I messed up again on Saturday night - made a bad judgement call, and ended up pissing N. off again. Basically what happened was I drank too much at the party, and was having too much fun to go home, so I stayed at Mark's place. The problem was I didn't let N. know and he rocked up to my place in the morning to pick me up for church, a rather pointless gesture considering I wasn't there! And I didn't have my phone, so he couldn't contact me. It was stupid, thoughtless and irresponsible of me but I guess I've been on a roll this past week in that regard.

But I realized two important things Sunday morning as I was lying in bed trying to motivate myself to move and failing miserably. One - that since Wednesday night (NYE) I have been in either one of two states: drunk, or hungover; I'm only just today (Monday) drying out from the copious amounts of alcohol I drank on Saturday night. Two - that I've done a lot of really cool stuff in my life, and that I've been blessed with lots of really far-out experiences, but sadly most of them have occurred while I was too drunk to really enjoy them.

I know I can make excuses for myself, and say what the hell, it's the new year, and say that I only get like this a couple of times a year so it's not that big a deal. And that's probably the truth. But the second fact is a sobering thought in itself, enough to make me vow that I will never let my drinking get out of hand again to the point where all the really cool stuff - all the stuff that makes up the "living" part of life - slides by in an alcoholic daze. This is a wake-up call and I'm not about to hit the 'snooze' alarm on this one.

But all in all, the pool party was great, and as I said to another friend in an email, I had a lot of fun watching a bunch of goths do something as mundane and typically "aussie" as a pool party slash bbq. I think i was one of the few people there wearing pastels who didn't have my nails painted black, hehe... but I did meet some interesting people that I hope I will get to see again, and was able to catch up with someone I haven't seen in a while and we had a good chat. And some of us got a bit naughty after dark and went skinny dipping, oooer!

The other thing on my mind at the moment is that I'm back on my meds again, which is probably for the best. I stopped taking them right after Zathiel left, and there isn't any real reason for me not to have started back on them, i was procrastinating. I could really tell the difference though. Without them, I felt really highly strung and jumpy, my thoughts were scattered, and I found it hard to focus and remember things like what was said to me or what I'd done. Which to be honest, makes me a little sad because I realize now that any sense of "being normal" that I feel while on the medication is just an illusion and that the real me, the un-medicated me, is still just as f***ed up as ever.

I remember once watching Vanilla Sky with a friend (** this is a SPOILER if you haven't seen the film **) and we argued at length over Tom Cruise's character's decision at the end of the film. If you've seen the film, you'll remember that he had basically just discovered that his existence as he knew it was a lie, and he had the choice to go back to it and be blissfully ignorant and happy, or he could take the plunge into reality and embark on a new and totally unpredictable adventure. My friend said that given the choice, he would have chosen to go back to the fantasy, because at least it was safe and happy. But I said I would never knowingly choose to live in an illusion because it wasn't real, and no matter what trials and tribulations awaited me in the real world, I'd chance it because at least I'd be living real.

But I guess in the end it comes down to how you feel. For instance, Tom Cruise's character was happy living in the dream, and for him it was real and the happiness he felt was real even if the life itself was not. So i guess if I can find some piece of happiness and stability in my life, why question it? So what if it's not real...? Does that really matter? Maybe I can convince myself that it doesn't, if I try hard enough.

• Wearing: green satin nighty
• Listening to: -
• Eating/Drinking: Green cordial
• Feeling: Buzzy

Saturday 03/01/04 4.02am

I slept in late today, and wasn't feeling the best, but tonight was a good night. Nigel called at the last minute and I was in the mood to go out so we went to dinner and then to a bbq at his friend's house.

It was really nice. We didn't fight or argue or "debate" or disagree on anything, not even once. It's been so long since we've been able to hang out without any stress or any bad feelings or negativity getting in the way, I'd almost forgotten how good that could feel.

Tomorrow Mark (the Brat Prince) is having a pool party, I am actually looking forward to that. Sounds like there will be a group of people going that I have never met before, so this will give me the chance to branch out and meet some new people.

I hope for Mark's sake that the party is a success. I think he has been feeling a bit lonely and neglected lately. It's always hard to go through the breakdown of your "social circle", and when it looks like you're losing friends or loved ones it can end up making a person feel a bit betrayed.

I haven't really been there for Mark in the last month or so and I feel bad about that. I won't deny that some of the stuff he does rubs me the wrong way sometimes, and I'm sure it's vice versa. But he's a good bloke underneath and you don't have to dig too deep to find that out.

I was happy that Kurt Nilsen won the World Idol, but I wasn't happy that I had to wake up at 6.30am to that find out! I'm tossing up whether to audition for Australian Idol 2. I think if it was based on voice talent alone I could probably make it through the first audition at least. But I'm not stupid enough to believe that looks wouldn't play a major part. Also I can't dance, and come to think of it I don't really like pop music all that much - at least not well enough to want to do that for a career.

So who knows. Maybe I'll give it a go for the fun of it, and then again maybe I'll just sit on my butt and watch the show on tv and think about how that could have been me up there on the stage.

• Wearing: monkey pyjama pants, pink t-shirt
• Listening to: Too late to be listening to anything
• Eating/Drinking: Coke
• Feeling: Thoughtful

Stuff to Ponder #1:

I don't really want to think about how much I don't know. Because if I start to think about how much I DON'T know then I'll realize how little I actually DO know and I will also realize that the probability of me closing the gap between the two to any great significance is so small it is practically non-existant. And that will probably drive me crazy!

I want to know everything there is to know, ever. I want to speak all the languages and read all the books and watch all the movies and have a thousand big houses full of things collected from different times and different places and be able to name them all. And the fact that I will never have a complete grasp on my own societal structure or the environment I personally live in, let alone society on a gobal level, has the potential to send me into a major depression if I think about it too much.

Hehe but I guess I did end up thinking about it after all... d'oh.

Stuff to Ponder #2:

I think a lot of us have been conditioned with regards to what we "absorb" in life. Think about it, there's lots of stuff that happens in life today that we don't even blink an eye at. For instance, nature has very specific and purposeful complex patterns; there are miracles that happen every day that we might even be aware of but never think about because it's knowledge that we have absorbed into our subconscious - photosynthesis, for example. Plants make oxygen for us to breathe, yet how many of us bother to stop and make the connection?

There's a lot about the workings of society that we absorb as well, and as long as things are happening "the way they're supposed to" then we don't really take note of it. But when something happens outside the norm - an earthquake occurs, somebody dyes their hair purple, a world idol gets crowned (yay kurt!) - we "reflect" or push that away from us because we've not been programmed to automatically assimilate that. Therefore we notice it; it stands out because it's different.

Even some level of crime can be and is absorbed; we assume or have been conditioned to believe that used car salesmen will cheat and lawyers will lie and so these things are not even a blip on the radar, so to speak. But let some gunman open fire in a public place or some terrorist plant a bomb and we react - because these are acts we reflect away from us, criminal acts which we have been taught to reject and revile.

The question really is, I guess, how many things do we miss simply because we've absorbed it mindlessly into our subconscious? What or who has programmed us regarding what is acceptable and what is not, and what is the basis for this distinction? Is it possible to stop absorbing and start appreciating even the smallest cog in the system that is life and humanity? Or is our programming too thorough for that? And do you think there are some people out there who have managed to escape any sort of programming at all?

Thursday 01/01/04 11.45am

Forget hangover - I'm still drunk from the night before! But at least I'm up and dressed and am drinking a litre of water so I should be sober enough in no time.

I feel bad because I'd made some conflicting commitments to ring in the new year last night and I know I ended up disappointing someone in particular who expected me to honour my word and see the new year in with him. I don't have any excuses other than to say that I can be a selfish bitch sometimes.

But the beach party I eventually settled on was fun and I had a really good time. Ate some dodgy food, consumed way too much alcohol, talked to a few strangers (and got a hug off some old dude I didn't even know) and then let off some fireworks. Oh, and running through the sprinklers they turned on to discourage people from letting off fireworks was fun... at least you can't say I'm not in touch with my inner child!

Hopefully if we can all get our shit together, I will be on my way to the beach within the hour... this time to swim and do normal beachy type stuff. It all depends on how many people are in recovery mode and how many people haven't yet begun to recover, hehe.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Well, at least New Years is one of the few days of the year that drunken debauchery (okay, that last part is optional, hehe) is permitted, even encouraged. I mean let's face it, any other time of the year we see a staggering, wasted asshole waving a beer can at us and yelling out happily at the top of his lungs, we'd shake our heads in disgust and turn away. What do we do on New Years? We raise our glasses in return and loudly wish him well.

Also, I went to download my isp mail today for the first time in a while and I have 56 messages - w00t! Somebody out there in cyberland loves me. But wait, it's all (or nearly all) junk mail. *sigh*

• Wearing: 3/4 cargo's and pink & brown t-shirt, swimsuit
• Listening to: Are you kidding? And can you keep the noise down, please?
• Eating/Drinking: Water, and lots of it
• Feeling: decidely seedy