If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please aske someone to press 1 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, please press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, please press 9696969696969969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with thestar and pound keys until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, please press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the bee, Please wait for the beep.

If you have a short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have a short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have a short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have a short-term memory loss, please press 9.

If you have a low self esteem, please hang up... all of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are suicidle, please jump out of the window while pressing 0.

Thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline... Please Call Again {{{DISCONNECT}}}