Why do love and romance have to be so confusing? In a perfect world there'd be just one man destined for every woman, and these two would find each other without too much hassle and would instantly "know" they'd found their life partner. But instead we "try on" different partners like a new suit, decide which is the best fit, and whether or not alterations will need to be made. In the end sometimes we're still not sure whether it's the right size or colour, so we end up taking it back to the retail outlet for a refund or exchange.

How am I supposed to recognize true love if I've already been in love several times and each time it has seemed true? Yet logic states that the fact it has ended is proof that it was not true love. And how do you know when love has truly ended, when it is possible to carry vestiges of emotion for years after the actual relationship has ended? It's the surety of not knowing that has prompted my cynicism, the surety that no matter how hard one tries to understand love, the answer will alway dance elusively on the edges of reason.

I've been thinking a lot about past relationships lately, trying to analyze where I - or "it" - went wrong. It seems like I've been single for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever fall in love again. I'm doubting myself, wondering if I really have what it takes to get involved in another relationship, if something (or someone) special does come my way. I've recently met guys who've indicated they'd be more than happy to date me, but it's been on such a shallow and superficial level - nobody's really touched my mind or soul in a long time. I'm trying to gently and tactfully extricate myself from these situations, because these are nice guys but they're not what I'm looking for. I'd rather wait until I find someone that is "right" for me, someone not just physically or chemically attractive but someone I can share a friendship with as well, a kindred spirit (or close to it, seeing as how I am so different from everyone else I know), and I know someone like that is waiting for me just around the corner.

I am more cautious now than I ever have been. In the past, I'd follow my heart and leap into a relationship, never considering the consequences until they were upon me. But now I keep myself closed off, constructing defenses against the opposite sex. I've been hurt so many times in the past, and my list of demands and criteria seems to grow with each failed relationship. I feel bad for rejecting someone because they're not what I'm looking for, I feel shallow and materialistic. But in the end it wouldn't be doing either of us any favours to enter into a relationship with someone I wasn't 100% "into", and I have to keep in mind that I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness in love by making the right decisions, decisions that are best for me. I just wish I could be certain the guys would see it that way as well.

Friendships also seem so transient these days. I've made a lot of new friendships, seemingly overnight, in the last couple of months that vanish just as quickly. Most of these friendships have been formed via the internet, and I wonder if that's the problem. Do they not see me as being a real person? One in particular I had hoped would be a good friend, but now he seems to have drifted off into the void. I do my best to respond to emails, offer to chat on the phone, and would chat online if I had the facilities, but I am financially unable to see these people as often as I'd like at the moment, and that's not my fault. I am hoping that when the income from my job commences, in a few weeks' time, I will be able to rectify that situation to a degree. In the meantime I will have to hope that some friends that will go through the refining process and come out all the more stronger on the other side.

Monday 02/02/04 4.29pm

Daniel called me at 6am Saturday morning. Frankly I was annoyed at the early hour, but it was good to hear from him. I wanted to scream in frustration though when he talked about coming to Australia. How many times have I heard those pipe dreams come out of his mouth? I can't live my life based on the premise that I'll ever see him again, even if I wanted to. I know it wouldn't be true, and it doesn't do him any good to entertain that notion; he's only making things hard on himself, dwelling on past "if only's". In a way I wish I could ask him not to call me anymore, because for whatever reasons I thought best I've moved on. I still cherish his friendship but I don't know what he wants from me or what he hopes to gain from all of this.

Saturday night we went to a goth event in the city, a sort of preview for a club that's going to open up in May. It was a good night out and the atmosphere was relaxed and friendly, but apart from the friends I was with there wasn't anyone I really recognized from my brief forays into Sydney's goth scene. The music could have been better, but it was danceable.

I went to church last night. I've slipped a bit from where I used to be. My faith is still as important to me as ever, and I've always placed a lot of emphasis on the spiritual aspect of my being, but lately I feel like I've been focussing too much on materialism. The social occasions I've been wrapped up are a contributing factor, and the financial strain I'm going through definitely hasn't helped my focus any. I need to find a way to get connected to the Source again, to regain some of the joy that I've lost.

I'm concerned about a friend of mine, even though it's none of my business. He and I were in an unhealthy situation that I managed to get out of, but he hasn't and that makes me feel bad for him. I also feel angry, hurt, disappointed, and let down. He knows he needs to make a decision but he's dragging his heels, and the longer he puts it off the more potential there will be for emotional disaster. So much is going to waste because the situation is really stunting his growth. I hate to see him go through this, and I know he has the strength and courage within him to do what needs to be done, or at least to take the necessary steps to start a chain reaction. It's so frustrating that for all the advice I can give, none of it seems to have any impact. But in the end it's his decision and I don't know why I let it upset me.

N. has decided not to continue our friendship anymore. I can't say I'm happy about that decision, it's always upsetting to lose a friend, but I'm not exactly devestated about it either, since we really didn't know each other all that well and have had a few misunderstandings and problems in the last month or so. We had two very different ideas of where the friendship was headed, and I thought in the beginning that we might could become more than friends, but I eventually concluded that I didn't feel that way about him. He wasn't happy about that, and felt that I was playing games with him, but the reality is that we didn't have that much in common. He's entitled to his opinions, but the thing I hate is the whining. He makes it out to be my fault, like I didn't put enough effort in or something. Like he thinks I 'owe' him any explanations.

Maybe I don't put enough effort into a lot of my friendships according to some people's standards, but I do what I can and if the friendships are strong enough they'll survive. I've got friends that I haven't called or seen for weeks or months, but I'd still call them friends. And it might sound callous but I'm jealous with my time. I decide how I spend it and who I spend it with, and no amount of guilting is going to make me spend time with someone if I don't feel like it. I hate it when people think they have the right to monopolize my time or make me feel guilty if I go out with someone else or don't invite them along to a particular party or whatever.

It's funny, for the amount of manipulation I supposedly do, and the lengths I'll go to get my own way, I absolutely hate to be manipulated and I don't give in easily to the wants and desires of others. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone else, or that I have the right to meddle in their affairs, it's just that I see life as a game, and not a very nice one at that. The only way I can think of to stay on top of the game is to make sure that the people in it are dancing on my strings, and not the other way around. It would take a lot of trust in someone for me to turn around and be totally altruistic towards them, and trust is something I'm in short supply of these days. I don't want to be tied down, I don't want to be forced into any corners, I don't want to be obligated to anyone or responsible for anyone. I don't want to have to make excuses for my behaviour, explain myself to anyone, or make amends for trivialities. I just want to be free, to be myself, and to live life the way I want. Is that so much to ask? And if that's a lonely existence then so be it. I'm no stranger to loneliness, and I would rather not trade my freedom for its cure.

• Wearing: Trackpants, red "satisfaction guaranteed" t-shirt
• Eating/Drinking: Water, bbq chicken
• Listening To: The "You Are My World" Hillsong album
• Feeling: Frustrated