Question - Is it wrong to want to be beautiful? I mean beautiful in a traditionally accepted way, not just a "who you are on the inside makes you beautiful" kind of way. Not beautiful in a way that grows on you, but a "smacks you in the face at first glance, takes your breath away" kind of beauty.

Is it wrong to want people to see me in that light? I wrote a blog a while back on another site about "The Princess Moment". This is the phenomenon that makes movie directors wet their pants, the stuff teen summer blockbusters are made of. You know the scenario. The "pretty ugly girl" finally gets to prove to everyone at the prom that she is really hot underneath that ponytail and those glasses. The scrawny geek through some weird twist of fate ends up making the final touchdown that wins the last game of the season against the previously undefeated champions. The dumb jock in the college fraternity has a sudden transformation and ends up getting into harvard law school just by cramming for a single semester (which in movie time is about 5 minutes).

Anyone who has ever felt even the slightest bit unworthy has this craving inside them to be the opposite of who they are, because they see themselves as having less to offer society than others and desperately want to achieve a higher social status than the one they currently hold. Fat people want to be thin, ugly girls want to be pretty, scrawny guys want a body builder's physique, cowards want to be brave, losers want sex appeal, poor people want to be rich... the list goes on. And for the lucky few there will come an instant in their lives where they have those desires fulfilled and they will finally be accepted into the upper echelons of society because they have finally proved to themselves and to the world that "they could do it" or that they had it in them the whole time to be this bright and shining thing of beauty and worth.

If that sounds sarcastic it's because I was rolling my eyes as I wrote it.

There is a grain of truth somewhere in that over-generalized statement. But the question remains - were those people ever really unworthy in the first place? The world we live in has strict definitions of what it means to be fat, short, ugly, scrawny, cowardly, or citizens of loserville. Society also dictates that these things are undesireable, therefore anyone who fits these descriptions are unworthy or somehow "less" than everyone who is beautiful, successful, and a "real go-getter".

But does that stuff really define our worth as people? Or is the value of human life more than the sum of our parts? Why do we have to allow society to define us? We ARE society, we are the individual components that make up our environment. We have the power to change the views of the world we live in but instead many of us choose to take the easy road and accept the preconceived mandates laid down by the mysterious and fictitious "powers that be" because we want the omelette but we don't want to break any eggs to get it.

And yet... I still dream of my Princess Moment, complete with swishy skirt and tiara.

• Listening to: A dog whining
• Feeling: Content but sleepy
• Eating/drinking: A mango popsicle
• Wearing: 3/4 cargo's, white singlet & white shirt, blue bandana

Thursday 11/12/03 8:32pm -

Okay, here is the long-awaited, long-winded journal entry covering the events of the past 7 days (well some of them anyway).

*sigh*

I miss Zathiel. Even though he was only here for five days, it was so great to have him around. I'm home now - I can't stay at the Brat Prince's house because it feels so empty without Zath there. We didn't get to do much while he was here, just hung out and stuff but he seemed to have a good time. We did get to go up to the city on Monday and then on Tuesday night we went to Soup Plus, a jazz club, for dinner.

We've known each other for over four years now, and during that time I've seen him through his angst and he's seen me through mine. We've wavered back and forth from being so totally connected that it was almost pyschic to being barely in contact, but all in all I would have to say that if there was ever anything in this life I could count on, it's the friendship that we share.

During that time though, through all the emails and chat sessions and the occasional phone call, we've never met face to face. So that's why his trip to Sydney was such a big deal. I won't even try to claim that he lived up to every one of my expectations, but in some cases the expectations were exceeded. I just hope I wasn't a disappointment to him.

My birthday was good, I had fewer people than I expected and made way too much food but then again I'd rather have too much than too little! We ended up singing karaoke all night because N brought his karaoke CD collection over and it was really fun. Everyone had a go at singing something, except for a few pikers we just couldn't convince. We even had a pinata but we didn't get around to breaking it so I will just have to save it for the upcoming church youth group christmas party.

I did get a bit upset over one thing that night. My sister had a bit to drink and decided that it would be really cool to flirt with Zath all night rather than hang out with me or even acknowledge that it was my birthday; she even forgot to give me the present she bought me, which is a little slack. It's understandable because he is definitely easy on the eyes, plus I think she was attracted to the fact that he is from NZ because she doesn't like living in OZ and has always wanted to go back to NZ. But we've always had a rivalry where friendships are concerned and I have lost a lot of friends to her so naturally I was on the defensive over her behaviour.

And a choice has been made. I just can't bring myself to commit another wrong in order to make a right; in this case the ends do not justify the means. Blind faith will have to do, I will just have to trust in The Divine and not take matters into my own hands.

• Listening to: "In the Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLachlan
• Feeling:Tired
• Eating/drinking: Coke - and some kind of chocolate that is crackling and popping in my mouth...?
• Wearing: Tracksuit pants, green "Kroger" top

Wednesday 10/12/03 8:32pm -

Questions to ponder... how far is God willing to intervene to save us from ourselves? And how much is He willing to allow us to reap in order to learn from our mistakes? And if we had a chance to take matters into our own hands, to "fix" the areas in our lives where we've gone wrong, rather than sit back and trust the Divine Plan to unfold in our lives... is that taking the initiative, or is it lack of Faith?

• Listening to: Silence
• Feeling: Melancholic
• Eating/drinking: Coke and Fried Rice (it's fly lice you plick!)
• Wearing: Green & blue stripey cat pyjamas

Wednesday 10/12/03 12:19pm -

Why do guys have to be such blockheads? Right about now I need life to slow down to a nice steady crawl. It seems just when I need some time think things through, I get bombarded by emotional missiles from all sides.

Heavy decisions require logical thinking, and right now I have quite a few of them to make. And the problem with choices is that usually when you make one, you automatically get more thrown at you. They multiply like rabbits. And even if you do find yourself faced with a simple choice that will not spawn more dilemmas like gremlins at the beach, more often than not it's the kind of decision that will affect others as well as yourself.

I guess it's lack of sleep, but right now I just feel like throwing myself down on the floor and screaming at the top of my voice. Maybe if I did that I would get to leave work early?

More about the weekend later.

• Listening to: The sounds of someone typing
• Feeling: Frustrated/Confused
• Eating/drinking: Coffee... getting leb food for lunch soonishly
• Wearing: pink striped shirt, black/brown trousers