I am hungover. I feel like crap. I went out on the piss (don't you just love Aussie slang) last night with bignoiz and his krew. Noiz had the acuity to stay sober while the rest of us got nicely toasted (and a few of us continued beyond toasted - *blush*).

It's funny, while Noiz and I were together I would avoid social interaction with his friends, not because I hated them or felt uncomfortable around them but because my life and Noiz's intersected so much I felt he needed a space that was uniquely his domain. But since we broke up I've seen quite a lot of them, even spent New Year's with them. I really like Paul, Matt, Nate and Lau and Sue. I'd like to be able to call them my friends too, but I don't know if that will ever happen, they are such a tight-knit group already and I think I'll always be an outsider to them.

The other thing is that when I get drunk, I am so not myself... or maybe I just repress my true nature when I'm sober? Hmmm, question for another day... Anyway I end up doing things, saying things, making an idiot of myself and embarrassing myself and whoever I'm with. I often wake up the morning after hungover (or still drunk depending on what my alcohol intake had been) and freak out, going "Crap, what did I do?? Oh God, did I really say that??" and generally having to make apologies for my behaviour to the people I pissed off/ embarrassed/ made a pass at, haha.

But last night was cool, and I have no regrets. I think I probably had a couple of drinks too many, and I did end up chatting up a married guy (who fair enough was wearing no ring and didn't tell me he was married until we'd been talking for quite a while) and getting the phone number of some guy who worked for - was it BP? Shell? - I dunno, some petrol station where we stopped for the obligatory "I'm drunk so I really want a kebab right now" ritual. And I have the vague suspicion that I made a few derogatory comments about someone so if I did I hope the person I was speaking to doesn't remember and/or blab. But I think it was exactly what I needed, just to let off some steam. I definitely should do it more often.

I think I'm going to work on the music for my easter cantata this afternoon, maybe do some writing, work on my book or one of the scripts I have plans for, and just chill. Amandah's going out with Aphex tonight so I'll have the house to myself. I'll probably indulge in the hair of the dog and annoy the neighbours by singing at the top of my lungs practicing for my Australian Idol audish. Yes, I've decided to go for it, who knows? And if I don't get through - which I don't think I will - I'll still ask the judges for their advice so it will be worth it I think, just as long as Dicko doesn't do a Simon Cowell impersonation on me.

• Listening: The voices in my head
• Eating/Drinking: Cherry coke and Kettle Sensations chips - Lime and Roasted Chili
• Wearing: Black singlet top, tan pants (haha I am still in the clothes I was wearing yesterday, sans overshirt)
• Feeling: motivated

Friday 02/03/04 3.26am

The chances of making my 9:40am dr's appointment are slim, considering the time, and to be honest, I don't care. I start work tomorrow at 4pm which means i won't need to leave the house until 2pm, which means that I was able to prepare my dinner for work tomorrow and then kick back, finish my book and watch the taped ep of Avg Joe tonight without having to worry about getting to bed early for a change. Yay for sleeping in!

I'm too blasé about my health, which isn't good because there are a few things I really need to get checked out. And I have a vague suspicion that it's time for one of my "female checkups" too... God those are so uncomfortable. It's not that I don't care about my health - I have moments of hypochondria which spur me to make doctors' appointments I never intend to keep - but I guess it's just that despite complaints and minor illnesses I've actually always had a fairly clean bill of health. The only real pain I've had was my appendicitis a few years ago, so I think I suffer from "Bad Things Happen To Everyone But Me" syndrome. But now my dental pain is much worse, so I'll get around to that after the optomotrist (April 3rd) and the psych (April 15th).

I'm not looking forward to the psych appointment. To be honest, since he started me on the meds, my life has definitely become a lot more normal, and even now that I'm off them (my prescription ran out but had no $$) the affects seem to have lasted. So I'm worried that he will say I don't need them, when in actual fact I feel do. I don't think I'll ever be "normal", but I do think that a certain level of normality can be attained; however I know I am not quite there yet and I think it would be best if I were still on meds for a while, at least while work is being especially stressful and unpredictable.

When I was cleaning my room, I found the spare blade for my utility knife which has gone MIA (I suspect someone probably took it away from me). This came in handy when I made Guppy a present recently - a poem set on different off-cuts of designer paper - but also has started me nicking at myself again. I hate that I do that. Why can't I just come out and self-harm, just rip into my skin and let the blood flow? At least then I'd have something to show for it. But I guess I see that as something angsty people do, people with problems, and I'm not like that. It's more of an obsessive-compulsive disorder thing with me, I'm trying to perfect myself by carving away the imperfections, than an actual will to harm myself, because I don't actually want to harm myself. I'm sorry if talking about it offends or bothers anyone.

I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of not taking initiative in my life. I'm sick of friends that don't push me to be better but just pat me on the back and tell me I'm fine and wonderful just the way I am. Don't they see that I'm the type of person that needs to be pushed? I'm also sick of not pushing myself. And though I don't particularly feel motivated, I've decided to do a few things to make myself take more of an interest in self-improvement or self-actualisation. I've decided to visit a gym that a friend from work goes to and check out either yoga or pilates classes. I've decided that I will start that massage course later this year. I've also decided I will seriously concentrate on my diet... and I'll be honest, I've had pizza and one fund-raiser choc frog (hey it was for a good cause!) this week. But I've been walking a lot and also have switched from drinking coke at work to drinking herbal tea instead, and I've turned down two gifts of chocolate this week. So when I weigh in on Saturday I think I'll discover that I've lost weight.

I've decided not to be selfish... I don't want to go to the charity thing, and I think Guppy would appreciate some time to himself, so I doubt we'll be seeing each other this weekend. I was talking about it with bignoiz tonight (which I guess is weird, talking to an ex about current r/ship stuff) and a few things occurred to me. At the risk of sounding like a princess I'm used to having guys be head-over-heels with me. I've gotten a lot of attention from most of the guys I've dated over the years, in a materialistic as well as an emotional sense. I'm used to being pampered and spoiled, allowed to have my way, and being able to wrap guys around my little finger. It's like the more obsessed a guy was with me, the more control I had over him. And I've always felt more confident in a relationship knowing that I had more "hand".

That's why I think this thing with Guppy is so good. While a part of me wishes that he was so totally, madly entranced by me that he couldn't go a day without ringing me or a week without seeing me, and while it would be cool if he were to pull out the big guns and all the stops and whistles to try and impress me, a part of me realizes what a shallow ego game that really is. The reduced level of contact is teaching me how to be independent so that I don't wreck things by being too clingy or needy. I'm learning to like and appreciate this person simply for who he is, without having to play power games, and that is a refreshing change. Because basically I don't want to have to play the power games, I don't want to worry about who has control or who has the most hand. I get so sick of it sometimes, stuff like that can really ruin a relationship or at the very least turn it into a harsh parody of what it should be - two people coming to know each other and possibly even love each other within a relationship built on trust and respect. And let's face it, there's no trust or respect when one person's playing the other.

*sigh* I have too many issues.

• Wearing: Blue/green striped pj pants, blue/white target baseball shirt
• Eating/Drinking: Last drank a glass of red wine
• Feeling: Antsy
• Listening to: a clock ticking

Monday 29/03/04 11.31pm

I'm not even going to bother filling you in on everything that's been going on the past 7 weeks (not that i was even aware it had been 7 weeks, but bignoiz is keeping count), but here's an overview:

* Work - I've been a customer service rep for a grand total of 49 days and so far it's okay. Despite some misgivings some people (including me, haha) had about my ability to work in the customer service industry and still keep my cool, I'm actually pretty good at what I do. It will never be my favorite occupation, but I love the freedom of working in a call centre, I can wear what I want, even do what I want to a certain degree, as long as it doesn't interfere with my ability to provide over the phone customer service. One day I actually painted my toenails at my desk!

I am thinking about doing further study. I did a career guidance test online the other day - http://www.iccweb.com/ (click "interest inventory") - and I came out strongly in the areas of social services and communications with entertainment running a close third. Which got me thinking again about going into social work. I'd love to help people, I'm also pretty good at organising events and things, so if I could ever get myself sorted out I think I'd do alright in the social services industry. At the moment I am thinking of doing a massage course though, part time one night a week. Could be a good side business and I did enjoy what little I learned the first time around.

* Church - blah, don't ask. I haven't been to church in weeks now and I'm starting to miss it. It's a personal choice I guess. Being a part of JRIM for the last two years and getting burned by it has put me off wanting to become "involved" in another church any time soon. I felt like I was getting too close to the people at the church I was attending after I left JRIM, so even though I'd like to keep going there I really just want to find a place where I can be anonymous, just me and God for a while. I do feel like things are cool with me and the big guy though - lots of little blessings are coming my way and I feel so blessed just to have Him on my side.

* Creative - I've started working on my book, which will basically be a 2nd edition to the first one and have a lot of the same poems but I'll be adding more poems and some "insights" and maybe some artwork. I'd actually like to see about getting this one published properly. I've written a song but basically my music is on hold at the moment. I've only ever been successful at writing the Christian music and I don't think I really want to take my life in that direction at this time in my life. I am considering doing a scriptwriting workshop though and maybe working on a couple of my play ideas after I get done with my book.

* Relationships - going smoothly. I'm happy with where I'm at right now. Guppy's great, he makes me laugh, he gives great hug, and I can be my bitchy self around him without too much fear of him running away to lick his wounds. Sometimes I read his signals wrong, he has such a dry/bizarre sense of humour, but I think I've spent enough time around him to start understanding him a bit better and vice versa. I worry that he will find me too clingy, I don't know what it is about him, I find him completely fascinating and sexy and can't keep my hands off, hehe. I also worry about making too many demands on his time, because he is such a private person and needs his space, but it's hard not to pressure him because the time we have is so limited as it is.

* Other - this journal entry wouldn't be complete with a mention of my latest obsession - American Idol. I am completely in love with George Huff's voice and can't wait for him to put out an album because I would buy it if he did. I love Jon Peter Lewis to bits - Go JPL!! - and wish Simon and Randy would quit giving him a hard time because he is different... I think he has a really interesting voice and he's so cute! Can't stand pink haired chick and the little hawaiian gals are starting to piss me off. Fantasia's cool, sounds kinda like Macy Gray, she'd be my pick for a female winner. I think I am going to audition for Season Two of Aus Idol after all, like why not, might as well give it a go, eh?

What else? Um... random things... Hard day today. Diet went well I guess but I need to work at it a bit harder I think. Guppy got me this little silver thing, sort of like a thick coin or a stone, with an angel on it and the word "strength" etched onto the back of it, I love it to bits and i think it's the only thing that got me through today because work was extremely hard, they've got me doing something new that I've had hardly any training for and I cracked under the pressure.

I'm not sure what to do about Saturday night. There's a charity event put on by one of the clients at work I wanted to go to but nobody else from work is going so I'm not sure it's worth spending a night in the company of total strangers. Also, I have another option I'd like to check into. The problem is Guppy agreed to go to the charity event, but then was complaining that his weekend was too full, so if I tell him I want to change plans and would rather do something else, he might cancel on me... which he probably should do anyway because he does have a bit too much on his plate but dammit, I want to be selfish. It would be nice to go out on the town with him, spend some time in his company and do something special. So I will just have to tell him the truth and hope he won't cancel.

Anyway, past bedtime for this ol' tigress.

• Wearing: tan pants, black sweatshirt, red trainers
• Eating/Drinking: Cherry Coke
• Feeling: Tired, conflicted
• Listening to: No Sensitivity (Jimmy Eats World)