Anne Rice is writing your life. Go you goth girl, go.

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Friday 21/11/03 9:48am -

We are a microwave generation, living in a stockmarket society. We want everything "now" and our main purpose for investing emotionally, physically, or financially in something is to see returns on that investment. Why can't we learn to take things slower? Why can't we learn that sometimes it's the journey that's important, not the destination - that sometimes it's in the giving that we learn the lesson, and not in the gain?

Other burning thoughts on my mind at the moment - Why do i always want the thing that is off limits to me? I've definitely got a weakness for forbidden fruit; probably to do with my stubborn and rebellious nature or my independence - i.e. my need to challenge obstacles in my way or prove wrong the people who tell me I can't do something. But how many times do I have to get burned before I learn what's good for me? How many doors does God have to slam in my face before I realize that the path i'm trying to follow is the wrong path for my life?

Sigh. It's certainly a day for questions.

• Listening to: Office Noises
• Feeling: Hungry
• Eating/drinking: Nothing but about to have a muffin
• Wearing: black/brown suit pants and jacket, white linen shirt

Thursday 20/11/03 12:38 -

*UPDATE*
I talked to Altar Boy (who seems mystified by the moniker I've chosen for him, lol) and apologized for my hasty actions. Obviously I'm still apprehensive about things but I've decided that it's worth it to continue the friendship. Not that I was planning to totally cut him off anyway, but I've made the decision to be there if and when he wants a friend and not worry about what I get out of it.

In other news, the Brat Prince said the sweetest thing in reply to the previous journal entry... "You're gorgeous girl, and worthwhile, and don't let ANYONE (especially yourself) tell you any difference. Remember, something as small as a pebble can create a ripple which spreads to the very edges of a huge lake. You my sweet are that pebble."

13 more sleeps until Zathiel gets here, yay!! *bounce*

Wednesday 19/11/03 22:52 -

Well I'm starting again, and here's the first journal entry. I figure if the Brat Prince can start blogging his soul away again, it's high time the 'old tigress' gave it another go as well.

I met someone for coffee tonight, which he paid for, and as we walked out to his car, he even opened the passenger door for me. I know in this age of equality it's not necessary for guys to do that stuff but I really appreciate the small touches. And it's nice to see gentlemanly behaviour from guys within my own age bracket. I guess it's strange and old fashioned of me, but ettiquette and good manners go a long way towards impressing me, just as poor manners and rude behaviour turns me off.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately. I'm turning 25 in a matter of weeks, and I guess it's some sort of quarter-life crisis but I'm wondering what I've achieved in life exactly, and whether or not I've made a worthwhile contribution to society. I know I've accomplished a lot, and am grateful for most of the experiences I've had so far. But it's depressing to think that much of it has been temporary achievements or fleeting one-off experiences. Very little of what I've done has had a real or lasting affect other than the lessons I've learned (or refused to learn, as the case may be) from it. In a way that sense of futility is a sort of catch .22 - I feel futile, therefore I don't achieve; I don't achieve, therefore I feel futile. I don't have any sense of permanence, I'm always drifting.

This week I let go of a friendship I'd been building, which was upsetting. I was frustrated by a lack of communication, and scared by the amount of emotional involvement and by what I perceived as the potential explosiveness of the situation. It is also impossible to have a close friendship with someone who wants or needs things done according to their schedule, or at their convenience; which was what I thought Altar Boy was trying to do. Only after the fact do I realize that he made the effort where he could, and that I was probably too hasty and let my paranoia control my reactions. But I don't like confusion or complications. And anyway I guess it's a little late for second thoughts or regrets now.

For me, this year has had a big emphasis placed on friendships, and I hope I've learned the lessons God intended me to learn in that regard. I've lost friends, true, but I have also gained friends, and reconnected with old friends I'd lost touch with. And I think that the Divine is trying to teach me that I am not alone in this universe. My walls and defenses have started to come down, huge chunks shattered and destroyed by circumstances beyond my control, and I find myself humbled, debased by my situation, brought down to the most basic core of myself. Faced with the realization that I am not an island, and forced to admit that I need help from others. And I think that the friendship I have felt has helped me to reconnect to society in some way and help me make the transition from independence to dependence more smoothly.

Anyway that's pretty much where my life is at for the moment, stay tuned for more to come!

• Listening to: Headless Chickens - "Juice"
• Feeling: Kind of sad, reflective
• Eating/drinking: Cherry Coke
• Wearing: my green & blue striped cat pyjamas