Right now I am in shock. I went to an interview in the city today for a company where a friend of mine works, and as of Feb 9th I will be working as a customer service rep - yay for me! However, that has nothing to do with my current state of emotional turmoil.

After I got back, mum picked me up and we ran a few errands. On the way home (after being in her presence for quite some time) she casually mentions that my old boyfriend from the States rang me this morning while I was up in the city. It was like jumping straight into a cold shower in mid-winter. I totally freaked out because that was the last thing I expected to hear. I didn't think I would ever hear from him again, to be honest. I'd lost contact with him 2 years ago because he moved states after the deaths of his parents (who were like my second family while I was in the states) and I didn't know where he had gone. Last year I tried to contact with him through one of his relatives, but even though I left my name and number with his aunt I never heard from him until today.

He said that he mailed me a letter and I'm dying to see what he wrote. I probably won't be allowed to call him back as I ran up a huge phone bill last month and the parental units are keeping an eagle eye on the phone. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. We were very close, and leaving him hurt me more than anything. I cared about him a lot and for a long time he was the standard to which i held other guys. I've always wondered what would have happened if I'd stayed; there was a lot going on in my life at the time and he was a big part of getting me away from it all. He'll always be a friend, but I moved on with my life, and I'm more than content to let him stay "the one that got away". In some ways losing contact was a blessing, but when I do hear from him, usually out of the blue like this, it opens up old wounds, because we left things so unfinished.

I often leave things open-ended. I have trouble "sticking it out", when a relationship starts to have problems, I am often tempted to give up and back off without attaining any real closure. But when I am guilty of doing that I always find that later the emotions I thought were gone, but were really just buried, re-surface and I have to deal with a bunch of obsolete feelings over someone who's well and truly moved on by that stage. It's the same with some friendships too; I back off when things get too complicated, and when I realize I miss that person's company it's too late because they don't want to know me. This is something I desperately want to change, and I feel that I have been successful over the last two years at being more dedicated and committed to relationships and projects.

Dr. Phil said once that a couple should not consider splitting up just because they're angry or there's problems, that the only time there should be a break-up or a divorce is when they've exhausted all options and they have no more anger for each other (anger means there is at least some emotion there, albeit misdirected). He said that when a couple truly has no feelings at all other than wishing each other well but realizing that their paths don't lead to the same place, then they know they're ready to move on from each other. Makes sense I guess.

Okay, I'm off to ponder. And decide whether to call Daniel, parents be damned... hehe :)

• Wearing: brown skirt, pink and brown striped shirt
• Eating/Drinking: Coke (special label)
• Feeling: Weirded out - (is that even grammatically correct?)

Monday 26/01/04 8am

It's 8am in the morning and I just got home. No, I did not go to an all-night rave! I went to a movie marathon to see all three "Lord of the Rings" movies back-to-back which started at 9pm last night and finished at 6.30am this morning.

Afterwards I walked home, mainly because I couldn't be bothered catching the train but also because I wanted to walk off some of the junk I ate during the marathon. I've been dieting and so far I've lost almost a kilo. Anyway the walk I thought would take an hour and a half only took an hour; the first thing I did when I got home was jump in the shower, the second was to pour myself a big glass of water, and the third was to sit down and start writing this.

It was great seeing the trilogy in its entirety, it gave me perspective on the bigger picture. I won't spoil it for those of you who haven't seen ROTK yet but needless to say I was both pleased and not pleased by the ending. Several people I thought would die ended up living, and I thought it kinda sucked and made it all "happily ever after" which we all know is a crock. But all in all it was a good film and the battle scenes are excellent.

I can sympathize with Frodo and the other Hobbits. They lived an idyllic life, then along comes fate and sweeps them up into something they never asked for. Sure Frodo was a curious Hobbit but he never expected the dangers that would beset him, and all Sam ever wanted to do was keep his promise to Gandalf, but he never expected it to take him into the fires of Mount Doom. Pippin and Merry were happy to play the larrikins while they were in the Shire, but they were not really prepared for the grand adventure they ended up with.

But the Hobbits did their duty and fought the Shadow bravely, each in his own way, and what did they get for it in the end? They got to go back to Hobbiton, so all's well that ends well, right? Wrong! When they got back, they didn't "fit" anymore. They weren't the same people they once had been. Oh sure they probably got back into the swing of things after a time, but it would have taken quite a while for them to settle back into a life of farming, having a few pints down the pub, and smoking some Halfling leaf (what the hell was that stuff they were smokin' anyway?).

My life is a bit like Frodo's. I was always curious about living life on the edge, and when I finally got the chance to "walk on the wild side" it was great at first, but once I began to see the bigger picture I realized it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. There were dangers that I didn't even see, and I didn't have the benefit of having a friend like Gandalf come and rescue me every time I got in over my head.

I tried to go back to "the Shire", I really did. But I've seen things and experienced things that have made me a different person now. And Frodo was right when he said "some hurts are just too deep". And now I'm trying to find a place where I fit in, but I'm not sure where that is. I think I will always be destined to live my life in a vacuum, not fitting in anywhere, always on the edges, always on the outside looking in.

The other thing I was thinking this morning as I was walking home was that I want there to be true magic in this world. Not in a pagan, "magic happens" bumper sticker kinda way, and not in a fanatical Christian "miracles" way either. I mean in a fireballs shooting out from wizards' fingertips, say a few strange words and something appears out of the sky way. Something like that would be really cool, like if the earth got totally levelled and there was no technology anymore and then people "discovered" this ancient power in them and the "Age of Magic" was born. Anyway... just day dreams from a fantasy fanatic, hehe.

I've been a bit worried about myself lately. I've been sleeping too much, we're talking like 12 hours a night. Not only is that affecting me physically, making me tired (funnily enough) and cranky, it's also affecting me mentally by sending me into this strange twilight zone. My dreams, which have always been vivid, seem even more so in comparison to the dull daily routine, and I actually find myself looking forward to sleep in order to experience this alternate-reality. It seems the more addicted to this "dream-life" I get, the less "real" reality seems to be.

Oh well, I'll get it sorted out eventually. I'm going to see my psych soon and he'll probably tell me to get regular sleep and the problem will sort itself out. Speaking of which, I really need to catch some Z's if I am going to go out tonight. There's a free showing of Finding Nemo at Olympic Park and if it's not raining I'm going to meet a friend there to watch it. G'night and Happy Australia Day!

• Wearing: Green satin nighty
• Eating/Drinking: Lots of water
• Feeling: exhausted, in a good way