Dave's introduction:

But before I get into the questions, let me first preface this whole undertaking by confessing, that I'm not really sure where your country is on the map, being that I'm an American and really not interested in other cultures. Dan thinks Australia is in or around the Congo. But then, Dan is usually wrong about so many things it's not even funny. My guess would locate you somewhere south of Sudan. Frankly, the only things I know about Australia at all come from watching Paul Hogan movies, or listening to golf commentators drop trivial tidbits about it while describing the Great White Shark - Greg Norman - blowing yet another chance to win a major open. That said, let's begin, shall we ?

Being a reader of the astonishing and blindingly brilliant, and very hard to find, `Beautiful Stories For Ugly Children', is there a chance for one of those magnificent Dan Sweetman and Dave Louapre stories, just like the one's that used to be on the inside cover of the BSFUC ?

I don't understand this question at all. Are you asking if Dan and I are going to collaborate again, or if we're going to write more "bios", which by the way seemed to be more popular than the stories themselves. (?) I mean if there is no original story, there's no point in making up a "bio" tidbit, now , is there ? We've actually thought about publishing the bios, but have always nixed the idea as it seems incredibly vain and out of context. Hell, make up your own damn bios, I don't care ! Will this bio nightmare never end ? Will I ever do an interview where I'm not asked about the bios ? And will Dan-last seen unconscious in a ditch somewhere on the edge of town-ever stop humming the theme to "Fame" !?! Probably not. Next question.

Issue one of BSFUC, `Cotton Candy Autopsy" was used in the cover of Mr. Bungle, is there a story in this, are you listeners of Mr. Bungle ?

Sorry to disappoint, but there's no real interesting story behind the Mr. Bungle cover deal. I guess they just liked the book and wanted the artwork. It was strictly business. However, the person who pulled the whole deal together and made everything work is named Stacy Valis, and is the Director of Art Administration at Warner Records in Burbank. That name again, Stacy Valis. Because of her involvement, we've become good friends and I've gotten tons of free Indian food. I suggest your readers write to Stacy in Burbank, care of Warner Records. Stacy loves fan mail and will take you to lunch. I'm serious. Write her.

Dan, what were your first drawings as a kid, did you create any characters that latched themselves onto you and found themselves in the margins of school books and so forth ?

It should be noted here that Dan Sweetman is not able to participate in this letter as he is way too busy (yeah right!), and I'll be playing the part of Dan for the duration of this correspondence. As for Dan's first drawings, well, let me see. Mostly naked ladies. There was a guy in a bathrobe holding a cup of coffee too, if memory serves. And a skier, under which Dan inscribed the title, "Ski Bum." Other than that, Dan mostly drew naked ladies playing volleyball or sometimes billiards. That's pretty much it.

Dave, the fine line of suede plates, with matching fur utensils, a product I know the world needs, and that the cattle industry would certainly appreciate, are they working ?

Yes.

Dan a pet dingo, eh ?

Dan's pet dingo is still alive, but nobody likes it. Oh, people pretend to like it, but nobody does, really. What the hell is wrong with you Australians, anyway ? Why'd you have to go and invent the Dingo in the first place ? They steal babies, you know. Dan's constantly in trouble because of this. I told him when he first mentioned his interest Dingos, I said, " Hey Dan, this might just be something you see on TV, but don't Dingos steal babies ?" He laughed and laughed and laughed. Two weeks later he's being questioned by the police about how the neighbour's child ended up in the Sweetman rumpus room for three days. Dingo my ass. I can't even talk about it anymore. Let's move on to something else.

Dan, could you please, I'm pleading here, it's a disgraceful display of wanton shamelessness, for you to tell the story of the neurotic G.I. Joe, the pathological liar and Ken and Barbie ?

No.

What have you been passing your time with lately, what works have been churning out from your inspired minds ?

Dan has been doing story boards for major motion pictures (Braveheart, Jurassic Park, Contact), and raising a family. I've been writing for Vertigo Press and writing screenplays for several sleazy Hollywood companies. Beautiful stories - at the risk of jinxing the deal - is also currently being developed as a television series, though we'll believe it when we see it. Mel Gibson's company, Icon Productions, is handling the project. We get free coffee and everything.

What is the most favourite thing you ( a collective you ) have worked on ?

Our most favourite thing ? Probably a car bomb we designed to use in front of the Kremlin. But what happens ? The Cold War ends and Dan and me are screwed. If you're referring to our writing / illustration endeavours.....I'd have to say, "Happy Birthday to Hell" was pretty fun. So were the clown stories. "The Wasteland" was always a hoot to work on together. We did an early story called "The Snotty Little Puppy Nobody Loved" as well, and that was really fun, probably because its the first real tale we did together. It's not published and hopefully never will be. I guess the best thing we ever did together, though, was make Pina Coladas one hot summer day using real coconuts, and then drinking them in the coconut shells with fancy straws, pineapple slices and paper umbrellas. That's the best thing we ever collaborated on. Seriously.

Would either of you buy a eucalyptus bark flavoured icecream ? I've been thinking about it.

No. You need help. How did you ever get a job?

If there were to be a Louapre-Sweetman board game what would it be, what would it be based on, how would it work ?

Our board game would be so violent that no one would ever agree to produce it. It would most likely be based on the prurient interests of man's collective unconscious, and involve a great deal of suffering and good old fashioned perversion. Of course, it would have a spinner and be reasonably priced. Maybe even little Dan & Dave action figurines. I think "A Cotton Candy Autopsy" would definitely lend itself to the board game idea, but I'm a pretty lousy businessman, so somebody else would have to get the ball rolling. Maybe Paul Hogan. See what you can do to hook us up.

What are your favourite personal hygiene commodities?

Dave: Speed Stick, Zest, a horse who comes to me in dreams.
Dan: Secret, Dove, a horse who comes to him in dreams.

Do you have any rituals, morning rituals, creative block release actions etc ?

What is it with these personal questions !?! Do you actually wake up wondering what me and Dan are putting on our armpits, or in our mouths, or up our butts (that's Dan, not me) !?! Okay, okay.....When Dan's blocked, he usually sits in the middle of a crowded intersection and weeps until someone pretends to care. Me? When I can't write, I perimeter walk. That's putting a shoulder against the wall and circumnavigating the entire building, walking over furniture and whatever, just always sticking to the wall. Don't ask me why, but it helps.

A few words about any heroes.

Dan doesn't have any heroes, because he doesn't know what the word means. My heroes are Linda Barry, Edward Gorey, Charles Addams, and Bullshot Crummond. Actually, Dan likes Ralph Steadman, but only because he's a snappy dresser.

If you could put a picture of someone at the bottom of a coffee cup who would it be ?

Dave: Abraham Lincoln.
Dan: Alan Alda.

What do you feel have been the greatest moments in modern history ?

Dave: When the Green Bay Packers signed Reggie White; JOLT Cola; the Miracle Bra.
Dan: Aerosol cheese in a can.

Any details that you wish to add about any projects or future plans. Where for Dan and Dave want to be in the year 2000?

We want to be pretty much where we are right now, only to the left a bit. And with more comfortable chairs.