I've been accused of being too “vague” in these journal entries. I don’t write in any great detail, but to my defence there hasn't been a lot of detail to write about lately. Instead I tend to write about how I feel about and react to things going on around me, because that seems more important to me than specifics.

I’ve always been such a strong, self-aware person but I am scared now because the future is so unknown. Spiritually and emotionally I feel as if I am walking many paths at once. And for now those paths are all parallel but I know that somewhere up ahead there is a crossroads and I will be forced to make a choice. When that happens, what will I do? Which do I choose – the road of uncertain outcomes and possible risks, or the level road of familiarity? I also have to keep in mind that the path of predictability isn’t always as predictable as it may first appear to be.

But I know I can’t stay where I am, because I will stagnate if I do. I remember hearing a saying a long time ago that puzzled me at the time and I still haven’t figured it out: “I change by not changing at all.” I guess what that means is that change is inevitable and unavoidable and even when we think we are resisting it, change is working its silent magick on us.

I guess that is vague again. Well if you want specifics I am happy to oblige.

Thursday night my young adults group held a coffee night at a local café that I had helped plan. I was mainly in charge of organizing the entertainment and the program for the evening, which I think I did quite well and am proud of myself. I felt we could have been better prepared and a bit more professional about certain things, which annoyed me because it reflected badly on me. But the whole night was a success in most ways.

Friday night I had a work drinks thing. I don’t know why I bother going to things like that; my old nature always creeps up on me when I do. I must have smoked half a pack of cigarettes that was on offer from someone I normally can’t stand but found myself flirting with (innocently of course) anyway. And the worst of it was I had fun.

Why is it that I don’t have “fun” doing "Christian" activities? I’m not saying I don’t enjoy them. I get a lot out of going to church and being part of religious or spiritual activities. But it’s kind of like eating a meal… I enjoy vegetables and get a lot of nutritional value from them but every now and then I feel like tucking into a huge, gigantic banana split.

And it worries me as a Christian who loves God desperately that I should feel that way. That sometimes I want to say “what the f@#!” and just pack it all in, do whatever I want and pray God will forgive me for it afterwards. Not that I have any doubts that He will, but that’s no way to live. A person with a divided heart, or conflicting priorities, will be unstable in every aspect of life until he or she finds - and maintains - a sense of integrity.

I want desperately to be a person of integrity, but most of the time I feel like a lost soul.

Anyway... I'm turning 25 in 4 days! yay for me :)

• Listening to: Office noises
• Feeling: Disconnected
• Eating/drinking: Hazelnut Snickers bar
• Wearing: pink striped shirt, black/brown trousers