An Interview with Cloud Strife
Dean Ruther = DR
Cloud Strife = CS
DR: Welcome listeners to Dean Ruther’s Interviewing Segment. I’m Dean Ruther and I’m here with the star of Final Fantasy VII, Cloud Strife. Cloud, I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to conduct this interview with me.
CS: …uh? What?
DR: Our interview… remember?
CS: …oh, yeah, whatever. (sniff)
DR: When Sephiroth told you that you were a puppet, how did you feel at that instant?
CS: Uh… oh yeah, I felt like Pinnicho and I’m like, hey, there’s no strings on me, man!
DR: Interesting… so you did not believe him at first?
CS: Believe who?
DR: Um, Sephiroth.
CS: Ugh, that bastard killed Aeris!
DR: Please don’t use that word, Cloud.
CS: Aeris?
DR: The b-word.
CS: Oh, bastard.
DR: ... right. Getting back on track, Cloud, you said that you didn’t believe that you were a puppet. Am I correct?
CS: Yeah, I was like psh, I’m not a puppet but then he tricked me into thinking I was.
DR: How did he do that?
CS: Do what? (sniff)
DR: …uh, trick you into believing you were something you’re not.
(loud high-pitched noise)
CS: Aaah, my head… it’s starting again…
DR: Cloud, you’re-
CS: Aaagh… I’m not your puppet!
DR: Cloud, hold on, you-
CS: I’m not part of Jenova! Stop messing with my head!
DR: Cloud, you’re holding the microphone to close to the audio output!
CS: Huh? (pulls it away and the noise stopped) Whoa. (puts it back, noise returns, pulls it away, repeat)
DR: Cut it out!!
CS: Whatever.
DR: So getting back to the puppet topic-
CS: I’m not a puppet. (sniff)
DR: Okay, forget the puppet topic, we’ll try a new one. Now, I recall you went on a date with Barret…
CS: Uh, it was male bonding, not a date…
DR: Sure, Cloud, whatever you say. As I recall, you were also seen at a gay brothel. I don’t suppose that would be more male bonding, would it?
CS: …look, I needed a pair of women’s underwear.
DR: I am not liking the direction that this is taking.
CS: Lemme explain… I needed to dress as a woman so I could get chosen to sleep with Don Corneo.
DR: I sure hope for your sake that there’s more to this story.
CS: …there is.
DR: …well?
CS: …I forgot it. (sniff)
DR: (sigh) Alright, new question. How is it that you dress in women’s clothing, go to gay brothels and still manage to be the affection of the women?
CS: Women?
DR: Yes: Aeris, Yuffie, and Tifa have all shown feelings towards you.
CS: …whatever.
DR: You don’t care? I mean, if I’m not mistaken, you have had relations with Tifa.
CS: No I haven’t.
DR: Your comrades have said otherwise.
CS: What do you mean?
DR: They reportedly watched you… er, in the act with Tifa.
CS: …oh, that. I was helping her up. She fell backwards and the weight of her chest kept her down. There was a lot of struggling.
DR: …oh… kay… well, uh, alright then. That concludes this, um, enlightening interview. Thanks again for joining us, Cloud.
CS: Off course. (sniff)