Is That a Fly on Your Nose, or are you Just a Psycho?
PETE: [anxiously] Ray, can you see that fly on my nose?
RAY: Fly? No, I can’t fly. But I can pull stupid faces, look!
PETE: You mean, that’s not your usual face?
MICK: RAY! Leave go of me shoulder, you’re HURTING!
PETE: [panicking] WHAT ABOUT MY FLY???
DAVE: You might need help with it.
SPEV: [leaping in from nowhere] Did I just hear Pete Quaife asking for help with his fly? [smiles hopefully]
PETE: Not that sort of fly, the one on my nose! Look at it!
SPEV: Can’t see anything, please let me help you off with your trousers!
PETE: Not until we’ve got rid of this invisible fly on my nose!
SPEV: I know! I’ll save the day with my trusty can of invisible fly spray.
DAVE: [sings] Oooh, a puppet on a striiiiiiinnnnng…AHH!
SPEM: [leaping in from nowhere] HEEEEE! Don’t DO that!
DAVE: I’m being turned into a marionette. What do I do?
SPEM: A marionette? [sings] Like a puppet on a striiiiiiiinnng…AHH!?
DAVE: Exactly like one of them.
MICK: Ray, I’m WARNING you, leave go of my shoulder!
RAY: Did anyone ever tell you you’ve got a lovely neck?
PETE: He’s got nice ears, too! But enough of him, what about my fly?
SPEV: Bare your…… [smiles evilly] ERM! Ahem. Bare your teeth angrily at it and it might scare it away.
[PETE does so, growling angrily.]
SPEV: Be still my beating heart... [faints]
SPEM: Spev, wake up! [slapping SPEV round the face]
SPEV: Sorry, I er, tripped... [whistles innocently]
[There is silence for a few seconds]
RAY: Did it work, Pete?
PETE: It just bared its teeth back at me! Am I ever going to be rid of this bloody fly?
SPEM: Here you go! [whacks PETER on the nose with a fly swat]
PETE: OW!
SPEV: Spem, what was that for? [kisses PETE’s sore nose] Poor little love…
PETE: It’s okay, I’m fine, really! [prises SPEV off him] Spem, I don’t believe it, you GOT the little bugger! Hooray!
SPEM: I saved the day! YAAAAAYYY!!! [sings] Like a puppet on a striiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnng…AAH!
RAY: Pete?
PETE: Yes?
RAY: Am I delectable enough to have a little kiss off you? [puckers up]
PETE: No. Sorry. But, er…
MICK: I’m on the rebound.
RAY: PERFECT! Such a beautiful neck…
[RAY and MICK sigh contentedly for a second]
MICK: Ray, leave go of my shoulder right now or else I swear to God, I’ll bloody kill you!
RAY: [removes hand from MICK’s shoulder] Sorry.
PETE: [sighs] Young love!
SPEV: Pete?
PETE: Yes?
SPEV: Am I delectable enough to have a little kiss off you? [puckers up]
PETE: Course you are! [snogs SPEV]
DAVE: Spem, quick, get those invisible scissors off Mick’s drum kit to sever these invisible chords which have attached me to the ceiling!
SPEM: Certainly! [cuts strings] Oh, DAVE!
DAVE: What?
SPEM: You’re not a [sings] puppet on a striiiiiiiiinnnnnng…AAH! [stops singing] anymore!
DAVE: Let’s celebrate!
[exeunt all to The Marquee, and then later on to The Flamingo, and then later on to the recording studio where Dave recorded a never-to-be-released version of Puppet on a String by Sandie Shaw.]
CAST:
IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
DAVE DAVIES - As himself
PETE QUAIFE - As himself
FLY - Fifi the Flea (okay, so it's a flea and a song by The Hollies, so sue me!)
RAY DAVIES - As himself
MICK AVORY - As himself
SPEV - As herself
SPEM - As herself