Sometimes I get really cranky at being single. I know it's unfair because there are lots of people who've been single for years or even their whole lives, and I'm moaning because I haven't had a boyfriend for just over 12 months, and the majority of those months were spent being fucked up over the broken relationship anyway. But it is hard for me. Last night I was with a group of twelve other people, which included 5 married/dating couples, and I had fun but it made me feel like an outsider too, not having that special someone in my life. And then in the city today I saw this couple walking down the street dressed nice, looking happy, holding hands, totally in love and I just felt like punching something.

I don't want to sound totally co-dependent but things can get a bit lonely for me if I don't have a boyfriend/significant other; that might be completely messed up but that's just me. It's not like I'm an overly needy or clingy person either, it's just that I can't (or maybe won't, I haven't figured that one out yet) open up or let people get close to the "real me" unless there's an emotional investment involved. I'm friendly to people, and I have friends, but I hold myself back until I find someone with whom I can really trust so I can stop trying to be so in control all the time and really let down my guard and make an idiot of myself in front of them if I want to, and know that it doesn't matter because this person is madly in love with me and doesn't care that I'm being a total moron. Well... It's a nice theory, anyway! Hehe :P

But I've been around the merry-go-round enough times to realize that my current "love-crazed" mentality will pass and I can stop obsessing over guys who don't call and guys who stand me up and so forth, and start obsessing over something worthwhile instead, like the new season of Angel or starburst squirts. You'll just have to excuse any posts about the opposite sex that make me sound like a hormonal teenage girl. I'll return you shortly to your regularly scheduled program. (Or should that be "programme"? I'm never too sure with the English/American spelling difference).

Work is okay. The training is nearly finished and we've had some laughs and some tears and some angry words and some bitching but I think we're all going to pull through... well at least most of my group of twelve will, there's a few people I have my doubts about. And I've even taken a few calls from customers so despite being nervous I think my reception experience is going to go a long way in this job. I've met some other cool people who work there too so it's all good.

Question: if someone blogs about you, and it puts you in a negative light, and people who also know you might be reading the blog, do you have the right to complain? I'm having issues with my ex... aka bignoiz... aka Nigel. He's really warmed to the idea of blogging since starting up a Live Journal blog but he has yet to learn the value of being discreet. He's already offended me a few times - first by gushing inappropriately about me and my virtues and totally embarassing me, to this latest post which really makes me sound like a lascivious (go look it up) manipulator.

To be fair, he mentioned he might blog about me in a less than favourable light, and told me he would edit it, and I told him I would be upset if he censored himself because blogging is about being truthful with how you feel and what you think. If he'd just been content to say I was a manipulating witch I'd have been fine. But there is a line and he crossed it by giving an unnecessarily extreme example that paints me in a bad light. I think it's unfair for him to do this when my relationship with the mutual friends that read his blog is tenuous at best (since they are all his friends anyway). I talked to him the first time about appropriateness and discretion, but if he hasn't learned his lesson by now my complaining (even if I had the right to complain) probably won't do any good.

Anyway... blah. Random stuff: Nate, this guy whose blog I have been reading for several years, has promised to come drink with me on his way through Sydney en route to Melbourne, so it's all good... I watched Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie in "The Simple Life" tonight, and that was pretty funny, they're such spoilt rich brats but Nicole seems nicer at least.... watched Average Joe and it was sad to see Dennis go because yes he's a geek but he'd be a great catch, starting to think the Bachelorette might be shallow after all.... um, what else? We get beer at work tomorrow, w00t!

• Wearing: cargos, white top with orange and red flowers
• Eating/Drinking: last ate a sushi roll... hehe
• Feeling: ineffectual

I shouldn't even be blogging in this state. I'm totally sleep-deprived because I couldn't get to sleep last night at all, finally fell asleep about 3.30am this morning, my alarm was set for 5.30, you do the math. The events of the day have worn me out, I'm depressed and stressed out and ready to curl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep. I am such an emotional wreck right now.

It was my first day at my new job, although since I am only in training this week, I don't technically start until next Monday. This is like nothing I've ever done before. The training course is actually like a course, with a lecturer and a freakin' MANUAL that we have to study and an exam at the end of the week, which we have to get 80% or more to pass, which I am kind of worried about although it was said that those who don't pass will not get fired, they'll just get extra training in the areas they failed.

The scary part is that it is a totally new industry for me, so I am learning a completely new skills set, this job is really a leap of faith for me. But the cool part is that the company seems dedicated to its employees as well as its clients, we get to wear whatever we want as long as it falls into the category of "smart casual" or isn't too ratty or unprofessional looking. And at the end of the day, when you leave the office you also leave your work behind. I'm getting more and more excited about getting stuck into it as we go along. It seems to be a fun, social atmosphere that even I might enjoy working in.

I've made an effort today to interact with the other people I'll be working with, trying to get into the "team spirit" (oh god save me), and they're not that bad. I tried to make friends with the other girls, because as certain people keep pointing out it's not really normal for me not to have girlfriends, and I need to fix that I guess. I admit that it would be nice to have the gal-pals that other girls seem to have, friends I can gossip about boys with and go shoe shopping with and swap recipes with, and all those stereotypical things that girls do with each other.

I just don't know how to relate to them; which sounds weird, not being able to relate to members of the same sex, but I just don't know how to talk to other girls. It's not that I'm not feminine. I am, but I just don't know what to talk about or how to act and most of the time I'm afraid they're going to think I'm a freak or that they'll notice that I'm "different" and then I'll lose my gold key to the washroom, so to speak. Oh well.

A couple of posts back I wrote that I was meeting up with a friend to go to a free screening of "Finding Nemo". Well, I didn't end up going because the guy never called me to make plans until it was too late, which is basically kind of like standing me up. The reason this is relevant is because he did it again tonight. We were supposed to meet after work for drinks since he is now working in the city as well, but when he found out I was finishing at 5.30 instead of 5pm he decided not to bother waiting around and claimed a rain check. I've only just met this guy, and to be honest I'm not sure I can be bothered with him anymore. It just upset me because even though I am tired it would have been nice to chill out with a friend on my first day.

Still, seems to be the weekend for it. I was supposed to finally meet Guppy on Sunday but he wasn't feeling up to it so that got cancelled as well. This in addition to the Saturday guy (who clearly isn't going to call) means I'm becoming well and truly frustrated with the whole dating scene. I thought the "collect and select" approach (blame bignoiz for the name) would guarantee me I'd find at least one prospective boyf but they seem to either a) be totally uninterested, b) be interested but can't be bothered making an effort, or c) live too far away for me to even consider the logistics of trying to have a close relationship with them. I tell you what, the way my luck is going with men these days, I wish I were catholic so I could become a nun.

Alright, who cares, not me, I don't care about anything right now. I'm going to go lay down and take a nap for a few hours, possibly even sleep through the night although I have HOMEWORK (!!) to do and I should really make my lunch and lay out my work clothes for tomorrow - I hate early mornings and try to prepare as much as possible the night before.

• Wearing: orange tank top, pink striped pj bottoms
• Eating/Drinking: last ate a sushi roll
• Feeling: like I want to cry

Okay, I am totally stressing today, for no reason at all other than the fact that I had a date yesterday with a guy that I quite liked just on an initial basis, and I don't think he's going to call me back. Which is stupid, you'd think I'd be stressing about the new job I start tomorrow. But no, like a boi-crazy idiot, I'm stressing over whether some guy is going to call. (Hmmm, diversionary tactic maybe?)

I've never had much luck with the dating game, and nearly all the "successful" relationships I've had have been with guys who were friends first. The weird thing I've noticed is that if I ever get a date with a guy who is normal and well-adjusted, they never seem interested in taking it further. We go out, have a nice time, and then I never hear from them again. I don't mean to be slack to the guys I've dated, but it seems that in general the guys I attract are a strange bunch, sort of the "geeks and freaks" genre really. I include myself in that category, so what does that say about me?

I don't know if it's a personality thing - maybe i'm too quirky for the "straight" guys - or if it's a weight issue. Most guys will spout the old line, "Looks don't matter to me" - but it's like, yeah right... looks are important no matter what anyone says and personally, I'd be offended if my looks didn't matter to a guy, I want someone who's going to appreciate how I look, not overlook it. I may be bigger than the average girl, but I've had guys tell me (or show me, hehe) in no uncertain terms that they find me damn sexy. I think I have the confidence and ability to put together a really nice "package" despite size.

This guy I met yesterday seemed fairly "vanilla" so I dunno... We went out to a cafe, had a drink, and then to a pub for a few beers. I did my best to flirt and play the game but I don't think he'll be interested in seeing me again. I sent him an SMS once I'd gotten home saying thanks again but he didn't respond, not even a "yeah I had fun too" so I guess I'll wait and see. I hate being such a girl over stuff like this.

There's no point in me trying to analyse it, there's a million things that could have gone wrong - he didn't like the way I looked, didn't like the way I talked, the american thing put him off, I came across as a bit dumb or maybe a bit too religious - who knows? To be honest I wasn't really confident with the way I looked yesterday, I didn't feel like I put forward my best image. But I tried to let my personality shine through and that's what I really want to be judged on in the end anyway, and if he was judging based on something else then it's probably no big loss anyway.

Stuff it... I know it sounds like a big deal but this journal entry is really nothing more than me venting my stress and hurt pride... it's not like he's "the one"... far from it... and there's plenty more fish in the sea :)

• Wearing: Green and blue striped cat pj's
• Eating/Drinking: Lowfat Pretzels/ High Calorie Coke
• Feeling: Miffed