I've had the Matchbox 20 CD blaring away on my computer for most of the day, they're very angsty but that suits me right now. I've been a bit down lately - sleeping a lot, snapping at people, being negative and down on myself and just generally feeling blah. I've had no motivation to do anything, although I did find time to make a start on my room today, which is something. At this rate I should have it tidied up in about a decade.

I have a lot of time on my hands now because on Friday I was informed by my boss that my services were no longer needed. I am kinda pissed off that they did this to me around Christmas time, right when i could have used another couple of paychecks. But I was half expecting it anyway. They lost the big contract so the whole department will get the axe in another couple of months, and I guess it's logical that the temp is first on the firing line.

Of course there's other stuff going on as well, and this time of year always depresses me for some reason. I don't know why but I think it has something to do with the fact that I get really manic over the carols and lights and holiday festiveness. I really love all that stuff and it makes me happy. Then I come home to a family that bickers and bitches at each other and we haven't even put our tree up and there's just no joy in our house at all. All the negativity in my house just really brings me down and I want to curl into a little ball and hibernate for the whole season.

I had a profound revelation today. I discovered that I am cursed with pragmatism. The only problem is I'm also cursed to be an incurable romantic. So essentially I am a person who believes that the power of love is strong enough to conquer all obstacles while at the same time realizing that it doesn't. Which is kind of sad because it means that no matter how desperately I want to believe in the fairy tale, there is a part of me that can't and won't buy it.

In many ways I am divided, pulled in different directions at once. Do i follow what my head is telling me, or do I follow my heart? And what if I can't figure out what my heart is telling me - do i go with my head by default? I'm not in touch with my emotions, half the time I don't know what I'm feeling or how to define it if I do.

Bah... this will blow over. It always does. And then I will be happy again. But at the risk of sounding like a lost little girl, for now I just need some down-time, and someone to rub my tummy.

• Listening to: "Unwell" - Matchbox 20
• Feeling: Melancholic
• Eating/drinking: Nothing
• Wearing: Blue and white striped pj top with purple pj pants (yay mix & match)