful, does it? Just wait until you get the whole story. Remember the slayer? The witch is her best friend. The slayer's true love? Sire to vamp number two. Vamp number two? Slayer's enemy. Ooh, just thinking about this still makes me shiver!

Now, I don't want to seem overly smug, but trust you me - _nobody_ else could have swung what I did with those two. They were perfectly incompatible, I tell you. I damned well took even _me_ a year to get them into position.

First, there was this demon. An utterly delightful Nnnngk demon who was passing through town. She owed me a favour, and was kind enough to initiate her own brand of chaos upon my urging. What a blast!

Wait, wait, give me a minute to stop laughing....

Okay... wait, no, another minute....

Okay. You ready? You sure?

She melded them at the hip! Ha! Told you it was great, didn't I? You've never seen a spectacle like it in your life. If I had the arms to wield a video camera, I'd have tapped it for you. Maybe sent it into America's Funniest Home Videos (which, I'll have you know, I'm responsible for. Really! Who else do you think could have come up with such a concept?). Ah, yeah. Now _that's_ the stuff memories are made of. They waddled and bitched and waddled and bitched... I'm going to
have to try that move out again. The next time, I'll remember to get someone to tape it for me.

I barely even gave them time enough for their skin to patch back up before I sprang my next surprise on them. I switched their bodies! Hah! Oh, my. If only you'd been there. I've never seen two people more uncomfortable. She spent most of that week chained up in the bathtub crying. He spent most of it trying to kill the Slayer. She wasn't amused. He ended up getting chained to a chair. Whining.

After that, I gave them a little rest and went to check up on my zombie and schoolteacher. Ouch. Note to self, next time, avoid pairing brain sucking undead with brainy mortal.

Let's see... then I made the witch be the slayer, the vampire be his sire, and re-live that grand romance. Then the witch was the vampire, the vampire the slayer, and I made the re-live it again! After that, the witch was possessed by the vampire's ex. The witch's ex (a werewolf!) came back and accidentally gnawed on the vampire during a full moon. I locked them in a basement together. Then a cellar. Then an attic. A crawlspace. A closet. A trunk.

I think they were getting a bit suspicious by then. So, to divert their attention, I focused my energies on the slayer for a bit. (I turned her into a telepathic slug! A man! Gave her scales! Made her go bald! Gave her visions of her true love doing his sire! Gave her a zit!).

Unfortunately, I realized that I'd left my couple in that car trunk. Oops. What can I say? Even I make the occasional mistake. Fortunately, Death and I happen to have an understanding. I don't meant to brag, really, I don't, but I make her bones hum. So, anyway, Death and I worked out an agreement which allowed vampire and witch to return to life. Yes, you go it! _After_ a horrifying escape through a monster filled underworld! Death has a devious mind. That's why I like her so damned much. That and she had some _fine_ bones.

You'd think that the entire hip melding, body switching, basement- cellar- attic- crawlspace- closet- trunk and death thing would have helped those two bond. You'd be wrong. They hated each other, really, really _hated_ each other when they climbed out of that car trunk. I loved it!

Side note: make sure the Watcher is out of town before you go after any of his family again. Hmph. The man has no sense of humour. I finally had to resort to breaking up my robot and water nymph so that she could entertain the Watcher. Side note two: next time, skip the water nymph. How was I to know he didn't go for small, bubbly and sloshy? Doesn't everyone like nymphs?

Back to vampire and witch. Hating each other. Ha! Haven't you ever watched TV? They'll snap anytime now -- no, no, sexual tension-wise. They'll snap the other way at some later date. See, because as fun as it is getting people together, breaking them up is the _real_ blast. Just you wait and see what I come up with next. This isn't anywhere near over. Ooh! I'm getting giddy already!

In the meantime, I think I'll stop in and see what the ex-demon and her boy are up to.